Too cowardly to do it, but I need to go soon

[Monkeyman]

I have my SN since the beginning of this year. I should have taken it already but I've been too much of a coward to do it and be done with everything. Maybe it's because this time I'm certain it will work - I know the method well by now, I can take the necessary measures and it's unlikely it won't work. I've had three CTB attempts in the past but they were impulsive and uninformed, so perhaps this uncertainty made my subconscious SI feel "safer".

But now my situation's getting worse. I'm under risk of being homeless or at least with terrible living conditions. And it's not like I haven't tried - I've done countless job searches and gotten no result, and the closest I have to a chance at something is trying to apply for a Master's degree at a public university (over here you can get paid to study for that), but that won't come up until later in the year and I might not last that long.

Yet I still can't bring myself to just end it all already. How do you deal with this?

 

[umjammertranner]

it sounds like you have some soul-searching to do

when you know "this is finally it" then the question of "do i really want this?" will inevitably come up. only you can answer that question, don't let anyone else here convince you otherwise.

 

[thouxan]

Don't rush it. This is a massive decision, in fact it is the biggest and most important decision you will ever have to make in your life. Explore your mind very well. It is very normal to change your mind constantly. So take your time to really contemplate it and don't worry how long it will take to reach a decision. You already have your method available, so that is a massive weight off your shoulders. It is all in your hands, you have the control. Try your hardest not to give yourself a time limit until you are comfortable enough to go through with whatever decision you make. And I believe it will work out for you in the end. You are very lucky to have access to SN.

 

[Monkeyman]

it sounds like you have some soul-searching to do

when you know "this is finally it" then the question of "do i really want this?" will inevitably come up. only you can answer that question, don't let anyone else here convince you otherwise.

I think it's more a matter of survival instinct coming up. I know that I want this, but I keep holding myself back from getting up and doing it already. That's why I'm asking if there's any way to deal better with that.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least having a reliable method means you have the option to just leave for when the time is right, and I just think that after all only the individual knows when that is. But of course suicide isn't straightforward and I understand that it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here.