(Un)Intentionally alone

[AnemoneNevrosa]

I don't think I'm the only one, but social interactions take a huge toll on me physically and mentally. I'd like to go out and see people, but making new connections is exhausting, and I'd also feel guilty about forming bonds with others when, in moments I wish to die, I just want to disappear silently without hurting those who've known me.

I no longer think constantly about suicide like I did recently. The fact that my work contract ended and it's the middle of August means I'm alone at home, just killing time, trying to distract myself—but I find no joy in it. Time feels painfully long without all those thoughts and searches about ending things. I have a team of nurses who come twice a week to check on me, and honestly, that's almost comforting given the level of solitude.

Also, after my last hospitalization, I was prescribed Tercian in addition to Xanax, which basically makes me feel nothing—neither good nor bad.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my best friend and my ex-boyfriend, both of whom I care deeply about, to "celebrate" my birthday. I asked for something simple like a picnic, but even that feels emotionally heavy. Still, I know I'll feel comfortable and that my boundaries will be respected. Sometimes I get emotionally overwhelmed when I'm around people, which triggers intense anxiety.

I just want to share my feelings and see if I am not alone on my loneliness

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel you. I'm more isolated than you as I live alone, have no friends or partner, cannot work anymore, cannot drive. Only my mother comes sometimes. I'm disabled since 4 years. My best friend is Youtube. I think I have one of the shittiest life ever on earth. You're definitively not alone having a miserable life. You seem to have Aspergers like many people here. Hugs to you