Toxic

[annxietty]

Another day, another pain I bring to everyone around me. Im broken and when I was younger I said to myself that the day I start to hurt people around me is the day I would end my life, turns out Im a coward that cant do it, I tried once, a very poor attempt, always too scared to try again... When I was a kid my parents would sometimes say they were proud that despite our poor family life my grades never went down, I was a good student, it didnt matter if I had to study listening to my parents screaming to each other and my mom crying in the kitchen, I always did very good in school and high school, it was like I had that one place where I could bring some sort of happiness to my parents and get compliments... I stopped studying and fell into the no working-no studying failure type of young adult, I dont remember the last time I felt proud about something, my parents are not proud and when they pretend they are it sounds fake, because it is... Today I made my mom cry, Im selfish, and a coward, I admire people that can be selfish and live with the consequences, Im selfish but too coward to do selfish things, afraid of the consequences it would bring to myself... I changed my environment, I improved, but Im broken... Im looking for a job, when I go to job interviews I put on a mask, "I love working with people" (god no) "I would love to study something related with helping people" (im actually more inclined on working in a mortuary lmao) Im still searching for a fucking job and until I dont find one I cant call myself "human", I have no money so I cant make decisions, I have no job so I cant say "no" to other people's requests, I have nothing so I cant talk with pride about anything... and when I find a job it will be one that sucks and will drain the little life I have, this sucks lol
I wish I could say sorry to everyone around me, I just cant love anyone truly, I love my mom but in a toxic way, I dont even love my nephew I fucking hate kids, im a monster, I wish I could say "I hate myself" and people could believe me and feel the hatred I feel for myself... im a monster im a monster im a monster im a monster im a monster im a monster... it feels good saying somewhere that I cant love anyone truly, since I will never say it outloud, it feels nice to be able to write this down and post it, I dont love anyone truly, I dont...

 

[errorsinmypast]

I'm sure you'll get a job soon and the distraction of working will get you out of your head and give you some relief from hating on yourself. When you start doing a good job, earning money, I imagine you'll feel a sense of pride and achievement and doing so will remind you that you ain't all so bad