Venting Unable to feel happiness.

[melodrama]

Representation of my "day by day" here. Two friends that I like a lot came to visit me today and participated in the family lunch that my relatives had. We talked a lot, played games and laughed about a lot of things. Still, I can say that today was the worst day I've had in months. I've had and still have a horrible feeling in me, it's like an absurd sadness and a feeling of throwing up, even though I'm not nauseous. I spent the whole day with a tightness in my chest and a desire to disappear, but I still pretended to be fine, because I didn't want to ruin today for other people. I sometimes force myself to do things considered "positive" by others, I try to do my favorite hobbies and spend time with the people I love. It doesn't make me happy. Nothing makes me happy. It seems that I will forever be a pit of sadness and worthlessness no matter what I do. When I think about it, I realize that recovery would be almost impossible for me.

I will never be happy like I used to be. Now I'm going to lie in bed and spend hours immobile, as I always do. There is no real happiness in this world.

 

[{ixo//}]

I understand the feeling of having a tight knot in your chest while being in some situation where you're "supposed" to be happy. I hate when you're forced to smile when there's a void inside you, forced to act like you're happy to be somewhere when you'd rather be alone. I hope that sometime you feel as though you're capable of feeling some kind of happiness, like you used to.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me there could never be such a thing as happiness in a world where there is no real relief from suffering. I understand just wishing to disappear, it would be ideal to have that option.