whatevs
Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
- Jan 15, 2022
- 2,914
Unraveling (1)
Three and a half years ago I took up programming because my normie (i.e. physically and mentally healthy, mostly unconcerned with the darker side of life) brother has had success with it and I seemed to do well (not great) in the 2 year course I enrolled in. Don't get me wrong, the afflictions...
sanctioned-suicide.net
So I've been 10 months now in a job that I am gonna leave in two weeks. I became a programmer because the world is ensnared by the toxic appeal of screens and surveillance/data collection and there's still plenty of work in the field. Glorified slaves helping the Matrix upgrade itself.
Wading through the two years of the course to get here was tough but not horrible. Semi-horrible. But in this new phase of my sad life, I had what I wanted. There's a peculiar irony in that. You see, if we go back to my first post, when I was doing my internship with the unethical giant, I always bitterly bemoaned to myself and my relatives that I should have been working with M, and not T (the oversized simpleton). M was the best in my course when we graduated, and I dreamed of becoming a better programmer under his wing, unlike what T was doing, dragging me down.
It's true that I had some strange experiences with T already. During the course he tripped me over or grabbed and pushed me "playfully" a few times. I never thought anything of it. But fast forward to this job. I started before him, but some months later and we were working in the same projects, in the same office. Somehow, it became "normal" and "accepted by me" that every time Tom would get up to go to the bathroom or elsewhere, he would at will decide if he could lightly slap me, grab or do whatever to spite me. Eventually I confronted him but he hasn't really stopped, he just stopped with the more obvious assaults that I swear to Saturn would end badly for both of us.
T is a grey character, in any case. Back when he started coming to the office, I was 2 months in and I barely had talked to people. I would go to the park and eat like a cornered beast, trying to gulp down food when there was no one around. Truly like someone chronically beneath others, with the kind of self loathing and fear that makes me part of the forum. Because he didnt know anyone else there, we used to hang out, and one day he proposed me to go and mingle with the more sociable and "funnier" crowd that gets together during breaks. Long story short, Tom helped me socialize and get to know them, but in the end I'd say normies (the average person subject to social engineering) are plagued by ignorance and callousness, and only 20% can be considered sensitive or caring. I became some of a laughing stock in some parts of the highs and lows of the interactions...
So because I thought Tom was being a good friend or whatever, during these first months I confided to him that I was autistic and had been suicidal. Only recently I've starting to get really baffled and wound up about him knowing that way back, and deciding to "slightly" bully me in the workplace. Just think, you have this guy that is obviously struggling, that has never said anything hostile to you, that even told you something that SHOULD make him rightfully so pathetic that nobody with a speck of morals would pick on, and you still do your insecure macho man dance.
In summary, when I was in the saucepan I thought about how cozy would I be in the boiling water. There's something wicked about my life, I'm sure of that. It is strange how things like this follow me wherever I go. Either human nature is vile and particularly males go for the kill if you are weak and bleeding, or something else is going on.
It's also funny that after telling that piece if shit that I was suicidal I feel slightly more motivated NOT to kill myself. The problem of staying around is that people like him are everywhere. Slaves coping by humiliating fellow slaves.
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