Two years ago today I was supposed to be dead

[BitterlyAlive_]

Planned on going to a nice beachy town, visited a few times and just saw that I could have a last day or two there. I backed out because, despite my planning, I would be screwing over my parents - couldn't save enough money in the bank to cover costs after my death. I wasn't going to make them go into debt for my choice.

I regret not doing it damn near every day. I feel so stupid for letting money keep me from ctb. Now I have promises I've made to people and can't do it yet. But, fuck, I would have saved so many people so much pain if I wasn't so stupid two years ago though. It eats me up. I feel so guilty for being alive.

I had another good chance in May too. Decided to pass it up because something unexpected came up, and now I'm here. Mmm. Wonder when I'll finally go.

 

[TheLastK]

I know exactly how you feel, I was supposed to on my 18th birthday, and now look at where I am. I think I'd like to go to a forest or something, at night watching the stars. I hope everything is ok with you @BitterlyAlive_ and I hope you find a good reason not to ctb

 

[Ecka-26]

I feel your pain

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I feel like I should have left a while ago, yet I am still here. Suicide really is so difficult, and I do think that in this life it can be hard to make plans as life is so unpredictable. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I know exactly how you feel, I was supposed to on my 18th birthday, and now look at where I am. I think I'd like to go to a forest or something, at night watching the stars. I hope everything is ok with you @BitterlyAlive_ and I hope you find a good reason not to ctb

Things could change soon, but for right now….pretty much trying to 'hold on' as usual. It's really tough when the thoughts and urges are so strong.

The forest sounds nice, peaceful. It seems scary because you could still be caught and stopped, but it would be a lovely last few moments if you're safe

I feel your pain

In my case, I feel like I should have left a while ago, yet I am still here. Suicide really is so difficult, and I do think that in this life it can be hard to make plans as life is so unpredictable. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

Yes plans… because you have to account for other people. Even if I had no friends, family, there's still the chance that some random person would be a Good Samaritan. It's frustrating.

 

[Ecka-26]

 

[lionetta12]

Planned on going to a nice beachy town, visited a few times and just saw that I could have a last day or two there. I backed out because, despite my planning, I would be screwing over my parents - couldn't save enough money in the bank to cover costs after my death. I wasn't going to make them go into debt for my choice.

I regret not doing it damn near every day. I feel so stupid for letting money keep me from ctb. Now I have promises I've made to people and can't do it yet. But, fuck, I would have saved so many people so much pain if I wasn't so stupid two years ago though. It eats me up. I feel so guilty for being alive.

I had another good chance in May too. Decided to pass it up because something unexpected came up, and now I'm here. Mmm. Wonder when I'll finally go.

Sorry to hear about all of this. Have you considered life, accident or disability insurance? I don't know how hard or expensive it is to get elsewhere nor what it covers in other countries, but where I live, even CTB can be covered by it and a big sum of money is paid to those you leave behind if you've had the insurance for at least a year most of the time.

 

[Passersby]

Hi BitterlyAlive_ ,It's good to see you around again even if it's not what you want. I know you have been at this for a long time like me and it's truly miserable. I can totally relate to your situation because I had also planned to already be long gone and was super close several times. Unfortunately still here and can't leave yet either so knowing that I will keep suffering over time sucks.

Ive said this before and I'll say it again "It gets really weird living like this long term." I hope for an easier and reliable new method to pop up that's easy to obtain as well.

Even though it sucks big time when we lose our parents or whatever family we have, eventually they will all be gone which eliminates that barrier to leaving. This makes ctb a lot easier for me anyway even though it's not easy at all. I hope you can somehow feel better and get some peace while you are here.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Sorry to hear about all of this. Have you considered life, accident or disability insurance? I don't know how hard or expensive it is to get elsewhere nor what it covers in other countries, but where I live, even CTB can be covered by it and a big sum of money is paid to those you leave behind if you've had the insurance for at least a year most of the time.

Thought about life insurance through my job. Can't remember if I signed up for it or not tbh. Not a bad idea, though.

Hi BitterlyAlive_ ,It's good to see you around again even if it's not what you want. I know you have been at this for a long time like me and it's truly miserable. I can totally relate to your situation because I had also planned to already be long gone and was super close several times. Unfortunately still here and can't leave yet either so knowing that I will keep suffering over time sucks.

Ive said this before and I'll say it again "It gets really weird living like this long term." I hope for an easier and reliable new method to pop up that's easy to obtain as well.

Even though it sucks big time when we lose our parents or whatever family we have, eventually they will all be gone which eliminates that barrier to leaving. This makes ctb a lot easier for me anyway even though it's not easy at all. I hope you can somehow feel better and get some peace while you are here.

thank you, mate. It's really hard to keep going when you feel you 'should' be dead. Even if life…can be interesting. It feels like a void.

 

[S like Siren]

Planned on going to a nice beachy town, visited a few times and just saw that I could have a last day or two there. I backed out because, despite my planning, I would be screwing over my parents - couldn't save enough money in the bank to cover costs after my death. I wasn't going to make them go into debt for my choice.

I regret not doing it damn near every day. I feel so stupid for letting money keep me from ctb. Now I have promises I've made to people and can't do it yet. But, fuck, I would have saved so many people so much pain if I wasn't so stupid two years ago though. It eats me up. I feel so guilty for being alive.

I had another good chance in May too. Decided to pass it up because something unexpected came up, and now I'm here. Mmm. Wonder when I'll finally go.

It's exactly how i feel too...
In June last year I had my perfect chance to kill myself ... I was one step, one fucking step away from my death and liberation.
I bitterly regretted not doing it ... and most of all I'm regretting it now.
I know what you're feeling ... dying is very hard but keeping fighting for this shit life is not worth it for me.