Trans

[Whole-Ad]

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've posted on here. I was sectioned in May and have been in a psychiatric hospital ever since, been about 9 months.

Things are getting worse. Ever since I was a child I always remember feeling like a boy (I am a girl). When we'd play games, I'd always be the brother or give myself a male name etc. As I got older, I dressed more masculine, hated wearing dresses and skirts. Hated makeup and anything feminine. I guess you could say I was the typical tomboy. When I was about 11, I started gaming a lot. All my online friends thought I was a boy because I chose male avatars, dressed myself as as male and stuff. Then they would always ask why I never talked in voice chats. To me it was obvious, I had a girl voice and they thought I was a boy. So I started using voice changers to make myself sound more masculine. I am 22 now and have always used the same account and I have a group of friends that I've talked to since I was around 18. They too think I am male and I still use voice changers to make me sound as such. The problem is my voice doesn't always sound genuine and today someone called me out for it. I'm not entirely sure if my friend group still think I'm male or if they secretly know. I don't know if I'm just paranoid about it. I want to be honest with them but just really unsure of how they will take it. Knowing that I've basically lied to them all this time.

I've been beginning to realise that hiding this is not making it go away. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't told anyone, and I always thought this would be a secret I'd take to the grave. I am really unhappy with how I am and I really want to start taking testosterone and transition. I also have a boyfriend who is openly transphobic. We've discussed having kids in the future and he said that he'd be fine if they came out as gay or lesbian, but he'd disown them if they came out as trans. Coming out to him means losing him and I can imagine that it is difficult to get into a relationship again as a trans person. There is a lot of hate out there and toxicity against us. How do I tell my parents that I no longer want to be their daughter? Especially after they told me how much they wanted and tried for a little girl.

I'd have to get another job, start fresh. I wouldn't want anyone knowing I am trans. I can't even look at myself anymore, I'm so disgusted. I guess deep down I've always known I was trans but I've just started to accept it now. Sometimes I think it's easier to just ctb instead of dealing with all this and that's where I'm leaning towards now. I'm just so trapped. Does anyone have any advice or just anything to help me? I appreciate this is not really a question and more of a rant but I really don't have anyone to talk to about this and this is the only place I could think of.

 

[cececo]

Hello on here and thanks for posting. I don't know if I'll be too helpful, but too late since I wanted to write something in reply. I'd say if there are things you want or want to try still then it's definitely worth pursuing and seeing how they end up before limiting yourself on if you can try them ever again. It may be easier to leave everything behind to not deal with it but at least from this post it sounds to me like you do have some things you'd still like to try or enjoy. Leaving is definite, you can't go back to see how things could have gone once you're successful. So if you think you'll be happy going one route in life give it a go. Maybe reevaluate all your relationships and what they mean to you if the people involved wouldn't be accepting of who you truly are or wish to be. If you fear losing your boyfriend more for it being hard to find another than losing him since you want a future together, then maybe reevaluate that too. Not that I can talk since I'm not trans, though I would probably be disowned myself if I came out that I love another woman. She's gone regardless so I'm just biding time, sorry for digressing. Anyways, I can't say it won't be hard if you did come out and decided to face head on all the hate and pain that unfortunately is present in our world when people just want to be themselves. But from an outside perspective I've seen people who have done so and can find happiness. There is such thing as a chosen family and you never know where things will go. I'd recommend looking up Summer Luk if you haven't heard of her, she's an inspiration to me. Her situation and content will probably resonate with you and there's a good community there. Anyways I'll stop now though you can also message if you did want to. I'm really wishing you the best. I wish there wouldn't be pain whichever path you decide to go, but wishing is about all I can offer, I'm sorry for that.

 

[Sanva]

I couldn't imagine what it's like, but I sincerely hope you can transition and live the way you want to before you resort to trying to ctb. If you have a therapist or can contact one, maybe that would be a good first step. You could tell them how you feel & they could help you with how to proceed. there are plenty of trans people who are in happy relationships and I don't think being with your transphobic boyfriend would make you happy in the long run.

I wish you the best, I hope you can find the support you need. You will definitely find a supportive community here, but there are also a bunch of subreddits for trans people & the people there might have some more advice for you since they have experience themselves.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Accepting yourself for who you are is not easy. Finding a therapist experienced with trans people would be very beneficial because processing all that stuff on your own, dealing with all that shame, guilt and stigma is incredibly hard.
Transitioning includes coming out as trans to people who are you close with, there's no other way. You can't run away, they will be looking for you.
Trans people often lose their partners when they come out or later not even because of transphobia but because partners often lose attraction to changing body and find someone else.
This will change all your life in ways you can't imagine. First you have to be absolutely sure this is what you want because it's not entirely reversible.

