The only way I will get into the right place for this is to shut down. I need to stop talking to people. I need to go to the most isolated place I can get to. I need to stop asking for help. I need to stop talking, messaging, interacting. To some extent I need to be sure of what I'm doing, whether I have everything together to take this forward and I tend to need to ask people to make sure I'm doing this right. I wish I had more confidence in myself and what I'm doing. I wish I felt I could shut down with confidence.
I feel it more and more. I caused things to go wrong for myself. I can't correct that. I need to focus.
Pain is unimaginable. Just when I think it can't get any harder, it shoots up again and I'm hurting even more. I caused things to go wrong for me and I need to shut down, I need to die. I am never going to survive, I am never going to make it. This is terminal. This is stronger than any medication, any drug.
Pain is unimaginable. Just when I think it can't get any harder, it shoots up again and I'm hurting even more. I caused things to go wrong for me and I need to shut down, I need to die. I am never going to survive, I am never going to make it. This is terminal. This is stronger than any medication, any drug.
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I caused things to go wrong when I could have gotten them right. I can't come back.
I'm shutting down.
I need to escape.
I need to see an escape. I need to make an escape. I need to find and create my escape.
It's time to escape.
Time to escape this life.
I'm shutting down.
I need to escape.
I need to see an escape. I need to make an escape. I need to find and create my escape.
It's time to escape.
Time to escape this life.
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More calls to 111. Going to escape.
Escape is the next step.
I only live now to escape life. I can't wait to escape.
I'm not tough. I need to escape.
Escape is the next step.
I only live now to escape life. I can't wait to escape.
I'm not tough. I need to escape.
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Death is escape. I need to escape.
There is nothing left. Bits and pieces. Smashed bricks.
Another call to 111. Attending a course tomorrow. Flat, static, rigid, non existent.
Pounded to nothing. Ready to die.
There is nothing left. Bits and pieces. Smashed bricks.
Another call to 111. Attending a course tomorrow. Flat, static, rigid, non existent.
Pounded to nothing. Ready to die.
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Politics is a distraction. I need to escape.
Life is breaking down. I am breaking down. I will escape this life, I will escape everything.
I was not strong enough, my character was not strong enough. I caused things to go wrong for myself. I have lost everything. I will escape everything.
Life is breaking down. I am breaking down. I will escape this life, I will escape everything.
I was not strong enough, my character was not strong enough. I caused things to go wrong for myself. I have lost everything. I will escape everything.
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Attention seeking. The last 10 years have made me look like the biggest attention seeker alive. The most pathetic human being alive. The most embarrassing person alive. How I reduced myself into this. I had it all going. And I wrecked myself, my whole life is gone. I am hurting. My head is nothing but pain. Trying to put myself into words, rationale my actions into solid reasons and explanations. I can't do it. I didn't need to do this to myself, but I'm stuck with it now and it's going to kill me. No human can go from where they were, what they could have been screw up like this and make their life work. Too much failure actually weakens your health if its sustained and long term. I think of what could have been and fall down more and more. I want to stop drawing attention to myself now, it's all over.
Insecurity is keeping me alive. Feeling secure about dying will help me shut down.
Insecurity is keeping me alive. Feeling secure about dying will help me shut down.
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The more pressure in my head, the more I drive towards my death. I hope SN works.
The edge in my head will help guide me out of life.
Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
Being hit by a train repeatedly.
The edge in my head will guide me to salvation.
The laughter from others, the condemnation, the scorn, the undermining, soon it will all disappear and I will never feel it again.
I will never leave the house again.
Time to do a course. It will reinforce the edge in my head. I am ready to die.
This state of mind will make me reach a place of peace, freedom from the crippling embarrassment of my life. I am ready to die.
The edge in my head will help guide me out of life.
Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
Being hit by a train repeatedly.
The edge in my head will guide me to salvation.
The laughter from others, the condemnation, the scorn, the undermining, soon it will all disappear and I will never feel it again.
I will never leave the house again.
Time to do a course. It will reinforce the edge in my head. I am ready to die.
This state of mind will make me reach a place of peace, freedom from the crippling embarrassment of my life. I am ready to die.
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I wish I had SN but I don't care about the way I go out. It's been way to long in my pitiful existence
Shutting down. This thread is helping me work towards shutting down. Why make countless threads when one is enough?
