Dear Water-Lily (I live your chosen name),
I found it heartbreaking reading what you had written. What I found heartbreaking was how you described yourself in the last 5 paragraphs. I don't really know your story, but I definitely believe/think that you are being harsh on yourself. It is difficult to break off contact with families - even when they have been abusive. I am pretty sure that a lot of us on this forum struggle with this - I actually left the family aged 14 and have been in contact after becoming an adult and feel stuck now with the situation ad the people who gave birth to me are now elderly and extremely vulnerable and I struggle to walk away.
Sometimes that closure only happens when one passes away and whilst this is not always ideal, it is okay to accept ourselves for who we are. Those who gave birth to us also gave us an identity - though through abuse, neglect etc (I am making a lot of assumptions here, but speaking from lived experience), they might lost that right to be identified as a parent - however the child within us might be struggling to break away as breaking away might mean the loss of identity or so we think.
I am sorry if I have misread or misunderstood what you have written and said the wrong things here. What I do know for certain is that you require love (first from yourself - self love, self care and self acceptance) - we owe it to ourselves (especially those of us who have been abused) to provide that self validity, to nurture ourselves and really parent ourselves. Please don't be harsh on yourself or put yourself through such agony. You deserve to be happy. Take care.