Find a therapist, that would be the first step.
Best of luck to you!

 

[Messgram]

the only advice i can give you in the midst of all this is to leave your boyfriend and look for someone better

 

[milly]

Were you hospitalized for attempting ctb? Is being trans the reason you tried to ctb?

 

[Whole-Ad]

Were you hospitalized for attempting ctb? Is being trans the reason you tried to ctb?

I attempted to jump off of a bridge late February and then police found SN in my car at the beginning of May and that's when I was hospitalised. At the time I was just deeply unhappy and it's only recently that I've began to realise and accept that I'm trans. But this realisation is just making the situation 10x worse if that makes any sense.

 

[Somber]

There are a number of trans people on this forum that I would like to encourage to get in on this thread.

However, the fact they are here suggests that there are no perfect solutions for genderdysphoria. I believe suicide rates among the trans community was as high as 40% according to some studies, but then again statistics can prove anything.

Save to say that there are certain things you can't escape even if you'd be in a position to move to the other end of the world. I suggest you to make an appointment with your physician so they can put you on the path jou want to take.

As for your gamer guy friends, they'd probably like to know you're a girl more than you'd like them to.

 

[someonelse]

I'm non-binary and just came out recently (in the last year) but came out as gay/queer when I was 18. I'm 44 now. I really empathize with your struggle and agree with what other people have said: it might be best to speak with a therapist about possibly transitioning. Most trans people I know are so much happier after coming out. Of course there will be challenges along the way but I feel like if you can see a future even vaguely it's worth pursuing. You're still young and have a lot of options in life. And if your boyfriend doesn't understand then it his loss for being transphobic.

I've never been in the hospital for such a long time — the longest I've been is a couple of weeks. Was it awful being there for nine months?

 

[OrcWitch]

Your boyfriend might change his opinion on the subject if it's you. That's still stressful and hurtful though, I'm sorry

 

[Rockman]

I don't know if it will help.
You mostly describe things that are culturally masculine. Non-binary children suffer greatly from this division.
You don't have to match your gender to what the environment has come up with.
I used to do deep reaserch on this and visited several medical facilities.
One presentation from some university said that only a few percent of people with Gender Identification Disorder are transgender. The rest of the people are the result of a highly traumatic environment and dysfunctional parents, with type B personality disorders and sexual trauma being a major contributor.

I am more than sure that your childhood and adolescence were very hard.
if I can advise you, it would be a specialist with training in gender identification disorders and trauma treatment. Long-term therapy before any medical interference that will be made.
Do not trust well-selling internet transition stories. Surgery doctors make a fortune on these poor people.
It is a path without turning back, lonely, with gigantic layers of pain.
Also remember that the brain grows until you are around 26 and a lot more in terms of identification and identity (not the same thing) can change, because you just grow up and try different roles or try therapy in this field.
If you want to talk about something send a message.
Good luck.
edit:
I forgot to add that there is little research into the constant effects of hormone cross therapy. But I can tell from experience that it really destroys health in the long term.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I don't know if it will help.
You mostly describe things that are culturally masculine. Non-binary children suffer greatly from this division.
You don't have to match your gender to what the environment has come up with.
I used to do deep reaserch on this and visited several medical facilities.
One presentation from some university said that only a few percent of people with Gender Identification Disorder are transgender. The rest of the people are the result of a highly traumatic environment and dysfunctional parents, with type B personality disorders and sexual trauma being a major contributor.

I am more than sure that your childhood and adolescence were very hard.
if I can advise you, it would be a specialist with training in gender identification disorders and trauma treatment. Long-term therapy before any medical interference that will be made.
Do not trust well-selling internet transition stories. Surgery doctors make a fortune on these poor people.
It is a path without turning back, lonely, with gigantic layers of pain.
Also remember that the brain grows until you are around 26 and a lot more in terms of identification and identity (not the same thing) can change, because you just grow up and try different roles or try therapy in this field.
If you want to talk about something send a message.
Good luck.
edit:
I forgot to add that there is little research into the constant effects of hormone cross therapy. But I can tell from experience that it really destroys health in the long term.

