Back to suicide. I know I did myself in. It was too important. Trying to kill myself in 2022 was the right call. The number 16 is real. The number 19 makes sense. I handled being homeless fine. I walked into being scammed over SN by an 18 year old, if I wasn't so volatile over my suicidal feelings perhaps it wouldn't have happened. I have stabilised feelings since March, things are a lot clearer to me and that is helping me to decide. But I am also on edge, I self harm I starve. I get on better with people, I communicate more directly and engage myself with more connection. But I am also suffering very hard, I ask for too much from my parents, they work hard hours on very little while I sit at home with the luxury to sleep when I want, eat freely, spend money freely, have endless free time. There's a real disconnect here and I feel constantly about to shatter, I feel its unsustainable and I'm going to crash, people around me are going to crash. The fear of that is very intense and will push me to kill myself. For now I'm just trying to settle what I can, I need to stop asking for help and support from people who are struggling themselves but at the same time I can't ask for help from people and places who are more likely to come down hard on me and affect the stability I've already got. I don't want the freedom to die on my terms taken away from me, if I go homeless again I will probably be in a better place to take SN but then again I can't tell. I am a leech.
I am not a real man.
There was no edge to me. The last 10 years I have been nothing more than a punchbag for everyone else's edge. I am going to die.
