"i.
Somewhere, far from here,
there is a group of people
who drill holes
in their skulls
so that they can
talk to God.
ii.
When we yawn,
we force tiny bits of oxygen
into our blood,
and then to our brains
this allows us to stay awake
for split seconds longer.
Who knows what it could do
when applied directly to the brain?
iii.
With enough air pressure,
the trumpet can hit a note so loud
that it can splatter brain matter
against skull walls.
iv.
When she asked me what I was thinking about,
I yawned and said nothing.
v.
I think about putting a hole through my head
the way most people think about dinner plans-
off and on through out the day,
every day.
I guess you could say
that it's just my way of praying."
Suicidal ideation is one of those topics that is hard to talk about. That's a poem I wrote about a year and a half ago. The first time I was marked down as having suicidal thoughts? The sixth grade. I wrote a poem about death following me at every corner when I was in the fourth. But I didn't have the word suicidal just yet. and I wouldn't have suicidal ideation for many years to come.
We called it passively suicidal.
"I wouldn't kill myself but if a gun man told me to get on my knees or he'd shoot me? I would not kneel."
"I wouldn't kill myself.. but if there was a pill that I could take and never have existed.. I'd do it."
"I don't want to die but sometimes I wish I'd never been born."
Or.. as Neil Hilborn said, "I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign on a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave."
I called it Russian Roulette. because while most people with suicidal ideation will never actually kill themselves, they will do ridiculous things because they just don't /care/.
Or not take their medicine. or go to doctors. or reach out for help because suicidal ideation is like wearing your favorite sweater during the summertime.
Comforting in an odd way but heavy and suffocating and people look at you like it's your choice to be that way.
It was 12 years old sitting in a therapists office and hearing, 'you romanticize death too much for someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife' and not knowing what to say but, 'all I want to be is nothing.'
It was being 14 and sitting in an intake office, wanting desperately not to be admitted but being unable to say 'okay' to 'Promise you won't hurt yourself. no matter what'. No matter what was a silly ultimative that no one can actually promise. It was 18, the college psychologist pushing to have me pulled- it was mandatory 5 day a week outpatient because I wouldn't say 'No matter what, I won't kill myself.' It was every teacher in between reporting me to counselors for comments like, 'I can't take the test right now because I'm thinking about drinking bleach.' and drawing pictures of stick figures jumping off buildings on the back of calculus tests.
It was also walking around town at 4 am by myself because I no longer cared about the consequences. It was the second OD- swallowing handfuls of pills because they were either going to make me better or they were going to kill me and while I wanted to be better- I didn't mind the second.
It was hyperventilating because a teacher made me do an assignment that involved planning the next five years of my life. I turned in a piece of paper that said 'I won't live that long. I can't live that long. Please don't make me.'
But it was also my therapist at 19 telling me it was okay to plan my death if it kept me living. Suicide plans were escape routes, I panicked without them. With them? I could survive anything. Because I knew if I had to- I could control the end.
There is a kind of irony in that.
Suicidal ideation… is so many things.
We should take our friends seriously when they make off hand jokes about death.
We should take our friends seriously when they talk about wanting to die, or when they romanticize death.
We should take them seriously.
In cliche story time, the first time I ever said 'I don't want to die' was in the middle of spasming from an OD. I clung to a girl's shirt and kept mumbling that I didn't want to go. She cried because I had spent the past year of our friendship telling her that suicide was an inevitability for people like me. I once made her promise that if she found me half dead- to just close the door and let me go with 'dignity'.
It took me months to walk down the side of the road and not think about falling in front of the cars. Sometimes I still think about trumpets splattering brain tissue against my skull. The other day at work I was sorting papers and thinking about bridges. I'm not suicidal. But I've got years of practice romanticizing an end.
The synaptic patterns are there, it is a framework that runs strong. I'm not alone there. My best friend once said the only reason she hadn't killed herself is that she doesn't want to die fat. Later on it was how she wanted to die in New York. Sometimes the only thing that keeps her actively here is the next concert she is going to go to.
Supporting friends with suicidal ideation is hard, I know. But believe me, we know that too. Most of us expect everyone to leave anyway. Or think we'd be doing a favor to our friends if we left.
Making us feel guilty is not the answer.
Support. Reaffirm worth. Be gentle. Be understanding. Extend invitations. Go to them with your problems too. It can get real isolating real fast when people act like those with suicidal ideation can't support others. It hurts both you and them.
For those battling with suicidal ideation….
I used to think about death like dinner menus. And sometimes intrusive thoughts still strike me but not so often anymore.
Ending suicidal ideation has to be a choice. It is rarely a thing that happens on its own. But it takes effort and I understand not everyone is able to. Not everyone is in a safe place too.
Ending suicidal ideation is about understanding what you think suicide offers you. It's about making the future seem less frightening and giving yourself things worth fighting for again. It's about understanding your worth and your impact- that you can make a positive difference in with you friends/families/communities- that they are not better without you.
It is taking a deep breath every time you catch yourself thinking those thoughts and shaking your head and saying 'No. I'm not going to think like that anymore'.
It is distracting yourself if you have to.
It is being kind to yourself.
It is reminding yourself when good things happen, 'this, this is why I want to be alive.'
It is finding the beauty in things again, but mostly, in yourself again.
It is an uphill battle and this post- was probably the second hardest one I've written but it needed to be said.
Suicidal ideation is hard…
but you… you can do this.
We can do this.
together.