I call transphobic bullshit that one research from that one university. How they decide who is "true" trans and who is "fake". Based on what? Fitting their stereotypes? Having claster B disorders?
Transphobes always seek to invalidate trans people.
Most trans people experience problems because of:
1) transphobia
2) transition is imperfect solution for gender dysphoria because of it's limitations..

 

[Rockman]

It's hard for me to say now, it was a few years ago. But I can guess that scientifically it may have been a cause-and-effect explanation of such a state of the brain in people for whom psychotherapeutic treatment failed.

In my experience, the problems of trans people (for example: self-esteem, violence, bullying, boundaries, abandonment) start far earlier in the family home dynamics and are surprisingly similar to each other.

 

[Live Free or Die]

It's not selfish to search for happiness. You don't need the approval of anyone to be who you are. You are who you are. Don't let society decide anything for you. You decide your own fate and your own future. Be you.

 

[Heartaches]

I wasn't expecting this. I'm transmasculine but I was always scared speaking about it here due to past experiences, I didn't know if anyone would care but seeing your post has calmed down my anxiety about it, I'm really glad you came forward to talk about your struggles with most users being respectful and kind to you. Thank you.

But another reason it surprised me was because I could relate a lot to what you've gone through and thought. Last year is when I began seriously questioning my gender identity and it was very hard for my friends to understand what I was going through, which led me to cut lots of relationships. It's difficult for me to say with certainty what you could do since it's something I haven't solved myself, but in my opinion, you need to be open and talk about it with your friends; it is important for you to know whether they'll support you or not, as hard as it may be. Believe me, I know how hard it is, but if they're not willing to understand then they don't deserve you, cause being with people who don't accept you will break you in the long run. You don't deserve that, no trans person does. You're valuable, you're important and you deserve a good support system, people who'll love you no matter what you identify as; there are people out there who will understand and respect you for who you are as hidden as they may be. But if your friends are willing to understand and accept you, then you'll have a very good start, people who are willing to help you no matter what.

As for your boyfriend, I feel you should either talk about it with him as well or end your relationship. I've been in two separate relationships and both of my boyfriends were opnely transphobic, one of them was one of the first people I ever spoke about my gender identity and he was nothing but unsympathetic and cruel. If your boyfriend might disown his own children if they came out as trans then I have very little faith he'd change his opinion. Mind you, it's not impossible and he may actually be willing to grow, learn and accept you, but I have a hard time believing it. Perhaps you could have a talk with him about trans people and trans issues, not especifically in regards to you, but a general oversight on the topic. I feel you could learn more about where his transphobia comes from and tackle those issues, but part of me thinks it could be too mentally exhausting, so again, not sure.

I don't have experience when it comes to dating so I can't say much, but there are people out there, cis and trans, that would be interested in having a romantic relationship with you. I've heard positive things about t4t (trans for trans) relationships, so maybe you could find trans spaces online and in real life and meet someone who can better idea of what you've struggled with and what you want for yourself in the future; who'll love you for who you are.

As for your parents...gonna be honest, I haven't told my parents, I'm really unsure, I honestly just want to get out of my house and start my own life.

But, I must say, it isn't your fault if your parents tried so hard to have a girl, because you can't change how you feel about yourself. They may have given birth to you but you are your own person, you're an individual capable of making your own decisions, with your own likes, dislikes, opinions, feelings and life experiences; they shouldn't view your transition as a betrayal, as a failure from their part, rather, they should see it as for your own well-being, your happiness, your future. Never blame yourself for it, you're just being your true self, you're doing what it's best for you in the long run.

Lastly, about work. I can't really say much because I've never held a job and it's something I worry about a lot, but you could look up what your job's opinion on LGBTQ+ rights is and what protections or benefits they can give you, especifically as a trans person. Job hiring is very hard for trans people as there still a lot of discrimination, but there may be laws where you live which defend trans people at work; or you could get in contact with an LGBTQ+ or trans rights organization that may be able to assist you finding work elsewhere.
​

---

Apologies if my post is really long, I just want to help another trans person during a difficult time, I hope most of what I say can help you; sorry if anything said was distressing or erroneous, I took a lot from my personal experience, though everyone's experience is different; also, while I've read a lot about trans issues, I'm still very inexperienced and there are many variables to these situations, so somethings may not apply to you. I also hope me talking a bit about my experience does not distract from your own issues and I'm sorry if I went overboard.

