Venting University was a mistake and I’m spiralling

[chloramine]

I started on a diploma program for massage therapy and I'm spiralling and I don't know what to do. I thought the tactile component would be good, but I associated touch with safety and then my concept of safety was destroyed and now all touch screws with my brain while still being something that I very much feel the loss of. The course load is too much and things have been getting worse and worse, but this semester was expensive and it came from an RESP so it's not just my money or I'd feel more comfortable dropping out. I don't know what to do. I'm currently struggling to write a stupid assignment when I just want to die. I don't want school or work or life. I keep trying this stuff in case I end up not dying, but I want to die so badly. Every night is just begging to not wake up and I don't understand the point in any of this. I'm not helping anyone else. Why do I have to be alive if it's just suffering and it doesn't even benefit other people?

 

[hamvil]

Are you at the beginning of this course? IS this the first time you attend a university? Course load can be overwhelming at the beginning especially if the university does not take sufficient action to mitigate this. High school should prepare the students to be able to prioritise and organize their word but I see that often they suck at this. If you can afford it there are many tools you can use nowadays on iPad to organize the course work and the notes. Have you also tried discussing with the teacher about the problems you are having with the load? If he/she is a good one you could get so guidance. I do this with my students but the suggestions are quite specific to my stuff (STEM).

What do you mean that the concept of safety and touch is now gone?

 

[chloramine]

Are you at the beginning of this course? IS this the first time you attend a university? Course load can be overwhelming at the beginning especially if the university does not take sufficient action to mitigate this. High school should prepare the students to be able to prioritise and organize their word but I see that often they suck at this. If you can afford it there are many tools you can use nowadays on iPad to organize the course work and the notes. Have you also tried discussing with the teacher about the problems you are having with the load? If he/she is a good one you could get so guidance. I do this with my students but the suggestions are quite specific to my stuff (STEM).

What do you mean that the concept of safety and touch is now gone?

I was touch starved for years without realizing until I started getting regular hugs and stuff from friends. It strongly correlated safety and touch in my brain. To make a long story short, several months ago my friends called a wellness check on me without giving me any heads up or alternative when they knew my home isn't great and that I was terrified of that scenario for several reasons. Only one of them apologized and the entire thing shattered my concepts of trust and safety.

I thought a job that was tactile would be good because I am very tactile but I hadn't realized that touch had become so… I don't know the word. My brain registers everyone as unsafe which makes touch unsafe. I hadn't realized because the only people around are people I tried to avoid physical contact with before any of this happened because they were never safe. It was never a problem like this before unless someone had shown they were unsafe.

This is my first time in university (I worked for awhile and tried some other stuff- I'm 24 not directly out of high school) and it's the beginning of the course. They definitely just dropped us in the deep end right off the bat, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I know there are some options for the course load aspect, but I don't know that they'll really help with the core problems. I am already using an agenda and keeping organized in regards to what's due when. I can also spread out the course over more years at least. I know I should talk to profs about that part of it, but I'm not sure how and doing so is going to be particularly hard given that it's an extra layer of stress when I'm already not coping. I know it's something I should do just. I don't know if it's something I realistically will do.

I try to do things with the mentality of "in case I don't die" so that things don't spiral to become worse and worse. Also so people around me don't realize how screwed I am.

 

[pole]

I was touch starved for years without realizing until I started getting regular hugs and stuff from friends. It strongly correlated safety and touch in my brain. To make a long story short, several months ago my friends called a wellness check on me without giving me any heads up or alternative when they knew my home isn't great and that I was terrified of that scenario for several reasons. Only one of them apologized and the entire thing shattered my concepts of trust and safety.

I thought a job that was tactile would be good because I am very tactile but I hadn't realized that touch had become so… I don't know the word. My brain registers everyone as unsafe which makes touch unsafe. I hadn't realized because the only people around are people I tried to avoid physical contact with before any of this happened because they were never safe. It was never a problem like this before unless someone had shown they were unsafe.

This is my first time in university (I worked for awhile and tried some other stuff- I'm 24 not directly out of high school) and it's the beginning of the course. They definitely just dropped us in the deep end right off the bat, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I know there are some options for the course load aspect, but I don't know that they'll really help with the core problems. I am already using an agenda and keeping organized in regards to what's due when. I can also spread out the course over more years at least. I know I should talk to profs about that part of it, but I'm not sure how and doing so is going to be particularly hard given that it's an extra layer of stress when I'm already not coping. I know it's something I should do just. I don't know if it's something I realistically will do.

