Venting Trying my best to grow up.

[pochii]

I'm currently 21 and living with my family. I have one person I reliably talk to and they are online. When they are gone for a while however that may happen I spend my time in my bed on my phone scrolling until I sleep.

It's kinda scary how lonely I feel when I lose that one person I can talk to. I have a couple others on my friends list that I'll sometimes reach out to but the conversations don't really go too far i don't wanna ask them to hang out or anything just cause i don't think they want to but they might out of pity which would be worse. It's been a lot harder over time because my family just started killing themselves and it just messing everything up i don't get it.

I have a job that I got recently. It's part time and a very short drive. After 2 weeks I already hated it. Not the job itself but just going to the job and staying there until i'm off. I feel so bad and stupid for that though because everyone has to work idk why i'm so lazy and tired. As much as i don't wanna grow up i'm trying but it's so scary and I hate myself for being so scared. I don't feel like i belong in a professional setting and i feel like i need to be in that to be successful.

I have no idea what my future holds and I feel so bad for being in my family's house for so long. I live in America and I would like to leave the US but at the same time that's the scariest thing to me. Idk what to do and i feel like i'm going to be stuck in this idk what i'm doing straight line until something forces me off it and idk what that is gonna or needs to be.

If i can't find it I can't live like this. I live scared and tired everyday and the loneliness makes it worse.

 

[whybother2002]

So long? Wow, it's reading things like this that make me understand how dangerous US culture is. 21 is so young and you already have a job and goal (even if it sounds distant, it doesn't matter at this time) — that probably puts you ahead 70% of the country.

Jobs are horrible, I can understand you (though my jobs have all been remote). Apart from the desire to leave the US and your parents' home, is there anything you like and would like to spend money as a hobby? I don't know if this is your first job or not, but buying things you like with your own money is a feeling that surpasses even the shittiest of jobs.

Do you live in a small town? Do you have any interest in going to an anime convention, for example? I've heard bars with themed nights such as "emo music fridays" are a great way to know people with similar tastes as you (and trust me, I know how impossible this may looks right now, I'm naming options for you to slowly build upon if you have any interest).

Even if you don't think so, you're doing an excellent job!

 

[pochii]

So long? Wow, it's reading things like this that make me understand how dangerous US culture is. 21 is so young and you already have a job and goal (even if it sounds distant, it doesn't matter at this time) — that probably puts you ahead 70% of the country.

Jobs are horrible, I can understand you (though my jobs have all been remote). Apart from the desire to leave the US and your parents' home, is there anything you like and would like to spend money as a hobby? I don't know if this is your first job or not, but buying things you like with your own money is a feeling that surpasses even the shittiest of jobs.

Do you live in a small town? Do you have any interest in going to an anime convention, for example? I've heard bars with themed nights such as "emo music fridays" are a great way to know people with similar tastes as you (and trust me, I know how impossible this may looks right now, I'm naming options for you to slowly build upon if you have any interest).

Even if you don't think so, you're doing an excellent job!

Thank you, this is my first real job aside from a summer job I had in high school. I don't really like to buy too much stuff for me I like buying stuff for others to make them feel good. It makes me feel good when they enjoy it. I do enjoy technical and mechanical things, those peak my interest a lot.

But ya jobs suck, i have interests but i'd never wanna do them as a job. Remote jobs sound nice though since they are from home. I wish i could get one of those, i tried one time but it was fake and i got my ssn stolen which really sucks.

As far as going out to meet people it's something i have thought of but i'm very scared to do. I'm scared of soemthing bad happening to me a lot of the time, people can be really scary. But maybe i can do it one day.

I appreciate your kind words to me a lot <3 and i hope you are having a good day today

 

[ocdrowsy]

I am 22 and I feel the exact same. I feel so stunted like everyone else has figured out how to live with carrying intense fear and dread with them. I feel like I am waiting for the moment I wake up and I finally understand and everything will become so much easier than it is. I am so scared of my future too, all i want is to be okay and not be alone.

i know exactly how you feel and i wish you all the best <3

 

[pochii]

I am 22 and I feel the exact same. I feel so stunted like everyone else has figured out how to live with carrying intense fear and dread with them. I feel like I am waiting for the moment I wake up and I finally understand and everything will become so much easier than it is. I am so scared of my future too, all i want is to be okay and not be alone.

i know exactly how you feel and i wish you all the best <3

We are pretty identical haha, I'm almost 22 and I wish you all the best as well <3

 

[TheCallOfTheStars]

I'm 22 and I feel the same as well! I feel so underdeveloped because everyone else has moved on and like, most people I know have already found jobs and all that. Meanwhile I got laid off from mine back in the spring and I've been struggling since. I still feel like I'm mentally stunted because I haven't yet gotten my driver's license and I don't feel like I have the same level of mental maturity as others. And it got even worse when I was with my ex partner, because due to my other friends abandoning me at the time, I looked to her to basically be my caretaker for almost two entire years which really put a strain on her to the point where it was one of the reasons she left me. She protected me from the harsh reality of the world but ended up taking the brunt of all the issues that came for us.
So I kind of feel the same sentiments as you do, but part of me DOESN'T want to grow up. Part of me DOESN'T want to accept the reality of things. I'm in my 20s now but I still feel like I'm mentally younger a lot of times and I don't really know how to control that feeling.

 

[JustDreamer]

I'm turning 21 this year and I understand the feeling. I feel awful and ashamed that I still rely on my parents for so much still. I often feel lonely and like I don't want to or can't grow up too. Especially, since I don't have my license so my mom takes me to work and school, which I know is draining for her.

But I too enjoy buying gifts for others, especially for my parents or for the house hold in general. I don't know your situation but for me some of the guilt was lifted when I buy things I know the house needs and I offered to pay my parents a small amount of money every month to help with bills and save the rest so it feels like I'm at least building to not rely on them so much, maybe that will help you?

Sending Love.