To conclude this post, I wanna say that you're not alone, we are here to support, you deserve to be heard and most importantly, you deserve to be you.

I'm someone who has opted to not be open with most people around me about my gender identity because of how I've been treated and my extreme paranoia, but let me tell you, it's extremely painful to be secretive about it, it's taken a big toll on my mental health and my daily life; I really hope you don't have to go through what I've gone through.

I wish you the best, good luck with whatever you decide to do. We'll be here to listen whenever you need to.

 

[Whole-Ad]

Hey guys thanks to all who have responded, you've all helped calm me down and I really appreciate how supportive you all have been.

I decided to come out to one of my online friends and have told them everything. They now know I am a girl and that I wish to be a boy. They were shocked at first and of course didn't believe me until we video called. After her initial shock, she was accepting and told me that everything will be fine and that she will be there to support me. It feels great to be able to talk to her about it as we have been friends for 3 years now. And not just that, I can be more open towards her and actually talk over the phone or video call which is amazing.

 

[Whole-Ad]

Little update for anyone who's interested:

I asked my boyfriend if he'd still love me if I was trans and he replied with 'You know where the door is'. I don't know what I'd do without him, but if I come out as trans, I lose him too. I now just see my future as once I get out of the psychiatric ward, I'm going to quit my job, come out as trans and then ctb. I know how to order SN as I've done it twice in the past. My biggest regret is not jumping when I had the chance.

 

[KydenHassin]

Little update for anyone who's interested:

I asked my boyfriend if he'd still love me if I was trans and he replied with 'You know where the door is'. I don't know what I'd do without him, but if I come out as trans, I lose him too. I now just see my future as once I get out of the psychiatric ward, I'm going to quit my job, come out as trans and then ctb. I know how to order SN as I've done it twice in the past. My biggest regret is not jumping when I had the chance.

I understand how you feel regarding the relationship side of things. I do have a friend who is currently undergoing MTF, one thing i will say is that they have managed to continue with sexual relationships and have manged to date happily, they have said that it can be hard at times but accepting who you are is the important thing. Do you think that if you were able to talk about being trans to your family and if they supported you with it all, could things possibly improve for you ?

 

[Whole-Ad]

I understand how you feel regarding the relationship side of things. I do have a friend who is currently undergoing MTF, one thing i will say is that they have managed to continue with sexual relationships and have manged to date happily, they have said that it can be hard at times but accepting who you are is the important thing. Do you think that if you were able to talk about being trans to your family and if they supported you with it all, could things possibly improve for you ?

I do think my family supporting me would help. But it's not just that, it's how the world views trans as well. I'd have to start fresh so people wouldn't know, get a new job, I'd probably lose friends and stuff.

 

[Rabhen]

I have always wanted to be a girl with a penis, always, was told I couldn't be because I am not an angel, only angels get to both. I recently found out that I was born with one descended testicle that was removed at birth because all my other parts are female, when I was nine the other labia swelled like it had something in it until I was brutally attacked and kicked, the lump went up inside and never came back down. I have not been genetically tested to know if I am a true hermaphrodite, but it has been implied my entire life that I am 'one of those disgusting freaks.' I do not care about being one of those freaks, I wish I really was, my clit gets VERY large upon stimulation but does not function like a regular penis, it does get hard enough to penetrate but it does not spurt, I spurt from my vagina. Surgery would prevent the penetration I can have now.
I personally like looking like a girl and being referred to with feminine pronouns, but I also want my little weenie to get bigger than it does, without having to get rid of my breasts, because I do like them.

About your voice dude, do you know how many guys I have heard with feminine voices?

Be who and what YOU are comfortable with. Frankly, I would much prefer anyone to be themselves around me. You are cool dude. It is ok you were born a girl and want to be a boy, be the best boy you can be, sounds like you already are.

As for deception.....Really? Stop worrying about deception. The ONLY reason I personally feel any trans person should reveal their transness is actual physical sports, yep, my opinion only but I do not think genetic males should NOT be competing against genetic females, period. As for us hermaphrodites, real or trans, the same, we should only compete against our own. NOW, I do find that there SHOULD be groups where all can compete against all, trans or not, men against women, trans against genetic unchanged, but I do not feel genetic males, despite the hormone therapy should NOT be competing against genetic females......YOU, however, sound like you are only competing in online gaming. Therefor these restrictions should not apply to you, and even if you were competing other than online, it is only MY opinion.

