TW SA / not traumatized enough

[pebpebpebpeb]

sometimes i hear stories of other people and realize how good i have it. and it makes me hate myself for being sad all the time, like i'm constantly playing the victim. i don't know if this is insensitive, feel free to get mad at me, but i wish i had more trauma so i can actually feel valid in my suicide.

i guess i'll share my story, it might help me if someone reads this and responds, or someone can relate. or maybe it's just therapeutic for me.

it all kind of started with insecurities at around 5th grade. i didn't know why, but i felt so ugly and that there was something wrong with me. my friends of several years betrayed me in 7th grade, leaving me alone. it's pathetic that i still think about them, even as a full grown adult. i remember always hearing my parents fight, even on a vacation. my mind is so bad with time, so i don't remember the order which this all happened. i started self harming when i was around 12. i had a sharp punch needle and dragged it across my skin. i was curious, it was the worst decision of my life. When i was 13, i got groomed on snapchat and sent explicit pictures to an 18 year old. i was disgusted with myself. and what's worse is that my friend knew the entire time, we would even call together with my "boyfriend."

When i went to a mental hospital for the first time, there was an older patient who was around 17 while i was 12 i believe. my parents struggled getting me in since i was technically underage. He would tell me all these wonderful things, and i truly felt loved. even today, i miss him. he touched my chest right in front of the staff, even offering to touch down there, and they didn't do a single thing. i tried self harming when i was announced to discharge to stay with him, but they let me go despite of it. I was in and out of hospitals for years, even to this day. my parents are still in a bit of debt due to it.

i would go onto self harm threads and share my photos of cuts, and got into watching gore and was a very toxic person. i met a friend, who i'll just call X. X and me started dating, but they were transphobic when i tried to come out to them. it was an unhealthy relationship that lasted around 3 years. I ended up sending them my selfharm before i was hospitalized as some sort of revenge. recently i was in some sort of mental episode where i sent them nudes because they asked me to and then they ghosted me and said they wanted nothing to do with me afterwards,, and that i was toxic and manipulative. i've been called manipulative all my life, but i never understood why. i was just a kid. even some of the hospital staff said i was manipulating everyone, but i never saw why or what i was doing wrong. now i've tried to come out to my family, but they just ignore it.

i'm relapsing again and spiraling back into my old self. i want more scars, i want to feel valid for feeling this way. i wish i could have someone older to turn to, just like when i was a teenager. i want to be manipulated again, it made me feel loved like nobody else could.

 

[wagner2029]

just trying to understand, I'm not judging.
How do you feel about the attention they give you?
Do you think you deserved more? What would be ideal for you?
It sounds like you have a problem with rejection.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

just trying to understand, I'm not judging.
How do you feel about the attention they give you?
Do you think you deserved more? What would be ideal for you?
It sounds like you have a problem with rejection.

i like people looking and pointing out my scars. sorry if that sounds fucked up. i'm just an attention seeker like everyone always tells me lol.
i can see where i'm scared of rejection, because i've had some people say i was selfish and playing the victim, which maybe they are right. i'm trying to be a more open person to better myself, and i feel that would be a step in the right direction.
my ideal scenario would someone being disturbed about what i went through and validate me by saying it's awful or something like that. so it feels less like i'm just making up my own problems i think.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You are not "playing the victim" at all and I'm sorry that this world has made you feel as if your pain is not real or serious enough.

The things you went through are disturbing and no child should ever have to go through what you've experienced, specially not in a place like a ward where the staff have an obligation to protect the patients. The fact that they let someone 5 years older grope you at such a young age is truly shocking and disgusting, and I hope that you don't blame yourself for this.

It is common for those of us who endured childhood SA to do upsetting things to try and get others to show us the love and attention we were deprived of when others failed to protect us. I'm sorry they failed you so grossly. Telling a child that they are manipulative is not constructive or helpful in the slightest, and I'm so sorry that these people never took the time to even try to understand you and help you.

Others may minimise the effects of trauma if they haven't experienced the exact same things themselves, but you know the effect it's had on you, you know your truth and your struggle. Don't let the ignorant try and downplay your hurt, they need to face the music that SA is SERIOUS and has lasting effects on a person's life. They should be trying to support you rather than invalidate you.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

You are not "playing the victim" at all and I'm sorry that this world has made you feel as if your pain is not real or serious enough.

