Trying to get better until I graduate

[Ghostlights]

Day 26:
I have a couple of empty notebooks, so I wrote down my favorite recipes in one of them, so I don't have to search for them on my phone anymore.
Did a bit of research on how to cook/bake things at home, because somehow I've developed a fear of processed foods and plastic. Maybe it has something to do with watching videos of those insane "grocery hauls", which contain a huge amount of junk food. Another possible reason: I used to tell myself, that it would be better for the planet if I killed myself. That isn't the reason for my suicidal thoughts, but I was thinking about additional reasons why it would be better if I was gone.

I feel a little better today, thank you :D

I was able to do some exercise and finish cleaning up random stuff in my room. Soon I'm going to get an eBay account set up and I'm going to sell half the stuff I own... Hopefully I get a decent amount of money for it. Didn't work much on the project today though.

I'm also glad I can help you out, and that I found this thread. This thread gives me a bit of motivation to do something productive with my time.

It's nice to hear that!
Answers like these make me feel so grateful, that I've found SaSu. This might be the most supportive community of any internet forum...

 

[Kenny]

I mostly just worked on my project today and cleaned up, can't think of much else to do today. I do have light plans for tomorrow though so I am looking forward to seeing how everything goes tomorrow.

 

[Kenny]

Day 26:
I have a couple of empty notebooks, so I wrote down my favorite recipes in one of them, so I don't have to search for them on my phone anymore.
Did a bit of research on how to cook/bake things at home, because somehow I've developed a fear of processed foods and plastic. Maybe it has something to do with watching videos of those insane "grocery hauls", which contain a huge amount of junk food. Another possible reason: I used to tell myself, that it would be better for the planet if I killed myself. That isn't the reason for my suicidal thoughts, but I was thinking about additional reasons why it would be better if I was gone.

It's nice to hear that!
Answers like these make me feel so grateful, that I've found SaSu. This might be the most supportive community of any internet forum...

Yeah, processed foods can be pretty bad for us, knowing how to cook is a great way to prevent that though, at least a little bit. I learned how to cook better a few years ago when I was hired at a local restaurant, I had to quit recently though because they kept giving me shifts late at night when I told them I couldn't work because of school. Sometimes they even scheduled people to do a closing shift, and then an opening shift the next day (which is very illegal here). It was super stressful, so after two years I quit.

I'm also super glad to have found SaSu, it has so many like minded people. It is a bit of a more vulnerable topic, but SaSu helps me feel like I'm not alone in my struggles, which is really important for me.

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 27 (late update):
Went to a concert and it was great even though it was kind of short and my father was there as well. For some reason all trains back to my hometown were cancelled until 5am. Had to run to the train station and managed to get the last train to the main station of the city, in which the concert was taking place. There was no bus we could take so we ended up sharing a taxi with a few other people.

Day 28:
Finally got surgery on my feet! The problems with my feet started about three or four years ago... I only had one pair of shoes back then and they were getting to small, but I had to beg my mother for half a year until she got me new ones. This caused my toenails to curve more in more into the flesh on the sides. Because of that, it always hurt to walk after standing or just having my shoes on for a couple of hours, even with shoes that fit me.

 

[Kenny]

Today I made sure I worked a bit more on my project. I have to get a few more supplies for tomorrow, but I made really big progress today. I did get a pretty bad scar on my arm though because there was one part that was really stuck, and I tried to use a small crowbar for leverage... It ended up slipping and scraped me, but it only really hurts as much as any of the other cuts on my arm. Speaking of, I've been cutting my arms a little less recently, so they've healed a little bit.

I also got a haircut today, which I really needed, my hair gets really goofy if I let it grow too long. Right after the haircut I had some calamari, which was awesome because I don't have it often and I really like it.

I researched a few laws for some oddball legal case I was scheming. I was basically seeing if a certain person could technically be sued. I wanted to be a lawyer a year ago, but I've mostly lost my passion for it, so I'll probably go into some other field of work.

Day 27 (late update):
Went to a concert and it was great even though it was kind of short and my father was there as well. For some reason all trains back to my hometown were cancelled until 5am. Had to run to the train station and managed to get the last train to the main station of the city, in which the concert was taking place. There was no bus we could take so we ended up sharing a taxi with a few other people.

Day 28:
Finally got surgery on my feet! The problems with my feet started about three or four years ago... I only had one pair of shoes back then and they were getting to small, but I had to beg my mother for half a year until she got me new ones. This caused my toenails to curve more in more into the flesh on the sides. Because of that, it always hurt to walk after standing or just having my shoes on for a couple of hours, even with shoes that fit me.

I've never had surgery, but it sounds like yours went well. It is unfortunate that a pair of shoes could've prevented all that, but what matters at this point is that everything worked out. Hopefully your feet feel a lot better in the future.

 

[Kenny]

I didn't do too much today, but I am going to try to fix my sleep schedule tonight. My sleep has been broken for a month now, so hopefully I can get it back on track today.

 

[Ghostlights]

Day 29:
Couldn't do much, because I can't really walk yet, but I finally updated my diary. This thread on SaSu helped me a lot, because I had to write down what happened this month.

Day 30:
I picked out my outfit for graduation tomorrow, but I still have to figure out which shoes to wear. I have to bandage my feet because of surgery, so I have difficulties fitting into my shoes. Walking is a bit easier than yesterday, but it looks strange.

 

[Ghostlights]

I didn't do too much today, but I am going to try to fix my sleep schedule tonight. My sleep has been broken for a month now, so hopefully I can get it back on track today.