EVERYONE has the right to protect themselves and you never know who that other person is online, keeping yourself as who you are, without opening yourself up to interrogation and possible problems is only smart.

 

[KydenHassin]

I do think my family supporting me would help. But it's not just that, it's how the world views trans as well. I'd have to start fresh so people wouldn't know, get a new job, I'd probably lose friends and stuff.

It is a really hard world that we currently are in, however just because you now identify as a male, that does not change who you are to anyone, friends or family, you are still the same person at heart. Id be happy to provide you some articles showing that statistically the general UK population are actually more supportive than ever before. I fully know what you mean by the way the world views transgender people, i know first hand how hard it can be - My friend went through alot with her gender dysphoria, from losing friends and even family (More down to religious views though). However she is doing better and now currently waiting to start her HRT soon. i would suggest looking more into how the UK view trans people - simple google searches will give you loads of info. The transgender community is one of the kindest and loving communities you will ever come across. People fear more what they do not understand, epecially the older generations that were brought up differently.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Life can be really shitty. It puts you in a body that you don't belong to and watches you suffer. Life is a stupid existence that I think is never worth experiencing.

 

[BodaFly]

Trans girl here turning 22 in March. I burnt through all my savings trying to mend my relationship with family after coming out but they're just not having it. Lost my friends along the way and now I just feel more alone than ever before, they even took my hormones. I'm currently trying to scrounge up enough money to skip town and never look back, start fresh in another state but that's a pipe dream with how dry my bank account is right now. I should've done that from the very beginning none of this was worth it. Either way, I invariably look like a man, no use combating that. Already ordered my SN just in case, working on getting an anti-emetic now and I'll be all set to catch the bus. Maybe do some sight-seeing in my car before laying down, who knows. Might even find a new lease on life God willing.
I really tried. Lost weight, got a job, improved my looks and fashion-sense considerably, didn't even ask my family to use pronouns or a new name but apparently that's still too much to ask. A spit in the face would've been more respectful than being called unnatural after bearing the burden for my entire life. No more. No compromises. My way or the highway I'm done with this. Don't have a job anymore, dropped out of college, so maybe I'll do sex work for the hell of it.
What I get for being a good, quiet kid. Hilarious.

 

[yo_no_soy_el_pollo2]

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I'm a cis male so I don't know what it's like. But I have sometimes thought about what it would be like to be different, like a straight/gay woman, a gay man, or trans. I honestly think that being trans must be the hardest of all; the internal struggle of not feeling at home in your own body combined with the external struggle with those who are hateful. I'm not sure if I have any advice that would help you, but I think having a transfobic boyfriend is just going to make you feel worse. Even if he can't deal with you transitioning, his overall negative comments about trans people will almost certainly make you feel terrible about yourself.

I would definitely suggest finding some online trans support groups. I think you need to talk with other people who have gone through the same thing. Doing a google search lead me to many different ones, I'm hopeful that there is at least one out there that would help you.

 

[Soapie]

Hi!!! I'm transfemme and I've had to consider a lot of the same things you have right now, so I may as well share a bit of what helped for me. For me there are two things that are INCREDIBLY important in a situation like this. The first is that you are going to need to be your authentic self. I know it's incredibly daunting, but it's something that's gotta happen. HOWEVER, safety is equally as important. What i did in this situation was make a safety plan. You can do this in a Google doc or just write it down or whatever:

-first you'll unfortunately need to have a good idea of what you will be losing by coming out. This includes housing, relationships, any financial stuff, just write it all down.

-once you have a good idea of how your situation will change, you'll need to have a solid idea on how to deal with all of it safely before making any big changes. Keep in mind this will take some time!!! Start with your essentials first. Do you have somewhere else you can stay while you look for your own place? Do you need to find someplace immediately? If you can't afford it, you can look into subsidized housing in your area. Here in Calgary we have Scorce which connected me to a bunch of different housing places. Look into financial aid or work if you need income, and once you have all of that sorted out (which I know is a lot, take your time) you can sort out things with your boyfriend. It'll be hard but I really don't think it's good for you to stay with him no matter what. If he's not going to accept you at your happiest he's just not the one unfortunately. I can't reiterate enough that this will take time to figure out!!!! Take things one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and take the challenges as they come. If you can get a counselor or therapist to help you out that would of course be ideal, but I know that's not an option for everybody. If you have any other support systems like friends or family that you know will be there for you please reach out to them. Hell I'm sure there's a lot of people here that could help you out too!

