Trying but losing energy.

[LivingANDDying26]

Haven't been here in a long time. My life is ok rn but difficult due to trauma and such.

Emotional flashbacks triggered depressive episode. Coming out of it butttttt been kinda... thinking about suicide again.

Haaa holding out hope and keeping a mindset of living while mentally being like fucking destroyed constantly is hard...

I would like to focus on life and the better things but I'm struggling.

I'm really.... wanting to end my life but also trying not to.

What do u y'all do when the urge to death is strong but u actually kinda wanna live?

How do I make that shift within myself.

Any suggestions or personal accounts of similar experiences?

 

[CandyK__]

Whenever i feel like that i try to rest. I stop anything that tires me, for me best way for that is a glass of wine, and weird content on the internet. I'd recommend for you to find what you find the most enjoyable and do it for a while.

Do something that will make you forget, and if that doesn't seem to help try talking to someone about what you're going through. If you don't have anyone to talk to, you could talk to me. Try limiting situations where you might be tempted to do something impulsive. When world looks like shit, try looking inside you, to find what you want, and lack of what makes you feel that way. Look at everything and say "fuck it", rest for a while, in sometime you will feel ok, and this is when you comeback to your life.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

Whenever i feel like that i try to rest. I stop anything that tires me, for me best way for that is a glass of wine, and weird content on the internet. I'd recommend for you to find what you find the most enjoyable and do it for a while.

Do something that will make you forget, and if that doesn't seem to help try talking to someone about what you're going through. If you don't have anyone to talk to, you could talk to me. Try limiting situations where you might be tempted to do something impulsive. When world looks like shit, try looking inside you, to find what you want, and lack of what makes you feel that way. Look at everything and say "fuck it", rest for a while, in sometime you will feel ok, and this is when you comeback to your life.

Thnxxx for these suggestions
I probs should rest.... but im tryna/wanting to do some chores. No motivation though. Maybe I'm kinda tired of resting. Like its very much just watching videos to distract myself and im getting kinda sick of it but ill think of resting today.

I have friends I could talk to but it's feeling pointless as well. Like what do I even have to talk about ir share kinda feels. Everything just feels bad and pointless tbh.


But I shall consider the things you've said.

 

[Live and Let Die]

usually I just sleep, wince most times when I feel that way it's at night. Other than that I'd recommend doing things you love or picking up a new hobby to keep things interesting. For me that's guitar, been playing for 14 years now and can't see myself a live without that ability yk? Since you aren't 100% certain about CTB I'd do anything but that; these second thoughts are like 2nd chances to continue on and read the next chapter of a book. as for chores, put on some music, iIwash dishes listening to metal.

 

[guayabas]

Thnxxx for these suggestions
I probs should rest.... but im tryna/wanting to do some chores. No motivation though. Maybe I'm kinda tired of resting. Like its very much just watching videos to distract myself and im getting kinda sick of it but ill think of resting today.

I have friends I could talk to but it's feeling pointless as well. Like what do I even have to talk about ir share kinda feels. Everything just feels bad and pointless tbh.


But I shall consider the things you've said.

some things that have helped motivate me in the past is also music like LOLD mentioned. Also I tell myself chores are exercise. If you have any desire to exercise, either for health or vanity or mood boosting, doing chores takes care of 2 things at once: cleaning/accomplishing something, and exercise. Other things that have motivated me to do chores is realizing I was so depressed that doing chores couldn't possibly make me feel worse than I already felt. Plus I usually feel a million times better when my environment is cleaner. If it's still too much, it's ok. You're still here, you made it another day and that's hard enough on it's own for ppl like us. take care <3

 

[Galileo3630]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. It takes a lot of courage to share these feelings, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this.

When the urge to end your life is strong, but you still want to live, it can be incredibly challenging to find a way forward. Here are a few things that you could try:

1. Reach out to someone you trust: It can be incredibly helpful to talk to someone about how you're feeling. This could be a friend, family member, therapist, or even a support group. Sometimes, just talking about your feelings can help you feel more connected and less alone.
   
   
2. Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself can be a powerful way to shift your focus away from suicidal thoughts. This could involve things like taking a walk, practicing meditation, or engaging in a creative hobby. Find something that brings you joy and try to make time for it every day.
   
   
3. Create a safety plan: A safety plan is a personalized plan that outlines steps you can take when you feel suicidal. This could include things like calling a crisis helpline, going to a hospital emergency room, or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member. Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control and prepared when suicidal thoughts arise.
   
   
4. Seek professional help: If you're struggling with depression or trauma, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with tools and techniques to manage your symptoms and work through your feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

Remember, there is hope for recovery, and it's essential to reach out for help when you need it. You are not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this difficult time. Me included, feel free to PM me or contact me through discord for a chat

Galileo#3630
( IF I'm breaking any of the rules with this post, please let me know, I've read the rules and I've double checked the rules before posting this, I will delete this if I broke any of the rules. )

 

[Valky]

Your own physical and mental health is the most important. Resting is not you loosing time or days, it is you preparing to continue. Recovery is a path and it is normal and important to take breaks. Don't be afraid to take those breaks. Every day you survive is a victory and you should me immensely proud of that, cause I am definitely extremely proud of you. You are doing so great and you have come so far. Don't let the dark thoughts overshadow the real you, you got this!!

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

Your own physical and mental health is the most important. Resting is not you loosing time or days, it is you preparing to continue. Recovery is a path and it is normal and important to take breaks. Don't be afraid to take those breaks. Every day you survive is a victory and you should me immensely proud of that, cause I am definitely extremely proud of you. You are doing so great and you have come so far. Don't let the dark thoughts overshadow the real you, you got this!!

Thanks.
Part of my readon I'm tempted to ctb is that I finished a masters in 2020, and then never really used it. I now seem to be less employable than before I did it.
So taking more time to bleed now feels existentially dangerous. But not doing it is no option...

 

[Valky]

Thanks.
Part of my readon I'm tempted to ctb is that I finished a masters in 2020, and then never really used it. I now seem to be less employable than before I did it.
So taking more time to bleed now feels existentially dangerous. But not doing it is no option...

I am really not trying to talk down your pain, so please don't get this wrong!! But please also consider that life has started to go crazy since 2020-2021 up until now due to Corona, Ukrainian War, etc. (You know). So it is incredibly much harder to find work now in general. (Own experience: friends in Sweden, most got let go and are struggling to find work again). So please don't think this is somehow all your fault or you did this and that wrong. Life really still is crazy rn and for people who are already struggling this is of course an additional heavy weight.

What I am trying to say:

Please don't give up hope yet.

 

[QiTianDaSheng]

Thanks, yeh it is pretty wild. I got sucked into the Deep Adaptation/XR cult in 2018/2019 already, joys of my masters being environment based, and then got sucked into crypto the last two years. Left with a lot more money than I started, but nowhere near as much as I should have had. But it cost me a lot of time, opportunities and sanity.

I don't really take anything personally now, those are the breaks. But the whole 'keep going and see if it gets better' does eventually come due. I don't see anything getting better in the near future.

You know what sucks the most though? I finally have dogs, and my own house. Isolated, with no access to people, hobbies or work. To rebuild a life, I have to surrender my house (even if I leave it here as a lifeboat) but also probably my dog(s). I'm so unemployable I'll be begging for anything, and struggled to find somewhere to rent even without dogs anywhere I lived. I can't really see how to join the dots anymore.

I'm taking a break from crypto at the moment, 2023 kicked my ass, and hoping reduced stress levels will allow me to think better. But I'm hella tired.