whatevs
Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
- Jan 15, 2022
- 2,914
Three and a half years ago I took up programming because my normie (i.e. physically and mentally healthy, mostly unconcerned with the darker side of life) brother has had success with it and I seemed to do well (not great) in the 2 year course I enrolled in. Don't get me wrong, the afflictions that led me here weren't gone. I had to continue "living" with fluctuatingly severe sexual dysfunction (including chronic anorgasmia), brutal unrefreshing sleep and cholinergic urticaria. These two years were at best, bittersweet, but bittersweet is always acceptable overall and is outside of the margin of suicidality. In other words, these were the best years in a very long time.
However, the tragic inertia of my life, which I'm sure some people in here can also feel in theirs, reared its unsightly, rotten head already by the beginning of the second year. A shockingly large man, let's call him T, was occupying my chair in the front row the second day of class. Because I had been chosen as the class prefect and people I wanted to mingle with were in the front row the first day, I chose that place. Everyone else was occupying the second day the place they chose the first day. But I go up to him and nervously, politely ask if he can retrieve me my seat, seeing as everyone had chosen already. For whatever reason, he was compelled to decline. To an extent, fair game (even though actually not, as he was known in class for being treacherous and a leech). But what came later was far more dramatic and unethical.
We skip a few days of me asking less politely and him refusing more forcefully in turn, we skip to my master move. I arrived class earlier and was about to sit down when he hurries up towards me and MOVES ME WITH HIS BELLY. He pushed me with the excess fat on his spherical abdomen, then proceeded to look at menacingly and left his shit on the table. After a quick glance at my mates and at the teacher showed me that everyone was dutifully pretending that the brief scuffle never happened, I decided to do something. I pushed this giant, and he responded with restrained force. A real scuffle ensued, but I wasn't letting go. You see, when things like this happen and I let it slide, I just die a little more inside. Oh whatevs, why are you so intense. It's just death. It's just suicide. Other than that, I have no reason to desperately try to wrestle some respect out of the people that have always trampled on me.
But then, the teacher looked directly at me and yelled that he can summon the police for me if that's what I want. Baffled, I yelled back that T had fucking pushed me first, albeit more subtly, with plausible deniability. Then, he asks us to go outside and have a talk. When forced to speak in front of the teacher, I learned that T alleged to have no laptop, that's why he needed that seat, that had a PC, while mine didn't. I had a laptop and decided to half assedly swallow this probable lie and yield. He wasn't going to budge either way, it was either a dangerous fight where I could be mangled and losing my degree or accepting the humiliation.
So, now we can properly address something that has been haunting me for a while now, just as it haunts many in this forum I'm sure. Be it a superstitious/schizotypal streak, or be it a clairvoyant hunch, I feel that I have a fated or fatal destiny, that my life is cursed. Here's one of the first examples I have at my disposal. In this class we were about 20 men, let's say 15 passed the second year. The chances are not astronomically low that I would have him where I did my internship, but it's still uncanny, in my opinion. Yes, T was in my 4 month long internship, and he made sure that I was pissed off every day with his careless coding. Later I learned that he easily convinced the others in the office that I was antisocial and not a good hire - to be fair, I am, but I'm pretty sure without him things would have at least lasted a bit longer. Long story short, the CEO told me at the end that they had been back and forth about us two and that they would hire him (with doubts) and see how it went. So, somehow, when I am trying to recover from NEETdom and I have my feet inside a company, I have the misfortune of having there a man I almost got in a fist fight with. Bad luck? What if consistent bad luck isn't chaotic, but somehow is attached to a personality, to certain ways of behaving and being that are firmly defined?
Alright, so that will wrap up part one, but we will have a blast with my actual venture into a proper programming job and how that also started with ominous signs and is floundering now.
However, the tragic inertia of my life, which I'm sure some people in here can also feel in theirs, reared its unsightly, rotten head already by the beginning of the second year. A shockingly large man, let's call him T, was occupying my chair in the front row the second day of class. Because I had been chosen as the class prefect and people I wanted to mingle with were in the front row the first day, I chose that place. Everyone else was occupying the second day the place they chose the first day. But I go up to him and nervously, politely ask if he can retrieve me my seat, seeing as everyone had chosen already. For whatever reason, he was compelled to decline. To an extent, fair game (even though actually not, as he was known in class for being treacherous and a leech). But what came later was far more dramatic and unethical.
We skip a few days of me asking less politely and him refusing more forcefully in turn, we skip to my master move. I arrived class earlier and was about to sit down when he hurries up towards me and MOVES ME WITH HIS BELLY. He pushed me with the excess fat on his spherical abdomen, then proceeded to look at menacingly and left his shit on the table. After a quick glance at my mates and at the teacher showed me that everyone was dutifully pretending that the brief scuffle never happened, I decided to do something. I pushed this giant, and he responded with restrained force. A real scuffle ensued, but I wasn't letting go. You see, when things like this happen and I let it slide, I just die a little more inside. Oh whatevs, why are you so intense. It's just death. It's just suicide. Other than that, I have no reason to desperately try to wrestle some respect out of the people that have always trampled on me.
But then, the teacher looked directly at me and yelled that he can summon the police for me if that's what I want. Baffled, I yelled back that T had fucking pushed me first, albeit more subtly, with plausible deniability. Then, he asks us to go outside and have a talk. When forced to speak in front of the teacher, I learned that T alleged to have no laptop, that's why he needed that seat, that had a PC, while mine didn't. I had a laptop and decided to half assedly swallow this probable lie and yield. He wasn't going to budge either way, it was either a dangerous fight where I could be mangled and losing my degree or accepting the humiliation.
So, now we can properly address something that has been haunting me for a while now, just as it haunts many in this forum I'm sure. Be it a superstitious/schizotypal streak, or be it a clairvoyant hunch, I feel that I have a fated or fatal destiny, that my life is cursed. Here's one of the first examples I have at my disposal. In this class we were about 20 men, let's say 15 passed the second year. The chances are not astronomically low that I would have him where I did my internship, but it's still uncanny, in my opinion. Yes, T was in my 4 month long internship, and he made sure that I was pissed off every day with his careless coding. Later I learned that he easily convinced the others in the office that I was antisocial and not a good hire - to be fair, I am, but I'm pretty sure without him things would have at least lasted a bit longer. Long story short, the CEO told me at the end that they had been back and forth about us two and that they would hire him (with doubts) and see how it went. So, somehow, when I am trying to recover from NEETdom and I have my feet inside a company, I have the misfortune of having there a man I almost got in a fist fight with. Bad luck? What if consistent bad luck isn't chaotic, but somehow is attached to a personality, to certain ways of behaving and being that are firmly defined?
Alright, so that will wrap up part one, but we will have a blast with my actual venture into a proper programming job and how that also started with ominous signs and is floundering now.
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