JamesMoonDerWater
Member
- Mar 21, 2025
- 28
Good night to all of you here! The last post I made about my situation was back in March and I was discussing the main topic back there and the thing that caused all this turmoil for me: having my dreams shattered by life
After that first-mid semester of the year things have changed a lot (surprisingly) and I really enjoyed to look back and see what I wrote and how I interacted here. Hence why I'm doing again. Also because although I improved, I can't say Im actually better in a way...
Anywho, in all this time I learnt that there's more to life than a single dream, and that you can find and pursue other things. One is indeed not attached to a single objective, who could've said!
As of now I'm focusing on data analysis as my professional career and I've been loving it! I'm going on a big project both on my work and my personal life that require skills in the field and I'm looking forward to both!
I have also drastically lowered the suicidal thoughts by a significant margin since my last post! HOORRAY!!
A lot of this is thanks to my therapist, who's the same one from my last posts. He's quite the guy, albeit quite harsh if he wants to. He once said to my face "Well, James, if my life was so bad I'd chug as much food as you too". But I do think it's the right approach in the right context to make me see and understand things.
Although great things are happening, many bad ones are too... For one, I lost scholarship and I'm now having to pay for the full semester on college. I'll try and get scholarship again next semester.
Although I don't exactly have been sad all the time, I have been notably more anxious and rageous... My friends and coworkers have said many times that I'm lashing or tweaking out even for just minor inconveniences. This is the thing most scary to me and I'm afraid itll lead to a bigger demise for me...
I also lost a test and got a 0. Professor said it wasn't the biggest of deals as long as I could prove myself as a good student and put effort into the other assignments (also stop skipping class so much)
Like my therapist said, I've been eating a lot. Not exactly gaining weight, just eating. The main problem here is waisting money. Wasting so much money that it's becoming a harsh problem to me... Who could've said that becoming a pure anxiety and anger bomb could've push me to that!
Where does that anxiety and anger comes from? A lot of things actually, fear of loosing my job (I have been reassured multiple times that is far from happening), fear of doing a bad job, fear of not being productive (both on my job and personal projects), fear of my friends and coworkers secretly hating me, fear of bothering others, fear of something going bad (anything at anytime)... Angry, at myself, for being such an uncontrolled fatso, for lashing out on people, for not being good enough...
Not all is without hope tho, I'm aware of all these problems and I'm taking action to not make them develop further, but they sure take effort, time and attention to be taken care of...
To summarize, I have been through a lot this last year and there are no signs of a stagnation or a stop to this. Fortunately, I have a lot of people who care about me (even if I'm a bit paranoic about them secretly hating me) and that want to see me good. In the end, I happy that it seems that I'm seen kindly by others around me and thats what brings me joy the most.
To all who are reading, I genuinely hope you have better days ahead
After that first-mid semester of the year things have changed a lot (surprisingly) and I really enjoyed to look back and see what I wrote and how I interacted here. Hence why I'm doing again. Also because although I improved, I can't say Im actually better in a way...
Anywho, in all this time I learnt that there's more to life than a single dream, and that you can find and pursue other things. One is indeed not attached to a single objective, who could've said!
As of now I'm focusing on data analysis as my professional career and I've been loving it! I'm going on a big project both on my work and my personal life that require skills in the field and I'm looking forward to both!
I have also drastically lowered the suicidal thoughts by a significant margin since my last post! HOORRAY!!
A lot of this is thanks to my therapist, who's the same one from my last posts. He's quite the guy, albeit quite harsh if he wants to. He once said to my face "Well, James, if my life was so bad I'd chug as much food as you too". But I do think it's the right approach in the right context to make me see and understand things.
Although great things are happening, many bad ones are too... For one, I lost scholarship and I'm now having to pay for the full semester on college. I'll try and get scholarship again next semester.
Although I don't exactly have been sad all the time, I have been notably more anxious and rageous... My friends and coworkers have said many times that I'm lashing or tweaking out even for just minor inconveniences. This is the thing most scary to me and I'm afraid itll lead to a bigger demise for me...
I also lost a test and got a 0. Professor said it wasn't the biggest of deals as long as I could prove myself as a good student and put effort into the other assignments (also stop skipping class so much)
Like my therapist said, I've been eating a lot. Not exactly gaining weight, just eating. The main problem here is waisting money. Wasting so much money that it's becoming a harsh problem to me... Who could've said that becoming a pure anxiety and anger bomb could've push me to that!
Where does that anxiety and anger comes from? A lot of things actually, fear of loosing my job (I have been reassured multiple times that is far from happening), fear of doing a bad job, fear of not being productive (both on my job and personal projects), fear of my friends and coworkers secretly hating me, fear of bothering others, fear of something going bad (anything at anytime)... Angry, at myself, for being such an uncontrolled fatso, for lashing out on people, for not being good enough...
Not all is without hope tho, I'm aware of all these problems and I'm taking action to not make them develop further, but they sure take effort, time and attention to be taken care of...
To summarize, I have been through a lot this last year and there are no signs of a stagnation or a stop to this. Fortunately, I have a lot of people who care about me (even if I'm a bit paranoic about them secretly hating me) and that want to see me good. In the end, I happy that it seems that I'm seen kindly by others around me and thats what brings me joy the most.
To all who are reading, I genuinely hope you have better days ahead