The things you went through are disturbing and no child should ever have to go through what you've experienced, specially not in a place like a ward where the staff have an obligation to protect the patients. The fact that they let someone 5 years older grope you at such a young age is truly shocking and disgusting, and I hope that you don't blame yourself for this.

It is common for those of us who endured childhood SA to do upsetting things to try and get others to show us the love and attention we were deprived of when others failed to protect us. I'm sorry they failed you so grossly. Telling a child that they are manipulative is not constructive or helpful in the slightest, and I'm so sorry that these people never took the time to even try to understand you and help you.

Others may minimise the effects of trauma if they haven't experienced the exact same things themselves, but you know the effect it's had on you, you know your truth and your struggle. Don't let the ignorant try and downplay your hurt, they need to face the music that SA is SERIOUS and has lasting effects on a person's life. They should be trying to support you rather than invalidate you.

the way you wrote this makes so much sense. i really appreciate you commenting, it helped me calm down and feel more 'normal' in my weird feelings.

 

[wagner2029]

i like people looking and pointing out my scars. sorry if that sounds fucked up. i'm just an attention seeker like everyone always tells me lol.
i can see where i'm scared of rejection, because i've had some people say i was selfish and playing the victim, which maybe they are right. i'm trying to be a more open person to better myself, and i feel that would be a step in the right direction.
my ideal scenario would someone being disturbed about what i went through and validate me by saying it's awful or something like that. so it feels less like i'm just making up my own problems i think.

Regardless of what happened, you need to learn to live, you don't need to look up to anyone, just try to understand yourself and find a way to deal with it.
You need to learn to deal with your rejection problem and exaggerated need for attention, not because of other people, but because of you.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

Regardless of what happened, you need to learn to live, you don't need to look up to anyone, just try to understand yourself and find a way to deal with it.
You need to learn to deal with your rejection problem and exaggerated need for attention, not because of other people, but because of you.

thank you. your words mean a lot, i'll try my best to work on myself and my issues.

 

[wait.what]

You need to learn to deal with your rejection problem and exaggerated need for attention

I don't think the OP has an exaggerated need for attention. It's not unrealistic to expect staff in an adolescent psyche unit to stop an older kid from groping and sexually propositioning a younger one, especially if this behavior is happening right in front of direct care employees. Actually, it's illegal for staff who are mandatory reporters to tolerate that.

If I was the OP, I'd wonder if I'd wandered into Surreal Scaryland where I'm the only person with any functioning sensory apparatus whatsoever. I'd be like: do these bullies and exploiters own magic cloaks of invisibility? Or am I basically just a sentient trash basket, whose whole purpose is passively accepting whatever emotional garbage anyone feels like unloading into me? Why does no one care when someone hurts me? Why does no one even notice?

If a person in OP's position tears themselves up and demands people look at the damage, their actions are serving the same purpose as an ambulance siren. Nobody tells ambulance drivers that running their lights and expecting people to pull over is evidence of an exaggerated need for attention. They certainly are making everyone look at them, but it's to alert people that there's an emergency nearby. For obvious reasons, no one expects ambulances to poke quietly along, hoping to be inconspicuous and not trouble anyone. No one should expect that of the OP either.

Neglect—emotional, physical, and medical—leaves terrible scars, but they're on the inside where no one can see. I can completely understand the desire to externalize those scars, to make them visible enough for you to "qualify" for even the slightest notice from your fellow human beings. I also suspect it doesn't work well, because being confronted with that level of pain and damage tends to trigger people's fight/flight/freeze response. Somewhere deep in their limbic systems, people think: "OMG, they're all torn up. A leopard must have tried to eat them. I'd better run before it can eat me too!"

TL; DR—OP isn't faking or malingering. Rather, lots of people have all the empathy of a jackbooted kick to the head, and are basically useless.

 

[wondering&wandering]

Like the others have so rightly put it: your traumatic experiences were bad enough to effect you. That's all there is to it. If people think it wasn't bad enough, then that means they're ignorant or selfishly want to keep you down by wishing more harm comes to you. Don't wish more harm upon yourself lest you get hurt even more for no good reason.

Your experiences are valid. Your humanity is valid. You are enough.

You might not realize that yet, but hopefully you will. Life is hard, and some people choose to dip out. It's up to you how you want it to go from here on. Circumstances can often times be something we can't change, but mindset is.

Whatever happens I hope you find peace. Feel free to pm if you ever want to talk or vent!