I apologize for the late reply. It sounds like you've been making huge progress in the last couple of days, not only on your project, but generally speaking.

Speaking of, I've been cutting my arms a little less recently, so they've healed a little bit.

I'm sorry to hear, that your mental health causes you to hurt yourself... if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, feel free to write me a private message. Sending you a virtual hug

 

[webb&flow]

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRADUATION GHOSTLIGHTS!!!! i'm so so proud of you for everything over these past thirty days, and there is so so much real healing you have so beautifully made for yourself these past thirty days <3<3<3

you have made REAL progress. i repeat, REAL progress. this is actually an excellent plan you have made for yourself: checking in with yourself. putting the days together. trying something novel every day.

I know your path does indeed continue after graduation <3 that this is just one milestone you have picked for yourself. I want to let you know that all of this healing and progress and genuine introspection has created growth that you get to keep with you ♥.

However painful your walking was, you still walked across that stage, and progressed to graduation. The -gress and the grad- parts of those words both correspond to Latin words meaning this: to step. Maybe this could be interpreted as a metaphor for your journey this past month~ but only if you like, of course :). You are the one who gets to interpret your life, after all .

I wish you best of luck in all your progress to come, Ghostlights. If you ever want someone to personally talk to, chat with, vent to, pour your heart out—my PMs are all open <3 .

a little duo of songs for your graduation~

 

[Kenny]

Congratulations :D

I am a bit late here, I've been practicing some obscure digital art and not getting good sleep (fixing my sleep is harder than I thought it'd be).

Either way, I hope you had a good time. Graduation is a huge milestone that you'll look back on as long as you can remember. Graduation isn't the only milestone in life, but it is certainly one of the biggest ones.

As long as you keep setting goals for yourself and keep ambition in your heart, you'll have a reason to keep moving forward. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope life brings you somewhere great :)

I apologize for the late reply. It sounds like you've been making huge progress in the last couple of days, not only on your project, but generally speaking.

I'm sorry to hear, that your mental health causes you to hurt yourself... if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, feel free to write me a private message. Sending you a virtual hug

I'd also like to emphasize how much I appreciate this thread and the support you've given. It's helped me find something to keep me going, even if it's small and temporary little hobbies.

My graduation is in a few days, and I wish I was as excited as you were for it. I've fallen out with almost all my friends, and I feel like it'll just be awkward for me. I know that after graduation I probably won't see most of my friends ever again, or at least for a very long time, since I want to move and start my life fresh.

As for myself, today I drove to a restaurant with my sister, and decided to stop by a gas station to fill up the car. It's my parents so I figured they'd appreciate it. I filled it up with the most expensive option because I know that's a bit better for the engine, I actually used to work at that gas station which is why I know. I don't like spending much, but sometimes I have to go out and do something nice for myself just to help myself feel a bit better.

 

[Ghostlights]

Late update:
Graduation day:
Had to with my Vans, because they were most comfortable to walk in. First we got our certificate/last report card and then everyone went outside and talked to each other for a few hours... teachers, parents, students. The few people I actually talked to left quite early, so I was bored for the rest of the time and didn't feel much besides that... I was neither sad nor happy... just thought to myself "Oh, that's how it's supposed to be" (Other parents were congratulating their children and so on, mine were at home, because they didn't want to attend my graduation). I went home at 11pm and then the realization hit: I'm completely on my own.
The next day, I sent an application to a local college, because I didn't manage to get an apprenticeship for this year. It had to be done, because my parents were unhappy with my grades and they wouldn't allow me to do nothing for a year. For the first time in my life, I did something right in their eyes by choosing to study architecture (they don't know, that I'll hopefully quit and move out after a year). I feel like a tightrope walker on a windy day with no net. I have one try and when it doesn't work out, there is no support I can count own.


I want to thank all of you, who supported me over the last month. I loved reading your replies and it seriously helped me to feel better about the little things I've achieved. It really means a lot to me!

What I've learned from the last month:
Small changes really matter, but trying to fight symptoms doesn't fix the problem. I need professional help, otherwise it won't work. I've also realized, that having people, who believe in you make things a lot easier... looking at my childhood, it makes sense, that I turned out the way I am, which is why my main goal is to move out. The rest can wait. I don't need to have my life figured out at 19, there's still time.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRADUATION GHOSTLIGHTS!!!! i'm so so proud of you for everything over these past thirty days, and there is so so much real healing you have so beautifully made for yourself these past thirty days <3<3<3

you have made REAL progress. i repeat, REAL progress. this is actually an excellent plan you have made for yourself: checking in with yourself. putting the days together. trying something novel every day.

I know your path does indeed continue after graduation <3 that this is just one milestone you have picked for yourself. I want to let you know that all of this healing and progress and genuine introspection has created growth that you get to keep with you ♥.

However painful your walking was, you still walked across that stage, and progressed to graduation. The -gress and the grad- parts of those words both correspond to Latin words meaning this: to step. Maybe this could be interpreted as a metaphor for your journey this past month~ but only if you like, of course :). You are the one who gets to interpret your life, after all .

I wish you best of luck in all your progress to come, Ghostlights. If you ever want someone to personally talk to, chat with, vent to, pour your heart out—my PMs are all open <3 .

a little duo of songs for your graduation~

Thank you so much! That's so nice of you! It felt really good to read your message the day after graduation, because I wasn't having a good time... worrying about the future and so on...