(tw: ed) I can’t do this

[tired of living]

cw eating disorder
-
I am a fat person with an eating disorder. My life contradicts itself and that alone is depressing.

I weighed myself this morning and sh'd after. I just got home and ate so many random things I didn't even want. I'm so used to starving or making my body do things to make up for what I do eat, that sometimes I can't stop sneaking food even if I'm not hungry.

This life is depressing. I currently feel like I'm going to pass out. I get these terrible headaches. My hair is falling out. All I think about is food. I want to die when I see pictures of myself. I've done this for 5 YEARS and all I've done is gain weight I can't get off. I cannot explain how distressing it is to start starving yourself in seventh grade, gain a lot of weight out of nowhere (im talking around 90 pounds in a matter of a year or so), and end up torturing yourself for years just to remain at a higher weight.

I won't ever get help, I won't ever want to tell people what's wrong with me. Nobody would believe me. I know I'm in too deep to get out of this all myself. I've tried.
I feel my body getting weaker. I'm lightheaded all the time. Sometimes I purge and get so dizzy I wonder if this time something really wrong is happening. I'm having vision changes. I don't have the energy to do much.

Nobody suspects a thing.

I can't do this anymore. I don't even really want to die, I just can't live like this forever and there really is no other way out.

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

I'm really sorry you feel like this. It must be an extremely uncomfortable feeling. I'm not a therapist and my social skills are rubbish if I even decide to exercise them, so I can't make you feel better. All I can do is virtual hugs. I hope you get relief. Much love dude

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful and tiring what you have to endure. Existing can certainly be very painful as there is no real relief from what we go through and it can be prison like being trapped in this human body as it can torture us. But I cannot even imagine how hard it must be having to suffer continually like that. Best wishes.

 

[PurpleMonkey]

I won't ever get help, I won't ever want to tell people what's wrong with me. Nobody would believe me.

This forum is a nonjudgmental arena but in the least condescending way I'll tell you upfront that that is not true. Obesity and compulsive eating are well recognized illnesses and a variety of treatment exists. Not all of it might work for you (or not immediately/easily) but coping with weight loss is given the same severity these days as dealing with asthma and/or any other omniscient ailment.

You said yourself that you don't necessarily want to CTB. It would be against your interests to not pursue the help you clearly want.

What kind of circle of support do you have? If you don't have one, I would be glad to help you with an exercise/diet regiment that even food stamps could accommodate.

 

[lifeORdeath]

cw eating disorder
-
I am a fat person with an eating disorder. My life contradicts itself and that alone is depressing.

I weighed myself this morning and sh'd after. I just got home and ate so many random things I didn't even want. I'm so used to starving or making my body do things to make up for what I do eat, that sometimes I can't stop sneaking food even if I'm not hungry.

This life is depressing. I currently feel like I'm going to pass out. I get these terrible headaches. My hair is falling out. All I think about is food. I want to die when I see pictures of myself. I've done this for 5 YEARS and all I've done is gain weight I can't get off. I cannot explain how distressing it is to start starving yourself in seventh grade, gain a lot of weight out of nowhere (im talking around 90 pounds in a matter of a year or so), and end up torturing yourself for years just to remain at a higher weight.

I won't ever get help, I won't ever want to tell people what's wrong with me. Nobody would believe me. I know I'm in too deep to get out of this all myself. I've tried.
I feel my body getting weaker. I'm lightheaded all the time. Sometimes I purge and get so dizzy I wonder if this time something really wrong is happening. I'm having vision changes. I don't have the energy to do much.

Nobody suspects a thing.

I can't do this anymore. I don't even really want to die, I just can't live like this forever and there really is no other way out.

Are you ok any psych meds? Some psych meds I have been on have made me eat or crave stuff like carbs and sweets, even when I know I wasn't hungry and it led to weight gain.

When not on them my depression and anxiety led me to not eating, the opposite and still not healthy, and lost weight too fast and looked sick.

 

[BillyBob]

I know what you are feeling. Currently living with Anorexia nervosus and all that happens is food is all you think of all day long and there is nothing you can do about it.
Fearing food which is what someone needs to live but then dread and regret instantly comes into thoughts as soon as you take a bite.
Binge eating and purging 6 times a night or more. Wasting so much money on food to just be flushed down the toilet.
It really is a tourtuious cycle which is sooo hard to break. Have went to eating disorder clinics which helped for a little but all they turned out to be was fattening clinics without trying to get to the problem.

All I can say is I wish you the best. It is hard to tell people about having an eating disorder and are judged extremely hard since people just go, "Just don't eat as much" Trust me it is not that simple.

 

[Mr. Squiggles]

i'm fat myself and can't get rid of the overweight. without amphetamine derivates i could not get up in the morning, and without benzos i could barely ever sleep. the benzos make me really stoned and crave food without a feeling of satiation.
but my self-hate is a great motivator to workout until muscle failure. started doing weights inbetween playing games and now i do it 2-3 times a week in the gym. blasting aggressive music helps to drown out the noise of what other people might think.
i'm still fat, sweating like a pig and neither weight nor hate will go away, but i've grown stronger and more defined which makes it feel less bad. the shock of an ice cold shower afterwards also does a thing.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Nobody would believe me.

This part isn't true, though. Lots of us believe you. There are self-help groups, 12-step groups, etc. Plenty of people who know how this stuff works will believe you.

Edit: I see Purple Monkey has mentioned this. Hugs!!!!