I try to do things with the mentality of "in case I don't die" so that things don't spiral to become worse and worse. Also so people around me don't realize how screwed I am.

hi,

you sound exhausted. dealing with the pressures of academia ontop of your own shit is draining.

i dealt with this three years ago. had awful grades in my first and second year of my honors prog, lost my job, was going to ctb but then got hospitalized and well, had to live. as a result, i had to face the music and address my academic struggles since i was placed on academic probation due to poor grades.

it takes a lot to muster up the energy to address these issues, and i understand where you come from wanting to put it to the side but understand that it's something you must do.

what i personally did was reduce my workload by spreading it out across semesters as you seem to have thought about. perhaps take a summer semester as well. not sure where you are, but in Canada, you can use something like disability to reduce your workload but you'd still continue to meet prog requirements. i would look at stuff like that and be smart about this.

worst case scenario, i'd drop it. i know it isn't your money, not sure if you have a refund timetable or anything at ur uni, but it isn't worth barely passing just for the credit.

just some thoughts. hope it can be helpful, best of luck in your undergraduate career.

 

[hamvil]

I was touch starved for years without realizing until I started getting regular hugs and stuff from friends. It strongly correlated safety and touch in my brain. To make a long story short, several months ago my friends called a wellness check on me without giving me any heads up or alternative when they knew my home isn't great and that I was terrified of that scenario for several reasons. Only one of them apologized and the entire thing shattered my concepts of trust and safety.

What do you mean with wellness check? Some sort of doctors/police that intervene when there are family problems?

I thought a job that was tactile would be good because I am very tactile but I hadn't realized that touch had become so… I don't know the word. My brain registers everyone as unsafe which makes touch unsafe. I hadn't realized because the only people around are people I tried to avoid physical contact with before any of this happened because they were never safe. It was never a problem like this before unless someone had shown they were unsafe.

I have too a strange relationship with touch. I do not like much being touched and in general I do not touch people. A female colleague of mine was particularly annoying because she was patting me on the torso, which is very uncommon and creepy IMO. At some point I got annoyed and I did the same with her and she freaked out and started screaming. I do not get the double standard, the fact I do not have boobs allows you to touch me on my torso?

This is my first time in university (I worked for awhile and tried some other stuff- I'm 24 not directly out of high school) and it's the beginning of the course. They definitely just dropped us in the deep end right off the bat, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I know there are some options for the course load aspect, but I don't know that they'll really help with the core problems. I am already using an agenda and keeping organized in regards to what's due when. I can also spread out the course over more years at least. I know I should talk to profs about that part of it, but I'm not sure how and doing so is going to be particularly hard given that it's an extra layer of stress when I'm already not coping. I know it's something I should do just. I don't know if it's something I realistically will do.

Professors are people, some are assholes some are not. Try to get a feeling about the person. Some assholes could feel bothered if a student is too needy. Such people should change job but you have to deal with them. If they are decent persons they should be able to support you. You are young and memory is on your side,avoid also substances that affect memory.

I try to do things with the mentality of "in case I don't die" so that things don't spiral to become worse and worse. Also so people around me don't realize how screwed I am.

You will not die,you are facing challenges than people just 4 younger than you usually face. Unless there is something major wrong with you I am sure sure will make it. Possibly the hardest part is the one related with touch because is required in your job. I go in spa and I also wonder how those people are so used in touching strangers.

 

[chloramine]

hi,

you sound exhausted. dealing with the pressures of academia ontop of your own shit is draining.

i dealt with this three years ago. had awful grades in my first and second year of my honors prog, lost my job, was going to ctb but then got hospitalized and well, had to live. as a result, i had to face the music and address my academic struggles since i was placed on academic probation due to poor grades.

it takes a lot to muster up the energy to address these issues, and i understand where you come from wanting to put it to the side but understand that it's something you must do.

what i personally did was reduce my workload by spreading it out across semesters as you seem to have thought about. perhaps take a summer semester as well. not sure where you are, but in Canada, you can use something like disability to reduce your workload but you'd still continue to meet prog requirements. i would look at stuff like that and be smart about this.

worst case scenario, i'd drop it. i know it isn't your money, not sure if you have a refund timetable or anything at ur uni, but it isn't worth barely passing just for the credit.

just some thoughts. hope it can be helpful, best of luck in your undergraduate career.

Thank you. Yeah seriously just considering dropping out. This is week three so I know it's still early, but it's not likely to lighten up. In order to complete the program in 2 years you have to take a full course load year round so I was expecting to do summer courses anyways. I don't know. I'll probably give it a couple days and maybe bring up that I'm not sure about doing the work to my mom so I can start gauging her reaction to if I drop out and prepare accordingly.