I know ctb is sorta the simpler option here, but you really are in a fixable situation. I would hate for you to lose your life before you're able to truly find yourself. Please just show yourself some kindness, you've come so far already with this terrible pain following you. You've always been a man, even if you hide it forever that piece of you will always be there. Show that piece some love and care. Be gentle to yourself and take things nice and easy. If you need to talk about anything at all I'm always around!!! You got this man

 

[noaccount]

@Rabhen I'm sorry you were put through surgery and weren't told the truth about it. Absolutely there's nothing wrong with wanting to present as a woman while also being selective about how you might want to treat/change your own sex characteristics.
You might be able to connect with other intersex people and find respectful or affirming medical care at https://interconnect.support/, or https://interactadvocates.org/resources/intersex-organizations/.
Hopefully a respectful and competent doctor could help you explore things like what your current hormone levels are and what's going on with the remaining lump, just to figure out what's going on, without pressuring you towards necessarily "changing" anything.
(There are options like metoidioplasty, although that's usually done for people who've taken testosterone, people have discussed the possibility of doing it without testosterone.)

 

[libby]

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. If you think your family will support you then you need to speak to them.
You said you are sectioned. Can you not speak to someone there?
You sound quite confused about yourself. Just because you don't like feminine things like dresses make up etc and you liked to be a boy when playing doesn't necessarily mean you are tran. Lots of females are in touch with their male side and lots of males are in touch with the feminine side and they aren't trans.
There is nothing wrong with you dressing masculine. Your boyfriend must be ok with that you have been together for a while.
Do you want to trans and be with your boyfriend? You said you and your boyfriend had discussed kids, do you see yourself with a man and children in the future? Or do you want to trans and be with a girl? Are you attracted to men or women? Just trying to understand a bit and more about what you are feeling as I feel you may be a little lost at the moment and you are thinking ctb is the only answer. It isn't though.
Opening up and chatting about things might help. It might help you understand a bit more about yourself.

 

[Rabhen]

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. If you think your family will support you then you need to speak to them.
You said you are sectioned. Can you not speak to someone there?
You sound quite confused about yourself. Just because you don't like feminine things like dresses make up etc and you liked to be a boy when playing doesn't necessarily mean you are tran. Lots of females are in touch with their male side and lots of males are in touch with the feminine side and they aren't trans.
There is nothing wrong with you dressing masculine. Your boyfriend must be ok with that you have been together for a while.
Do you want to trans and be with your boyfriend? You said you and your boyfriend had discussed kids, do you see yourself with a man and children in the future? Or do you want to trans and be with a girl? Are you attracted to men or women? Just trying to understand a bit and more about what you are feeling as I feel you may be a little lost at the moment and you are thinking ctb is the only answer. It isn't though.
Opening up and chatting about things might help. It might help you understand a bit more about yourself.

great thinking matter here!

 

[libby]

great thinking matter here!

Thanks. Hope she finds herself whether that is trans or not

 

[Whole-Ad]

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. If you think your family will support you then you need to speak to them.
You said you are sectioned. Can you not speak to someone there?
You sound quite confused about yourself. Just because you don't like feminine things like dresses make up etc and you liked to be a boy when playing doesn't necessarily mean you are tran. Lots of females are in touch with their male side and lots of males are in touch with the feminine side and they aren't trans.
There is nothing wrong with you dressing masculine. Your boyfriend must be ok with that you have been together for a while.
Do you want to trans and be with your boyfriend? You said you and your boyfriend had discussed kids, do you see yourself with a man and children in the future? Or do you want to trans and be with a girl? Are you attracted to men or women? Just trying to understand a bit and more about what you are feeling as I feel you may be a little lost at the moment and you are thinking ctb is the only answer. It isn't though.
Opening up and chatting about things might help. It might help you understand a bit more about yourself.

I really want to tell my family I'm just not sure how to and am worried about their reaction.
I could talk to the nurses but I just don't think they would get it.
I know I'd rather be a boy, I always felt that. I always wanted my voice to drop, to have a penis etc.
My boyfriend is fine with me dressing like a tomboy, we have been together for just over a year. I'd like to stay with him if possible but I've already asked him how he feels about trans people and it was a very negative response. I'm honestly not sure what I'm attracted to. I always thought I liked men, but I'm beginning to think I just like them because that's how I want to be.