I think it's because the term "rape" can seem to have an implication of "fast, brutal, immediate"—which may not accurately depict all sexual abuse experiences. Not all rapes are the stereotypical connotations of "immediate, explicit, unambiguous violence".
There are rapes that may not even use physical force, but instead threats; be it social, financial, legal, et cetera.
You have a right over this word, "rape". Your experience does not have to be excluded or conform to this word: The
word is what should conform to your experience.
Of course, there are terms other than rape as well <3. Sexual abuse is a fair general term; implies your body was used in a way you didn't like. This does not specify the
nature of the action: so it may be more inclusive to different experiences. (Especially ones that do not fit the common image that "rape" may conjure.)
Your body was subjected, against your will, in a manner you did not want, by someone you did not wish to do
any of those things. This is sexual abuse because the violation is expressly sexual (abuse of genitalia by another person).
Pain is felt in many different ways
.
This is one way a human brain responds to an
immensely painful event
.
Here is my guess, that should be taken with serious salt (for you know your own experience in a way I do not
). My guess: In the source of the traumatic moment, your brain and emotional expression were—out of fear—trying to suppress all outward displays of negative emotion; potentially to avoid showing pain to the sexual abuser. This could happen because you felt that "if I show negative emotion to this sexual abuser, then it will put me in more danger than I am in right now".
The dissonance between bodily response and emotional feeling is something sexual abuse experiencers have noted: the body may send signals of sexual response, whereas the brain, mind, and emotions, feel violated.
The smiling and laughing are NOT proof of "joy" or absence of pain
at all. One example; a depressed person may joke and laugh, even if they don't feel joyful in that moment at all.
Internal experience and emotion are different affairs.
You don't have to be a "survivor"
. The truth is that there CAN be healing. So much of the modern trauma paradigm sends this message of "your healing will never ever be enough and you're bound forever; you'll never be thriving, only surviving", but that is a
narrative,
not a prophecy of how EVERY human brain operates.
Identifying as a survivor is a double edged sword. It can galvanize someone to speak up about their experience. But it can also have the downside of making someone feel "if my life wasn't at risk, then was it really rape at all", due to the "danger" connotations "survivor" may carry.
Identity is catchy. It can also stick. It's my own opinion that the purpose of identifying as "survivor", is to help someone find other people who have also experienced sexual abuse, to help find support, community, and any healing and recognition that comes from engaging with humans who know what you have gone through.
Identity labels are not prerequisites for rendering your sexual abuse experience as "real". All labels, words, terms (rape, survivor, etc) should be used not as filters to exclude experiences, but channels for people's own experiences to flow through.
Words should make space for experiences. Experiences should not be excluded, merely because they differ from whatever common notion a word brings up.
There are such kinds of pain you are feeling right now
.
The pain of not having anyone to speak to about it. The pain of struggling to suppress the memory. The pain of the fear of it resurfacing. The pain of being distanced from trauma therapy. The pain of being distanced from support. The pain of the stigmas cruelly projected onto trauma.
These are all forms of pain: they are real, for they exist as real physical electrical signals in your brain. Injury to limbs sends signals through your neurons into your brain; and your brain in response renders a pain signal, and it renders it in the arm. People with amputates limbs are able to sometimes feel pain
in the amputated limb, even though it's not there. (googling the term for this right now.) This is known as "
phantom pain": and it proves pain is inside the BRAIN: but the brain is an
organ too; and so pain in the brain is JUST as real as pain in the arms, heart, shoulders, and anywhere.
Here is a quote to exemplify the reality of
all kinds of pain: even the ones that are less easily seen. I extend this to pains that may struggle to note as pain, but can still strain and hurt oneself in different ways ♥.
If a person who was explicitly abused
in the genitals at 9 years old by a 13 year old male cousin, is barred from using the term "rape", or any like terms such as "sexual abuse, sexual assault, et cetera" then those words severely lack currency for including experiences of sexual abuse.
You don't have to identify as "survivor, victim", et cetera; your pain is real regardless of what words you prefer. Language is flexible ♥. Here is one such alternative description; one out of ENDLESS ways to understand your experience <3. "Person who at one momentary point in their life was sexually abused; someone who was negatively affected by this traumatic event, but whose body, mind, and life, are not ultimately defined by it."
Lemme know if there is absolutely anything you want to ask, and I can write you a reply :). Wishing you the best and most embracing of healing, support, and growth, amidst all pain and all confusion, and may there be much shade for you in the space ahead
<3
.
