Urgency to CTB

[Shu]

Does anyone else feel an urgent need need to CTB? I don't know I'm not really good at explaining things but I just feel like time has sped up and the days are flying by. The more I realize how how time is passing by I get really paranoid and anxious. All I do is sleep a lot now. When I wake up every day I feel an urgent need to CTB. There a few things stopping right now but yeah.. does anyone else feel an urgency to ctb?

 

[thedaywillcome]

can you read?

 

[lobster salad]

Me, I definitely am feeling the urgency. More than a year ago I have decided to ctb on 13th june, It is a bit more than a month away now and I still have so much to do before dying.

unfortunately like you I am not doing much everyday... I feel too bad to do anything so I just overeat and sleep several hours getting absolutely nothing done. then i smile at my parents and hear them out so they haven't realised how much my mind has rotted off. I also drink a lot and wander out of home for hours each evening, even right after this I am about to. to get alone time away from family and stuff.

I really need to work hard and concentrate on the things I have wanted to do to ctb. at this date it's not realistic for me to die on time so I feel horrible.

 

[Painless_end]

Does anyone else feel an urgent need need to CTB? I don't know I'm not really good at explaining things but I just feel like time has sped up and the days are flying by. The more I realize how how time is passing by I get really paranoid and anxious. All I do is sleep a lot now. When I wake up every day I feel an urgent need to CTB. There a few things stopping right now but yeah.. does anyone else feel an urgency to ctb?

How old are you ? Why the urgency ?

If you really want to go, then you could go later as well.

Not trying to talk you out of it, just wondering why the urgency

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Not so much urgency, but rather why not just do it now? I know nothing is going to get better for me so I don't even know what I am waiting on.

 

[Shu]

can you read?

Oh! I see it next to your name. Oh wow.

 

[whatevs]

Not actively suicidal but I feel sometimes that time is speeding up. Perhaps it's just aging.

 

[wljourney]

Yes, that urgency is stronger for me in the mornings. Especially when it's a dark, rainy day.

Usually it gets a little better during the day. I guess it's because I get tired by mid afternoon and so exhausted that even CTB feels "too much".

There are days that aren't too bad, but they are far and few in between. Not enough to step away from CTBing, but those days make it less urgent.

 

[.............]

Not necessarily urgent, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before I fully break and do it.

 

[WitheringAway]

Yes I feel pressured to ctb ASAP I'm running out of time

 

[Foresight]

I get these brief urgent bursts where my brain is determined for this very second to be it. I've had two experiences of this where I bought sn and another where I almost stabbed myself to relieve the feeling.

Then I go back to planning my future so I'm a bit of a mess at the moment to say the least.

 

[MatthewV3]

Yes, every time I wake up. I have my SN ready, I just don't know what am I waiting for.

 

[wearingmyheart]

I'm already running late.

 

[FuneralCry]

I never want to live and I see no point to me being here. I should have left a while ago. At the moment, I am still only here as it is so difficult for me to leave, the fear of failure is what holds me back. Eventually when things get worse, I think I will get desperate enough to finally leave. I would not say it feels very urgent that I must leave right now, but I know that someday it will get to that point.

 

[hankbank3928]

I definitely feel the urgency, I just keep going over my ctb plan to make sure it's perfect.

 

[Al_stargate]

I do have those urgent feeling at least couple of hours a day. Will see how I feel once I get everything sorted.

 

[Doombox]

It's urgent for me because I have a lot of crap coming at me in the next couple weeks that I cannot cope with. I am absolutely certain that this is a critical juncture for me and that there's only one good decision for me.

 

[Alex6216]

Yep, I tried CTB 6 months ago but it seems like God is making me not die to mock me or something

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I think it is a pressure cooker response, the brain conjuring up an escape plan for miserable situation. Seems to be that the mind's way of coping with the suffocating, yet inescapable, passage of time is to soothe itself with the inevitability of the end. Hate to hear that things are even worse for you as of late, you've always been a cool and helpful person who tries to stick up for others.

 

[Message In A Bottle]

Yeah...because I don't want to be around when I'm old. My biggest trigger is aging, and it's a self satisfying thought to think I can put an end to it all by ctb. I won't have to experience the aging process because I'll be long gone. I will get the wish I most desire - forever be in my 20s - Since It'll be the age I died at.

 

[its-about-time]

Kind of. Every day is the exact same, it's not awful but not personally acceptable either, and I'm sick of myself. All this waiting and waiting I'm doing seems pointless. I feel more impatient than urgent to ctb.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

One day, I will be able to say this with relief

 

[Klo]

Does anyone else feel an urgent need need to CTB? I don't know I'm not really good at explaining things but I just feel like time has sped up and the days are flying by. The more I realize how how time is passing by I get really paranoid and anxious. All I do is sleep a lot now. When I wake up every day I feel an urgent need to CTB. There a few things stopping right now but yeah.. does anyone else feel an urgency to ctb?

Yes every day that passes I feel more urgency. This is a terrible way to live

 

[Hurt]

I think that today was the day I feel most suicidal so far in this year. I want to disappear. Nothing interests me and depression ate me completely. Nevertheless I don't feel ready yet although suicide has been in my mind for years. Don't be impulsive. It's good to give life a chance.

 

[Zzzzz]

I feel a lot of urgency and a desire to ctb asap but there are roadblocks in the way it seems.

 

[Smart No More]

I was really feeling an urgency to ctb at one point but I've sort of settled into the status quo for the moment and am okay going through the motions as things currently stand.

When things were really bad though I would wake up (I could barely actually sleep) and instantly feel the need to end my suffering. It never really left even in the very brief moments of sleep I was able to get. I've healed a bit since then so things are more bearable but I definitely learned a lot and can relate to people suffering the intolerable so much they are permanently desperate to end it. It's something I don't think I could really have ever entirely imagined without experiencing it. It's most likely different for people in different circumstances and conditions but they all have desperation and fear in common I think.

What actually got me through was knowing that, at some point it could end if I wanted it to. Just not in the way I'd ideally like. Which would have been to fully heal and return to my previous health. I'd be gone now if things hadn't improved a bit. During much of the worst of it I was using benzos on and off and found myself constantly riding the cusp of addiction. I did a bit of withdrawal from them and can now use them occasionally which I kind of look forward to as an occasional 'holiday' from some of my symptoms.