I'm confused about the response you're looking for on this post, purple. I understand that you don't want to be encouraged to self harm, but Nembutal was just relating to you and showing support (not for your self harming behavior, but for you as a person).
I've been addicted to self harm for 12 years. I can relate to body parts being unrecognizable due to scarring. I only cut maybe once every 3 months or so these days, but it used to be daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I don't know if you're looking for suggestions on how to stop or self harm less frequently (disregard the rest of this paragraph if you're not) but it was helpful for me to start practicing harm reduction instead of trying to fully quit or quit cold turkey. For me, being like "I'm never gonna cut again" or "this is the last time" made the urge to do it so much worse. I fully understand hating it, but you started self harming as a way to cope with whatever you're going through. As you said, it saved you. It saved me too. That's something people who don't self harm don't always understand: it's a survival tool when all your other resources have been overwhelmed by the things you're dealing with. If I hadn't been able to release some of the pressure building inside me via self harm, I would be long dead. Wouldn't have even seen age 14.
I'm sorry you're suffering, I hope you're able to find some relief soon.
