I think that is the best I can do, until the time is right to CTB.
I want to have a go at life again, without all the negatives, but still be able to experience the definition to life that the negatives bring. I want to live life free, to be able to do whatever I want, when I want. I am talking about emotional freedom. I am talking about living a life far different from this one. I feel I deserve it, and I feel I should never have to feel anything negative ever again, after what I've been through.
I don't feel good feeling this way, because it doesn't feel realistic. But it is how I truly feel, and I am a rational person emotionally speaking. It feels very conflicting.
I wanted to earn a good life, a good eternity, spiritually speaking. I do not want positives to come from negatives. Because of this, I also want a way for me to really take this journey, the right way for once. Again this is conflicting. On one hand I feel I deserve to be compensated. On the other hand, I feel I want to work for what I would be compensated with.
So I feel I need to bend the laws of reality. But at the same time, I do not want to be in a different reality.
So I am not sure what is in store for me after death. I feel like God owes me God itself. And I feel I should be allowed to kill God. I deserve a better God.
I think there is something in life that works to make things fair. What is unnerving is that what has happened to me feels very off the grid. It is so far from any kind of normal human experience. I see fairness, or at least reasonable regularity play out in other people's lives, but my life feels out of bounds.
I see other people get frustrated or feel like a hero for dealing with things that can not compare to what I am going through. I get bothered facing this truth. I go online and research stories of people being tortured, going through terrible things, and nothing makes me feel like they had it worse than me. Their suffering feels one dimensional. When other people talk about their troubles, they perceive it as multidimensional, and elaborate with details, but it is nothing that I have not understood before.
I am constantly in denial of the severity of my suffering. I am constantly suppressing my true feelings, and therefore constantly suppressing the reality of what my situation truly is. It goes to ridiculous lengths.
I feel it is time to be irrational. Irrational, meaning I just do my best to stay calm, no matter what it takes, until the time is right to CTB. It does not feel good to be irrational. The rational mind works the way it naturally works, and I am already acting irrationally in so many ways.
I had a full bottle of champagne today. Nothing, don't feel anything from it.
I wish there was a satisfying way to quench anger.
There is no objective hope for me. The hope I feel is irrationally taught to me by do gooders who are ignorant. They deserve to be punished for messing with my head like this.
I do not see life to blame for anything, I see something else to blame. But because it happened, I do see life to blame in a roundabout way for allowing it to happen. I am tremendously angry at what is to blame because of this. It has ruined my relationship with life, in a deep, spiritual way.
I am a very spiritual person. I used to dedicate long periods of time pondering on deep philosophical concepts. I would think about the world. I would immerse myself in the truths of life.
I am very talented and skillful. I would love to progress and learn in many different areas.
I am a very kind person. I would go to tremendous lengths to do good for another person, without that person ever knowing.
Now, it is my time to die.
I want to have a go at life again, without all the negatives, but still be able to experience the definition to life that the negatives bring. I want to live life free, to be able to do whatever I want, when I want. I am talking about emotional freedom. I am talking about living a life far different from this one. I feel I deserve it, and I feel I should never have to feel anything negative ever again, after what I've been through.
I don't feel good feeling this way, because it doesn't feel realistic. But it is how I truly feel, and I am a rational person emotionally speaking. It feels very conflicting.
I wanted to earn a good life, a good eternity, spiritually speaking. I do not want positives to come from negatives. Because of this, I also want a way for me to really take this journey, the right way for once. Again this is conflicting. On one hand I feel I deserve to be compensated. On the other hand, I feel I want to work for what I would be compensated with.
So I feel I need to bend the laws of reality. But at the same time, I do not want to be in a different reality.
So I am not sure what is in store for me after death. I feel like God owes me God itself. And I feel I should be allowed to kill God. I deserve a better God.
I think there is something in life that works to make things fair. What is unnerving is that what has happened to me feels very off the grid. It is so far from any kind of normal human experience. I see fairness, or at least reasonable regularity play out in other people's lives, but my life feels out of bounds.
I see other people get frustrated or feel like a hero for dealing with things that can not compare to what I am going through. I get bothered facing this truth. I go online and research stories of people being tortured, going through terrible things, and nothing makes me feel like they had it worse than me. Their suffering feels one dimensional. When other people talk about their troubles, they perceive it as multidimensional, and elaborate with details, but it is nothing that I have not understood before.
I am constantly in denial of the severity of my suffering. I am constantly suppressing my true feelings, and therefore constantly suppressing the reality of what my situation truly is. It goes to ridiculous lengths.
I feel it is time to be irrational. Irrational, meaning I just do my best to stay calm, no matter what it takes, until the time is right to CTB. It does not feel good to be irrational. The rational mind works the way it naturally works, and I am already acting irrationally in so many ways.
I had a full bottle of champagne today. Nothing, don't feel anything from it.
I wish there was a satisfying way to quench anger.
There is no objective hope for me. The hope I feel is irrationally taught to me by do gooders who are ignorant. They deserve to be punished for messing with my head like this.
I do not see life to blame for anything, I see something else to blame. But because it happened, I do see life to blame in a roundabout way for allowing it to happen. I am tremendously angry at what is to blame because of this. It has ruined my relationship with life, in a deep, spiritual way.
I am a very spiritual person. I used to dedicate long periods of time pondering on deep philosophical concepts. I would think about the world. I would immerse myself in the truths of life.
I am very talented and skillful. I would love to progress and learn in many different areas.
I am a very kind person. I would go to tremendous lengths to do good for another person, without that person ever knowing.
Now, it is my time to die.
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