danisnotok
living corpse
- Jun 25, 2024
- 24
i tried to ctb when i was 16 but it didn't work and i ended up in a mental hospital
i promised myself i wouldn't try again, just be patient
and like… i've been patient, really fucking patient
but lately nothing makes me feel alive
i get bored of everything so fast
and when my head gets full of thoughts the only thing that comes up is just ending it
but i can't i have a partner and i try to shut up when i'm with him
because if i open up he feels bad
and of course he would,
his partner is obsessed with self destruction lol like that's so much to deal with
but idk, he does shit that makes me feel stupid
like i ask him to do something and he just says yeah and then never actually does it
and maybe it sounds dumb but that stuff builds up
and i've got other shit going on
like existential stuff i don't even know who i am sometimes
gender dysphoria hits me outta nowhere
like i look at myself and i feel like a stranger in my own body
and it's all so confusing and heavy and tiring
plus
i can't even do a lot of things legally in my context
i don't have that kind of freedom in my situation
i'm just stuck
even when i wanna do something about how i feel i literally can't so it's like being a bird in a cage with no way out
just existing there
and still
i always forgive him
i don't wanna leave him
i love him so much
but sometimes it just fucking hurts, i don't blame him, i blame myself for not having a normal point of view in life, everything sucks, it's unfair how some people are just fine with life and they're happy, but me, why not me, why can't i why can't i
i promised myself i wouldn't try again, just be patient
and like… i've been patient, really fucking patient
but lately nothing makes me feel alive
i get bored of everything so fast
and when my head gets full of thoughts the only thing that comes up is just ending it
but i can't i have a partner and i try to shut up when i'm with him
because if i open up he feels bad
and of course he would,
his partner is obsessed with self destruction lol like that's so much to deal with
but idk, he does shit that makes me feel stupid
like i ask him to do something and he just says yeah and then never actually does it
and maybe it sounds dumb but that stuff builds up
and i've got other shit going on
like existential stuff i don't even know who i am sometimes
gender dysphoria hits me outta nowhere
like i look at myself and i feel like a stranger in my own body
and it's all so confusing and heavy and tiring
plus
i can't even do a lot of things legally in my context
i don't have that kind of freedom in my situation
i'm just stuck
even when i wanna do something about how i feel i literally can't so it's like being a bird in a cage with no way out
just existing there
and still
i always forgive him
i don't wanna leave him
i love him so much
but sometimes it just fucking hurts, i don't blame him, i blame myself for not having a normal point of view in life, everything sucks, it's unfair how some people are just fine with life and they're happy, but me, why not me, why can't i why can't i
