lurked around for long enough until i finally decided to make a profile, so hello everyone!
really need to vent so here goes: I've struggled with my mental health for over 10 years now. I'm no doctor but I'm sure thinking of death constantly, daydreaming to escape reality, or having a lack of joy even for the things that you used love aren't signs of healthy mind. I couldn't say exactly where or when the idea of CTB first came to mind but I've been on and off that train of thought for many years now, never attempting but the thought its right there in the back of my mind constantly, even when life is going relatively good (don't have steady income so it's not often but you get what I mean lol).
In the past month it seems CTB is all that I can think about. I have easily identified the source and lets just say its a situation that I cannot easily avoid or get out of but it involves dealing with shitty people in an overall shitty environment where everyone feels like they can be demeaning or push others around. It's been a shock to my system to say the least and as someone with no friends and who doesn't enjoy interacting with people (specially when they are strangers whose first reaction is to be assholes towards you the moment you don't act like they want you to) it's like a personal nightmare. I have talked to the few people I trust about my situation and they all had a mixture of opinions, some which I found helpful. But sadly, the most egregious comments came from those I care for the most, which include things like 'that's just life' or 'you have to tough it out'.
But it's hard. It's so fucking hard to though it out. Especially when the thought of CTBing is constantly there and even more so knowing that, if I wisen up, I might just be able to go through with it. I might just be too sensitive or simply not built for the shittiness that comes with being alive in general, but then why can't I simply choose to not partake in life anymore? Why does it need to be a spectacle wether someone wants to CTB or not? Ultimately the world and governments only care about keeping people alive for the sake of having the next generations of wage slaves, not because they value them as individuals. Maybe theres value to be found in individual relationships and friendships but I have never been good at makign friends or talking to people in general, preferring to keep to myself (though I believe this mindset has now come to bite me in the ass in recent times).
I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of pain that comes with CTB or, in the 'peaceful' cases, the fear of failure or changing my mind at the last minute. Not to mention there has already been a case of CTB in my close circle before and I don't think I have it in me to put those I care about through such pain again. But god I feel like I'm fighting against my own mind sometimes. Even as I write, I know there are things I need to get done for tomorrow but I dread the thought of getting them done for some stupid reason. I'm self-sabotaging myself, I know this, so why can't I just fucking stop myself from doing it?
Ultimately, I know I'm not okay. I know I won't be for a while as I cannot afford mental healthcare and pinching for pennies from relatives who are already struggling themselves is out of the question. For now, I'm simply trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope the ground is solid when I do.
Thank you for reading my rant if you made it here!
really need to vent so here goes: I've struggled with my mental health for over 10 years now. I'm no doctor but I'm sure thinking of death constantly, daydreaming to escape reality, or having a lack of joy even for the things that you used love aren't signs of healthy mind. I couldn't say exactly where or when the idea of CTB first came to mind but I've been on and off that train of thought for many years now, never attempting but the thought its right there in the back of my mind constantly, even when life is going relatively good (don't have steady income so it's not often but you get what I mean lol).
In the past month it seems CTB is all that I can think about. I have easily identified the source and lets just say its a situation that I cannot easily avoid or get out of but it involves dealing with shitty people in an overall shitty environment where everyone feels like they can be demeaning or push others around. It's been a shock to my system to say the least and as someone with no friends and who doesn't enjoy interacting with people (specially when they are strangers whose first reaction is to be assholes towards you the moment you don't act like they want you to) it's like a personal nightmare. I have talked to the few people I trust about my situation and they all had a mixture of opinions, some which I found helpful. But sadly, the most egregious comments came from those I care for the most, which include things like 'that's just life' or 'you have to tough it out'.
But it's hard. It's so fucking hard to though it out. Especially when the thought of CTBing is constantly there and even more so knowing that, if I wisen up, I might just be able to go through with it. I might just be too sensitive or simply not built for the shittiness that comes with being alive in general, but then why can't I simply choose to not partake in life anymore? Why does it need to be a spectacle wether someone wants to CTB or not? Ultimately the world and governments only care about keeping people alive for the sake of having the next generations of wage slaves, not because they value them as individuals. Maybe theres value to be found in individual relationships and friendships but I have never been good at makign friends or talking to people in general, preferring to keep to myself (though I believe this mindset has now come to bite me in the ass in recent times).
I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of pain that comes with CTB or, in the 'peaceful' cases, the fear of failure or changing my mind at the last minute. Not to mention there has already been a case of CTB in my close circle before and I don't think I have it in me to put those I care about through such pain again. But god I feel like I'm fighting against my own mind sometimes. Even as I write, I know there are things I need to get done for tomorrow but I dread the thought of getting them done for some stupid reason. I'm self-sabotaging myself, I know this, so why can't I just fucking stop myself from doing it?
Ultimately, I know I'm not okay. I know I won't be for a while as I cannot afford mental healthcare and pinching for pennies from relatives who are already struggling themselves is out of the question. For now, I'm simply trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope the ground is solid when I do.
Thank you for reading my rant if you made it here!