Everything is broken. I an ready to die.
Shattering, shattered. Ready to die.
The edge in my head will guide me to salvation.
Everything is broken. I an ready to die.
Shattering, shattered. Ready to die.
The edge in my head will guide me to salvation.
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Pain is too much. Want to die.
Pain never stops. Need to focus on the best attempt I can.
Pain never stops. Need to focus on the best attempt I can.
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Need to feel comfort. Need to feel secure with a plan. If it doesn't work its pointless. I have a mix of different meds, still waiting on SN, not sure what the best way to go will be.
If there is doubt it will not work.
The sheer internal insecurity affects everything. I can't clearly work to a point where I feel sure something will work.
Trying to shut it down.
Need to feel more secure with a course of action. Need to feel as secure as I can in myself. I don't know how to hit that point. I think there's a barrier. When I break that barrier I will act, I will work it out, the right method will come through. I hate suffering in confusion.
If there is doubt it will not work.
The sheer internal insecurity affects everything. I can't clearly work to a point where I feel sure something will work.
Trying to shut it down.
Need to feel more secure with a course of action. Need to feel as secure as I can in myself. I don't know how to hit that point. I think there's a barrier. When I break that barrier I will act, I will work it out, the right method will come through. I hate suffering in confusion.
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I will reach the top of my head and then I will die.
It's so easy to go wrong in life. Its even worse when you know you're doing something to cause everything to go wrong into a place you can't come back from.
Holding out as long as you can, not because you intend to but rather it just happens. I wish I had never turned out this way.
I will deactivate accounts I have used over the years when I am sure I have the right combination to my death. I am sure the right combination is coming, on the way.
It's so easy to go wrong in life. Its even worse when you know you're doing something to cause everything to go wrong into a place you can't come back from.
Holding out as long as you can, not because you intend to but rather it just happens. I wish I had never turned out this way.
I will deactivate accounts I have used over the years when I am sure I have the right combination to my death. I am sure the right combination is coming, on the way.
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Shutting down.
Self harming. Three deep cuts on my left arm.
Imagine fucking yourself up for nothing. Turning up at someone's work over and over, how the fuck did you expect that to play out?? I can't wait to kill myself!!
Just cut myself again. Starting to bleed.
I wish I hadn't screwed myself up. I'm on the way out. Can't fucking wait to die.
Self harming. Three deep cuts on my left arm.
Imagine fucking yourself up for nothing. Turning up at someone's work over and over, how the fuck did you expect that to play out?? I can't wait to kill myself!!
Just cut myself again. Starting to bleed.
I wish I hadn't screwed myself up. I'm on the way out. Can't fucking wait to die.
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Gearing up to die. I need to shut down.
This thread is my transition towards death. I can't wait to die.
The right state of mind leads to the death I require.
This thread is my transition towards death. I can't wait to die.
The right state of mind leads to the death I require.
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Trying to shut down. Everything is a lost cause. I never quite managed to know how to follow through with people. I think I always was awkward. Didn't mean to be, I think being able to follow through with people is a skill that I just never had. Even being in the right environments I just couldn't do it. Is it easier for girls? Not necessarily. But I know I am fucked in life. I am ready to die, ready to end this suffering.
I could have been so much more than this. My inability to follow through with people caused this.
Too much pain.
I could have been so much more than this. My inability to follow through with people caused this.
Too much pain.
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Need to see what I could have done, should have done. When it comes through, I will die.
SN is on the way. Getting closer to death.
I need to feel sharp. I need to focus sharp. I need to see the answers to what went wrong. I need to see how things went wrong, specifically. I feel how things went wrong but it's more than that. I need to see how what I did made things go wrong for me. I need to see how A caused B and how I should have handled A better, changed A, refined A. Once it makes sense it will be easier to manage my pain into death.
SN is on the way. Getting closer to death.
I need to feel sharp. I need to focus sharp. I need to see the answers to what went wrong. I need to see how things went wrong, specifically. I feel how things went wrong but it's more than that. I need to see how what I did made things go wrong for me. I need to see how A caused B and how I should have handled A better, changed A, refined A. Once it makes sense it will be easier to manage my pain into death.
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Pain is unbearable. I really hurt myself.
I will shut down.