 

[pole]

Thank you. Yeah seriously just considering dropping out. This is week three so I know it's still early, but it's not likely to lighten up. In order to complete the program in 2 years you have to take a full course load year round so I was expecting to do summer courses anyways. I don't know. I'll probably give it a couple days and maybe bring up that I'm not sure about doing the work to my mom so I can start gauging her reaction to if I drop out and prepare accordingly.

definitely look into how that full course load year can be reduced. there is work around if you look closely. disability is one way, obviously don't know your circumstances, but it doesn't have to be anything physical either. i had the option solely off of my mental health and could have reduced course load with documentation from a psych.

 

[chloramine]

What do you mean with wellness check? Some sort of doctors/police that intervene when there are family problems?

I have too a strange relationship with touch. I do not like much being touched and in general I do not touch people. A female colleague of mine was particularly annoying because she was patting me on the torso, which is very uncommon and creepy IMO. At some point I got annoyed and I did the same with her and she freaked out and started screaming. I do not get the double standard, the fact I do not have boobs allows you to touch me on my torso?

Professors are people, some are assholes some are not. Try to get a feeling about the person. Some assholes could feel bothered if a student is too needy. Such people should change job but you have to deal with them. If they are decent persons they should be able to support you. You are young and memory is on your side,avoid also substances that affect memory.

You will not die,you are facing challenges than people just 4 younger than you usually face. Unless there is something major wrong with you I am sure sure will make it. Possibly the hardest part is the one related with touch because is required in your job. I go in spa and I also wonder how those people are so used in touching strangers.

The police came to my house because I was planning on killing myself. By "if I die" I mean if I kill myself not that university will kill me. I've wanted to die since I was 10 and have tried to make that happened off and on for years. I've never not wanted death in that time. I've never been officially diagnosed, but it's likely I at least have anxiety and depression. Probably also cptsd?

It's definitely not fair or okay that your colleague was repeatedly touching you like that- especially if you made it clear you weren't okay with it. I really didn't expect touch to be such a problem personally and I'm struggling to think of solutions.

definitely look into how that full course load year can be reduced. there is work around if you look closely. disability is one way, obviously don't know your circumstances, but it doesn't have to be anything physical either. i had the option solely off of my mental health and could have reduced course load with documentation from a psych.

I have a learning disability and I got accommodations for that set up so I know there are accommodations for mental health (not entirely sure what they are- they exist though), but I've never been officially diagnosed. I have a therapist, but I don't know if she's able to do that aspect? I also really really hate the idea of disclosing that information. I've been forced into positions where I had to in the past and it was awful. I don't like people knowing anything that can be used against me. Something I might have to do regardless but. If I don't think I can do the job then I don't want to put myself through a bunch of extra stress and further compromise my sense of relative safety in order to force myself through the schooling aspect.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds tiring and stressful. Life does just seem to be endless suffering and I know that it's awful when life just gets worse. I wish you relief from what you are going through.

 

[BGooG]

Given that you talked about an RESP it sounds like you're in Canada. I know that Canada has very extensive protections and accommodations for students with physical and psychological issues. As for speaking with professors, I urge you to do so. Faculty are VERY willing to help before the fact, but somewhat less accommodating after the fact. So, if you approach your professor before an assignment is due, they will likely be happy to work with you to figure out an accommodation. If you approach them after, though, they might be more reticent. Before indicates that you're planning ahead, and taking proactive steps to keep things in line.

And if you have to drop a course, then drop it. Most programs consider 4 - 5 courses a term "full-time" status, so dropping 1 of 5 courses shouldn't effect any financial aid or anything.

 

[chloramine]

That sounds tiring and stressful. Life does just seem to be endless suffering and I know that it's awful when life just gets worse. I wish you relief from what you are going through.

Thank you. Yeah I really wish it would let off outside of when I get overwhelmed to the point my emotions shut down.

Given that you talked about an RESP it sounds like you're in Canada. I know that Canada has very extensive protections and accommodations for students with physical and psychological issues. As for speaking with professors, I urge you to do so. Faculty are VERY willing to help before the fact, but somewhat less accommodating after the fact. So, if you approach your professor before an assignment is due, they will likely be happy to work with you to figure out an accommodation. If you approach them after, though, they might be more reticent. Before indicates that you're planning ahead, and taking proactive steps to keep things in line.

And if you have to drop a course, then drop it. Most programs consider 4 - 5 courses a term "full-time" status, so dropping 1 of 5 courses shouldn't effect any financial aid or anything.

I am in Canada. In order to access accommodations for mental health I need to get more officially diagnosed which is hard. I am leaning more towards taking an extra year to ease off the pace yeah.

We went over some strategies in class today so I'm going to start with those before adding the extra stress of getting myself to directly talk to profs.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I know school is so very hard when you are dealing with poor mental health. I give you props for trying to manage as well as you can. Take a deep breath and focus on the immediate task right in front of you and nothing more. Dropping out may be the best course of action, but think carefully before doing so because like you said you don't want to be forced to repair self-inflicted damage in the life later down the line.