Venting ultimate betrayal: your own body

[qewpie]

when you think about betrayal you think of some person hurting you, of Jesus and Judas, of being born into a terrible life situation. no one thinks of their body failing so badly that every second is excruciating, you can't sleep, every thought of the past where you held the ultimate privilege of near-perfect health triggers a wave of despair. a disease with no cure and no research for decades.

why would I want to keep living in a body that's only a trap? how long do I have to hope and wait for time, the "ultimate healer" while I suffer unimaginably? Just to grow old or develop cancer and go through the same damn thing.

It'll be poetic to end my life now. I was there, I was finally ready to just be hedonistic and happy and queer and not think too much of our crumbling societies or failing ecosystems or having to exist in the capitalist meat grinder. Then this disease came in like an axe.

 

[Cursedfromlife]

I also have a disease that ruined my life, and I think I can imagine in part your pain, and I only can say I'm so sorry. But I think we can always do it tomorrow... I think I will wait until my disease will be unbearable maybe in 2 years but until then I want to try to achieve from life what little i can still achieve. For me can be achieve an university degree for you can be another thing, can be a last trip, a last experience, a dish you've always wanted to try.

 

[qewpie]

I also have a disease that ruined my life, and I think I can imagine in part your pain, and I only can say I'm so sorry. But I think we can always do it tomorrow... I think I will wait until my disease will be unbearable maybe in 2 years but until then I want to try to achieve from life what little i can still achieve. For me can be achieve an university degree for you can be another thing, can be a last trip, a last experience, a dish you've always wanted to try.

right now I'm just sticking around for a last birthday (I'll be 25) in 2.5 months :) I hope my body decides to feel a little better or I find some miracle experimental treatment so that I don't have to make such a final decision. but I don't want to be laying in bed any longer

 

[Cursedfromlife]

Sticking around for your birthday is still something and I'm happy to hear it, think about the positive things that you can still enjoy like a good cake, your family celebrating with you, a good last sunset the day of your birthday. I'm still here for my girlfriend and to finish the university, but I think that if I lose her I will go immediately... Sorry if I talked about me it's your post but idk i needed to tell this to somebody...

 

[Xiaojiu]

I also have a disease that ruined my life, and I think I can imagine in part your pain, and I only can say I'm so sorry. But I think we can always do it tomorrow... I think I will wait until my disease will be unbearable maybe in 2 years but until then I want to try to achieve from life what little i can still achieve. For me can be achieve an university degree for you can be another thing, can be a last trip, a last experience, a dish you've always wanted to try.

What disease do you have have? I'm trying to stick around like you are as much as I can too despite my physical pains

 

[Alexandra_]

How I understand you and sympathize with you with all my heart. My body has betrayed me too. For me, life is a nightmare in reality. And it is not so easy to escape from here

 

[qewpie]

why did I have to be failed by public health. why will millions more continued to be failed by public health. DO NOT RAISE YOUR HEART RATE FOR 2-3 MONTHS AFTER ANY INFECTION!!!!

 

[mourningyesterday]

beautifully put and i can relate a lot to what ur saying, my conditions have taken my life and rendered it pointless.

i miss being healthy all i do is think abt the past when i was and the ignorance and freedom u have that comes with it. its such a shit way to have to ctb but u actually just want to live :(

i just want peace

 

[qewpie]

why should I keep living now that I have the knowledge that my body can break so badly that every moment is pure distilled torture??

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

why should I keep living now that I have the knowledge that my body can break so badly that every moment is pure distilled torture??

the body can break can break so badly that every moment is pure distilled torture

most people don't know that or don't care and don't realize how bad pain can be.

anybody having this knowledge would be irrational to want to risk such torture. but they have turned everything upside down and have everyone believing it's irrational or mentally ill to not want to risk extreme torture.

to me i don't care if i didn't have any suffering i would still prefer non-existence forever . but living in this hell risking extreme torture, suffering working breaking your back working a job endless chores and problems , decaying geting old just to risk something even more horrible trapping you .... and so on... i would never want to live another second in this hell.

 

[dewdrop]

There's nothing more imprisoning than being trapped in your own failing body. i try to ignore the pain but it's relentless annd sometimes completely incapacitating. Specialists keep bouncing me around but most of them haven't even heard of my illness or know how to help since it's so under-researched and multi-systemic.
i wasted my high school years jsut trying to survive, i've been applying for jobs so i don't feel entirely useless but idk if i'm even healthy enough to hold one down.
i really understand feeling betrayed, by the healthcare system and even your own body. Im so sorry you're living in so much pain. One day i hope we won't have to anymore. <3