Venting Unsent letters

[lost_one]

I shall use this space whenever I want to talk to you. Because I can't talk to you, not allowed to text you. I cannot allow myself to text you, it will only hurt us both. So I will write here all that I wish I would tell you. Because I need to do something with these thoughts and feelings. They need to go somewhere. This place seems fitting enough.
God I still miss you, I can say it now, fully the medication has worn off... I should have taken my next pill an hour ago. I don't like lithium. I will ask my doctor to stop taking it, or to at lest reduce the dosage. And I can't even talk to you about it. You of all people in the world, you would understand this the most. Cause you know me and you know the pills.

I will never get to hold you again. Touch you again, and it hurts so bad.

Why couldn't you love me enough?

Why wasn't I enough?

(I know the answers, but I keep asking myself)

You what the stupid part is? There is still a part of me that wants you, that would forgive you, that wants and hopes you will turn around and say you miss me, say you need me, you want me. That you can see a future with me, where we are happy. Don't worry this hope will die with time.

You know I was dreaming the other day, about my graduating, if you would be there. You made me want to have a actual cerimony, and now you are gone, I don't know if you ever existed, that person I fell for. Was she ever real?

I told you I would get too attached. Cause I only have two modes, indifferent or attached. And I could never be indiferent to you

 

[lost_one]

You just posted a story, and I want to look at it, but I won't. Because I know I can't. Cause I am not a part of your life anymore.

this is so dumb and yet so hard

 

[lost_one]

Now that the medication is off, I miss you again. And despite everything, god I miss you. Of course I can't tell you that, I can't tell you anything about my life anymore.

So many things I want to talk to you about:

The meds;
So many songs from bands I like just released.
Idk.
My therapist, she doesn't get it. She asked why was feeling sad about losing you important, and you know how bad I am at talking. explaning my feelings.

But you are not here, no. Now you are just another one of my fantasies/delusions.

 

[lost_one]

I just found your paiting while I was cleaning my room. It made me want to die.

I still don't know why? You never told me.

I don't even know if you were real, or was the person I fell for just in my head.

I miss and I am all alone again... Back to "normal". "The way it's supposed to be".

This stupid and cruel voice in my head, that told me all my life no-one would ever love me. And you didn't. But I refuse to belive you didn't care. I think that might be why you let me go, cause you didn't love me, but you cared and you saw how you were hurting me. Maybe not. IDK.

I am trying to be happy alone, have people just be a pleasant addiction to a already "good" life. "full".
I just found your paiting while I was cleaning my room. It made me want to die.

I still don't know why? You never told me.

I don't even know if you were real, or was the person I fell for just in my head.

I miss and I am all alone again... Back to "normal". "The way it's supposed to be".

This stupid and cruel voice in my head, that told me all my life no-one would ever love me. And you didn't. But I refuse to belive you didn't care. I think that might be why you let me go, cause you didn't love me, but you cared and you saw how you were hurting me. Maybe not. IDK.

I am trying to be happy alone, have people just be a pleasant addiction to a already "good" life. "full".

 

[lost_one]

I see you online and it kills me, cause I want to talk to you, I want to tell I miss you. I miss you every day, all the time.

I am torn between wanting you to text me and wanting to forget you. But I don't want to forget you. You were the only good thing in my life. I hate that I wasn't enough for you. I hate that you didn't love me like I loved you.

And I am afraid no one would ever even like me again. You I told you before, I don't think I deserve to be loved

 

[lost_one]

I am so fucking pathetic aren't I?
I hate myself, I hate I still want you to text me, eventhough I know I are long gone, you probably move on by now. I kept lookig on whatsapp to see if you were online, then I realized you were probably there talking to someone else. I am such an ass. I am fucking crazy,.mental.

So I unsinstalled instagram, cause I couldn't block you and I couldn't bare to see your stories there anymore. I also deleted our conversation from my phone. Maybe at some point I will be strong enough to delete your number... because I belive I will never be strong enough to "just be friends"

I don't want to let go cause ai have nothing else to hold on to. Back to "normal" back to my life, back to being isolated, alone. Cause I don't know how to be normal. And I can't sleep and I am still crying (I mean probably PMS right now but still)

I hate that even now a stupid part of me wants to hold out hope.

I have to delete the three photos I still have on my phone eventually.

Can't I just die instead?

 

[lost_one]

God dammit.

I miss you.

How are you doing? What are you doing? I am torn between hoping you forgot me already and hoping you haven't, I still think about you everyday, I am trying not to, trying to keep busy, trying to interact a bit with other people, but somehow the second I stop there you are, some memory of you.

It makes me want to cry, it makes me feel so pathetic.

God dammit.

I need to forget you.
God dammit.

I miss you.

How are you doing? What are you doing? I am torn between hoping you forgot me already and hoping you haven't, I still think about you everyday, I am trying not to, trying to keep busy, trying to interact a bit with other people, but somehow the second I stop there you are, some memory of you.

It makes me want to cry, it makes me feel so pathetic.

God dammit.

I need to forget you.

 

[lost_one]

This is silly and I can't tell if it brings me solace or just keeps me tied up to you.

I still feel your absence everyday, my therapist tells me to just accept my feelings, one of the books I read told me not to judge them, but I still feel stupid and weak. Cause I fucking miss you. Idk if you miss me at all, I think you forgot me quite quickly, it is your nature after all. And I know that is the better thing, but that thought hurts me. But what would be the point of you still thinking of me and missing me.

No! Now you are nothing but a memory. But I still feel almost everyday the itch to text you. I don't, cause I know it would do more harm that good.

Fuck

 

[lost_one]

It's so odd to miss you, and I miss you so much.

It's odd cause I had never missed anyone in a very long time, so It's almost like a foreign feeling.

Before this, I think I only missed my mother when I was little. So I spent what 22 years without missing someone. So it is a strange feeling. Wanting to text you and know it's better if I don't. Wanting to tell you the things that happen in my life, missing holding your hand. And it's so odd.

It's been almost two months. I guess I will miss you eventually for longer than we've been together.

 

[lost_one]

I want to jump from a bridge just so I can text you to say goodbye, and tell you it is not your fault.

How fucked up is that?

I won't though... if I die I shall die in silence.

Silence, my ever present unwanted companion.