Like the man who set himself on fire over politics, I will shut down.
I will close all of the doors. I will end myself.
I will shut down. I must shut down. I need to shut down. There is no other way.
I am so internally twisted. I am like a broken piece of china. I broke myself. Life was too fast for me. I don't know what the answers are any more. All I know is I have lost what I had. I wish I could go back to where I was. But it's never coming back and I caused it all to break. I am suffocating in my own crap. I just need something to kick in now, something to make sense, something that explains everything, puts things into words, into some form of sense. I am never coming back.
I just need some form of conclusion. Whatever it is, it's all I need.
All I can think about is what I should have been. When I was a small boy, when I changed schools, when I was a teenager, when I was 19. I can't shake it, I got it wrong.
Is reincarnation real? It could be. I don't know. I'm open to it.
The most exciting thing I can do for myself now is to die.
I don't need to ask for help any more. I'm ready to move on.
Some people try and help. Some people mean well. I feel that. I'm helping myself by dying.
The limits will break. I will burn through them. I will set myself on fire to reach my own place.
I'm about to explode.
People will always say they're trying to be nice, as if they're clever. I need to shut down.
I will find the most secluded place I can and die.
I will shut down.
Like the man who set himself on fire over politics, I will shut down.
I will close all of the doors. I will end myself.
I will shut down. I must shut down. I need to shut down. There is no other way.
I am so internally twisted. I am like a broken piece of china. I broke myself. Life was too fast for me. I don't know what the answers are any more. All I know is I have lost what I had. I wish I could go back to where I was. But it's never coming back and I caused it all to break. I am suffocating in my own crap. I just need something to kick in now, something to make sense, something that explains everything, puts things into words, into some form of sense. I am never coming back.
I just need some form of conclusion. Whatever it is, it's all I need.
All I can think about is what I should have been. When I was a small boy, when I changed schools, when I was a teenager, when I was 19. I can't shake it, I got it wrong.
Is reincarnation real? It could be. I don't know. I'm open to it.
The most exciting thing I can do for myself now is to die.
I don't need to ask for help any more. I'm ready to move on.
Some people try and help. Some people mean well. I feel that. I'm helping myself by dying.
The limits will break. I will burn through them. I will set myself on fire to reach my own place.
I'm about to explode.
People will always say they're trying to be nice, as if they're clever. I need to shut down.
I will find the most secluded place I can and die.
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This will be the hardest thing I ever do. But I must do it.
Trying to shred myself down into death.
Life is edge. I need to escape the edge.
All I can feel is edge.
Gearing to shut down. Bit by bit.
Trying to shred myself down into death.
Life is edge. I need to escape the edge.
All I can feel is edge.
Gearing to shut down. Bit by bit.
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Eating again for now. I know I can avoid food for SN so it's alright.
The next step is death. When I feel secure it will all come together.
Time to hit the point in my head where I self destruct.
I thought I was clever. I thought I knew best. I was wrong.
So much pain. I'm eating less and less. I brought this on myself.
I'm in so many pieces that's it's hard to see a coherent piece. I need a coherent piece to steady myself on to focus on my way out.
The next step is death. When I feel secure it will all come together.
Time to hit the point in my head where I self destruct.
I thought I was clever. I thought I knew best. I was wrong.
So much pain. I'm eating less and less. I brought this on myself.
I'm in so many pieces that's it's hard to see a coherent piece. I need a coherent piece to steady myself on to focus on my way out.
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I'm sorry I was so pathetic. I'm sorry I am so pathetic.
I need more willpower to shut down. Impossible willpower.
I need willpower out of my embarrassment and it's just impossible.
Too much embarrassment is painful. I have embarrassed myself into death.
Trying to shut down. Embarrassed myself to death.
Caught between too many things and pressures keeping me alive and desperately wanting to die. It's too much. I'm tearing apart, literally splitting into two.
I can't hold it together. The therapy I'm being offered is making me more ill. I want to die.
I can't contain my internal embarrassment. I have embarrassed myself to death. I want to die.
I need a method of death that works. Right now.
Splitting into two. A mangled freak. I need to die.
I need more willpower to shut down. Impossible willpower.
I need willpower out of my embarrassment and it's just impossible.
Too much embarrassment is painful. I have embarrassed myself into death.
