Discussion Too much to live for

[restingplace]

I saw my therapist not too long ago. We're coming to the end of our work and its gotten me thinking a lot. I always go for suicide as an option first, I'm highly fascinated with death and since I was a young child have dreamed of dying by a tragic suicide. I'm not that immature now though, I just want a quiet peaceful death.


I've realised I have too much to live for. I have a small circle of truly amazing people in my life that I'm still shocked exist in this world honestly. I've reached a point where I've improved a lot as a person and am in a stable place in life, I have a mostly permanent home setting, but hopefully going to move up somewhere more creative, I've got amazing people around me, I have opportunities but most importantly is that I want to help others. I don't want my suffering to bring others down. This is a hot take on this site but before I go, if I decide to jump off this infamous bridge in my town, I'll make sure that the safety measures will be up and it will be harder for people like me to take their lives. This is not selfishness but rather Empathy. I've experienced suicides of friends and peers who were way too young to go. Their brains weren't physically developed enough to make a decision on whether to continue living life or not. I don't doubt the pain was awful, but so many situations like this can be helped by prevention and providing help. I want to help specifically young people who went through years of suicidality and depression like I did as a teen and child.

Recently at a party, my best friend was having a really rough time, she was crying and when I came to comfort her she told me about how she feels so deeply for my suicidality and how she'd understand if I chose to go. She said she felt like she was mourning me already, which is exactly what my other best friend said. I don't want to be mourned while alive. It's miserable. I do actually want to get better because I know as a person i have a lot of potential. I think that unfortunately, when I die, whatever the age it is, it will be by suicide. But till then I want to make a change and I think others should too.

The harsh truth is that most depressed and hopeless people (e.g the majority of this site) don't actually put in their own work to improve, as hard as it is, it's possible. And it doesn't require any physical work until later. You have to work with your brain, understand yourself and what you want out of life. Death will take you at the right time.


I know that I will always struggle with this, as I have for the majority of my life already, but atleast now I cope better and want to do something about it. Even if it ends up killing me, atleast I would've lived my life as well as I could.


Thoughts?

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Interesting post. Do you have reasons for wanting to die?

I also don't really put in the work to change even though I have a ton of potential. I think it's anxiety related.

I also don't openly talk to my friends too much about suicide, because it would scare and traumatize them. How do you feel about your friends mourning you already?

 

[HNR_]

The harsh truth is that most depressed and hopeless people (e.g the majority of this site) don't actually put in their own work to improve, as hard as it is, it's possible

Heavily disagree, what's that "majority" based on anyway, any numbers?

Regardless, "just put in the work lol" isn't the silver bullet you think it is, dozens of people who end up here, from what I've seen, do talk about how therapy did fuck all for them and how CTB is their last resort

 

[atre]

The harsh truth is that most depressed and hopeless people (e.g the majority of this site) don't actually put in their own work to improve

Some clinically depressed people with severe anhedonia and/or lack of motivation don't try their hardest to improve their lives? That's a shocker, thank you for the groundbreaking revelation.

This is a hot take on this site but before I go, if I decide to jump off this infamous bridge in my town, I'll make sure that the safety measures will be up and it will be harder for people like me to take their lives.

I'm sorry but this sentence sounds evil from my point of view.

Unless you SPECIFICALLY and ONLY mean teenagers, people below 17-18 with all the points you made in your essay, I strongly disagree.

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

I feel like it's not fair to assume people don't try their hardest to improve not everyone are in the same boat. While i do agree suicide shouldn't be done impulsively, it's a hard decision to make and there's no need to make it harder for people who've made up their mind

 

[monkeyfff]

You people and your Just World can shove it.

 

[Aflame5926]

The harsh truth is that most depressed and hopeless people (e.g the majority of this site) don't actually put in their own work to improve, as hard as it is, it's possible. And it doesn't require any physical work until later. You have to work with your brain, understand yourself and what you want out of life. Death will take you at the right time.

i agree and disagree with this. when you get older you stop caring for it a lot more.

the problem is with opportunities. you can create some of them and most is left into fate.
the trigger can be compleetly random train of thought or a small event that can turn things around.

but like a coin throwing head, it can also land on tails.
most people here are black or white. so im not gonna use the analog of a dice.

im happy for you you found your reason. but that doesnt mean everybody else can do the same.
are there people on here that shouldnt be on here? yes 100%.

but you can't possible think that everybody will archieve it. a lot of people already have ridiclous amount of treatment done.
some live in country where its even harder to just stay alife.
for me as example. i got part of the treatments but i lived with it for 30 years. so its not a "phase". i do say i have a right in saying that its ongoing for to long

your words are unfair to all saying "its a mindset". while for some that is indeed the harsh reality and that it is the solution but they just dont know it yet.

 

[restingplace]

If I didn't have any reasons do die I wouldn't be on this site.

I have so many reasons, many things from my past haunt me to this day, no amount of therapy can fix it. I know it's not fixable but atleast manageable. I have improved but no matter how much progress I make, I still resort to death as my only option. Even when I'm happy, I just despise the cycle of living because of how much pain it brings me. I'm also transgender, knowing I will never be born a man limits me in so many ways, I don't have a job or anything to fund my transition.



I think knowing that my friends already mourn me obviously hurts, but also calms me down a bit as I know that they've already kind of experienced grief so it won't hurt as much and hopefully the mourning process goes by quicker.

I appreciate your kindness and interest in my opinions
Fair, but it's all really subjective. If you asked me a year or two ago I would've said the same thing. But if you actually try to improve yourself as a person outside of therapy and save yourself ( if you continue to think you're hopeless and your only option is to ctb then you likely will) then there will be atleast some improvement.

That's not so say that the feeling of wanting to ctb will disappear because it definitely hasn't for me.
I myself am clinically depressed, have gone through periods where I haven't showered, left the house, eaten ect for months.

It just takes your thoughts, think why you're like this, how, and how to improve it
Yes, didn't make it clearer but obviously there are many different circumstances, people can and do try their hardest but on different levels.

as for the other point, I believe on a moral point that depressed and suicidal people need help and preventative measures, humans were not wired to be able to kill themselves. You can argue that keeping someone suffering alive is also immortal but that highly depends on the situation. I've seen some cases where it is the right thing to do, however I think that requires the opinion of more than one person. If you're in a state where you want to die, you're likely mentally unwell and therefore unable to make an informed decision.


Keep in mind, I have had friends who have committed suicide and I've seen how it's changed everything around them. It's selfish but a big reason why I'm suicidal is because I've gone through suicide. It's a lose lose situation for everyone
I am pro choice btw, just don't want to enable others, especially those who are good and important people to me, because I know the majority of those decisions to take their life would be impulsive.