Trying to shut down. Embarrassed myself to death.
Caught between too many things and pressures keeping me alive and desperately wanting to die. It's too much. I'm tearing apart, literally splitting into two.
I can't hold it together. The therapy I'm being offered is making me more ill. I want to die.
I can't contain my internal embarrassment. I have embarrassed myself to death. I want to die.
I need a method of death that works. Right now.
Splitting into two. A mangled freak. I need to die.
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I suffer with hyperanxiety. This is on the back of being the most embarrassing person alive. This is affecting my ability to carry out suicide reasonably. I need to die.
Trying to die.
I need to shut down.
Spoke to 111 again. Finding it hard to shut down.
Being so embarrassing you can't do anything. Feeling embarrassment so strong and intense you're trapped and it's breaking you. I am ready to die.
Trying to be able to direct myself, to be able to make this work.
Trying to die.
I need to shut down.
Spoke to 111 again. Finding it hard to shut down.
Being so embarrassing you can't do anything. Feeling embarrassment so strong and intense you're trapped and it's breaking you. I am ready to die.
Trying to be able to direct myself, to be able to make this work.
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Trying to direct myself through the embarrassment. I had everything going for me and I ruined it. Death is the only answer now.
I just want to die. I struggle to feel secure. I don't know how to feel secure with anything. Feeling secure is beyond me now. I just want to die.
I have crippled myself. Looking to die.
The most secure thing. Once I feel something secure, then I can die.
I'm caught between two extremes. Staying alive for nothing and suffering, or dying and breaking people who care for me. I am hurting too much. I choose death.
Another call to 111. One way or another, I will die. I will wear myself down to death if I have to. I need to escape this. Enough is enough.
Death is my solution.
I just want to die. I struggle to feel secure. I don't know how to feel secure with anything. Feeling secure is beyond me now. I just want to die.
I have crippled myself. Looking to die.
The most secure thing. Once I feel something secure, then I can die.
I'm caught between two extremes. Staying alive for nothing and suffering, or dying and breaking people who care for me. I am hurting too much. I choose death.
Another call to 111. One way or another, I will die. I will wear myself down to death if I have to. I need to escape this. Enough is enough.
Death is my solution.
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Willpower and wearing myself down. I'm going to do it.
I have defeated myself. Time to die.
My final moments are coming. I will escape my self-inflicted/pitying/indulgent hell once and for all. I just need to feel more secure.
I'm just waiting for my head to finally snap and then it's going to happen.
I've lost everything. Time to die.
Shutting down. Willpower is everything.
Sometimes you just have to push yourself over the cliff, no matter how hard it is.
Life is pressure.
I have defeated myself. Time to die.
My final moments are coming. I will escape my self-inflicted/pitying/indulgent hell once and for all. I just need to feel more secure.
I'm just waiting for my head to finally snap and then it's going to happen.
I've lost everything. Time to die.
Shutting down. Willpower is everything.
Sometimes you just have to push yourself over the cliff, no matter how hard it is.
Life is pressure.
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I hit a state of mental rest yesterday. On the back of that and SN I ordered I believe I am ready to pass on.
The anxiety I feel is razor sharp. Until I feel steady through it it will be difficult to carry out an attempt. But here I am, sensing I can face it into something. Death is coming. I must be sure my attempt will work.
Sometimes you make one massive mistake and it's all over, everything unravels.
I'm going to lose my parents, my sister, my memories, my life experience. I guess I already did when I screwed up. I wish I had never kept turning up at her work. I screwed up and out of that screw up things are beyond hope.
I've got what I need to die, now I just need to settle my anxiety out into being able to do it. It's been a hard task but I appreciate those who have helped me reach this point.
The anxiety I feel is razor sharp. Until I feel steady through it it will be difficult to carry out an attempt. But here I am, sensing I can face it into something. Death is coming. I must be sure my attempt will work.
Sometimes you make one massive mistake and it's all over, everything unravels.
I'm going to lose my parents, my sister, my memories, my life experience. I guess I already did when I screwed up. I wish I had never kept turning up at her work. I screwed up and out of that screw up things are beyond hope.
I've got what I need to die, now I just need to settle my anxiety out into being able to do it. It's been a hard task but I appreciate those who have helped me reach this point.
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