Too anxious to work, too ugly for women

[Wayfaerer]

I am 27 and never had a girlfriend. And I decided to never have because I'm going to ctb. Maybe this makes you feel better.

Same. I regret all that moping and dicking around I did during all that time. If I could go back with what I know now I'd put my time to much better use. My life had begun at the very end of 25 and then came to a crash and burn only a few months later. I realized how much I couldn't see all the good things I had and it eats me up inside all day every day. It's a very, very shitty feeling.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I find that I crave a relationship or a friendship but always find that I hate being around people. Weird

Same.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Ever get that hooker?

I had, been with her a couple times so far. When I was 27 I had decided on CTB pretty much instantly. I went through several phases from then to now. I thought "I either pay for a hooker or die a virgin" so the choice was clear to me. It was disappointing as fuck but still I don't regret it.

I'm not ugly, I've just been an isolated, mental trainwreck for half my life and the other half was before puberty. This is what divorced parents early in life, primary caretaker is mentally ill, frequent mobility growing up and moving to where you are a minority and HOMESCHOOLING does to people.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Same. I regret all that moping and dicking around I did during all that time. If I could go back with what I know now I'd put my time to much better use. My life had begun at the very end of 25 and then came to a crash and burn only a few months later. I realized how much I couldn't see all the good things I had and it eats me up inside all day every day. It's a very, very shitty feeling.

It's sad to know how many things you've lost because of wrong decisions. I have that feeling everyday too and I can't do anything to reverse. It sucks.

 

[Wayfaerer]

It's sad to know how many things you've lost because of wrong decisions. I have that feeling everyday too and I can't do anything to reverse. It sucks.

I was not expecting to kill myself in my 20's. If I had known that this was going to happen ahead of time then things would be very different.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I had, been with her a couple times so far. When I was 27 I had decided on CTB pretty much instantly. I went through several phases from then to now. I thought "I either pay for a hooker or die a virgin" so the choice was clear to me. It was disappointing as fuck but still I don't regret it.

I'm not ugly, I've just been an isolated, mental trainwreck for half my life and the other half was before puberty. This is what divorced parents early in life, primary caretaker is mentally ill, frequent mobility growing up and moving to where you are a minority and HOMESCHOOLING does to people.

Really sorry you had to through all of that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Really sorry you had to through all of that.

Thank you. When I turned 18 I thought I was on my way to overcoming it all but no, that's when the REAL nightmare began...

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Thank you. When I turned 18 I thought I was on my way to overcoming it all but no, that's when the REAL nightmare began...

I know it is no consolation, but at least your experiences have made you see the world more realistically than others, who live insulated lives do; if you know what I mean. High price to pay for gaining insight, though. I hope that things will look up for you.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I know it is no consolation, but at least your experiences have made you see the world more realistically than others, who live insulated lives do; if you know what I mean. High price to pay for gaining insight, though. I hope that things will look up for you.

If they do then it's going to have to be in another life because I am going to be dead dead DEAD in about 5-6 weeks. I have not known true fear until I became suicidal. I had experienced several things just within the past 2 years that I would never ever want to experience again. My only wish is that death is the end. A permanent and irrevocable end to all existence forever and ever.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

If they do then it's going to have to be in another life because I am going to be dead dead DEAD in about 5-6 weeks. I have not known true fear until I became suicidal. I had experienced several things just within the past 2 years that I would never ever want to experience again. My only wish is that death is the end. A permanent and irrevocable end to all existence forever and ever.

I am very sorry to hear your past 2 years have been so terrible. What is your most pressing concern/main reason for wanting to die at the moment?

 

[Wayfaerer]

I am very sorry to hear your past 2 years have been so terrible. What is your most pressing concern/main reason for wanting to die at the moment?

Right now it's for several reasons but when this all started it began as a result of chronic illness. I'd rather not elaborate beyond that. Needless to say, I went into a state of shock and I began to understand the phrase "to regret one's birth."

I wasted far too many years being an idealist, and now it's ending with nothing to show for it. Perhaps that's my greatest regret of all?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Right now it's for several reasons but when this all started it began as a result of chronic illness. I'd rather not elaborate beyond that. Needless to say, I went into a state of shock and I began to understand the phrase "to regret one's birth."

I wasted far too many years being an idealist, and now it's ending with nothing to show for it. Perhaps that's my greatest regret of all?

Are there any things you could do during your remaining time on this planet that would make you feel at peace, like you accomplished something?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Are there any things you could do during your remaining time on this planet that would make you feel at peace, like you accomplished something?

Realistically? No. I only have 1.5 months left and I wouldn't even have the energy to do it as I am extremely depressed. I almost attained my degree by a hair but suicidal depression ruined that. It's over. The best that I can plan on is seeing my escort a couple more times.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Realistically? No. I only have 1.5 months left and I wouldn't even have the energy to do it as I am extremely depressed. I almost attained my degree by a hair but suicidal depression ruined that. It's over. The best that I can plan on is seeing my escort a couple more times.

Why did you set the date in 1.5 months? Is something terrible about to happen then?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Why did you set the date in 1.5 months? Is something terrible about to happen then?

It's when my grades come back (which will be all F's.) I've done nothing this entire semester and was just attending to collect a paycheck like the last two times. It's going to be really over for me then and if I were to try to extend my life past that point it's going to be a lot of risk. The pandemic has given me a lot of cover and if it had not happened when it did I would've died back in spring 2020* or definitely no later than the summer.

It's sad because I cared a lot about school and what I was learning. It would serve me no purpose to get my diploma anyway now.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

It's when my grades come back (which will be all F's.) I've done nothing this entire semester and was just attending to collect a paycheck like the last two times. It's going to be really over for me then and if I were to try to extend my life past that point it's going to be a lot of risk. The pandemic has given me a lot of cover and if it had not happened when it did I would've died back in spring 2019 or definitely no later than the summer.

It's sad because I cared a lot about school and what I was learning. It would serve me no purpose to get my diploma anyway now.

Couldn't you just start studying now and try to get D's at least in some courses?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Couldn't you just start studying now and try to get D's at least in some courses?

No it's way too late for that. Besides, D's aren't much better and by this point it wouldn't do me any good because these past 4 semesters have turned my GPA into a bad joke.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

No it's way too late for that. Besides, D's aren't much better and by this point it wouldn't do me any good because these past 4 semesters have turned my GPA into a bad joke.

So your income depends on your college enrollment (you mentioned a paycheck), or am I misunderstanding things?

 

[ZardozOmega]

this is so me

 

[Drowning fish]

There is also a difference between ugly and normal. Even men do not respect and tolerate an ugly man with a feminized face. Women choose normal man ones if they see that he is accepted in company, has friends. The ugly person is rejected not only by women but by society in general.

Just my biased opinion as a woman with personal tastes too but Feminine faced boy >>>> everyone else.
Old comment but I just had to say it.

 

[TheSoundofTime]

These are two of my depression's favourite 'themes'. They're on me heavy today. Sometimes I have a good string of days and then they come to an end.

Pass the salt would ya?

Haha

Don't want to pass salt on you just kind suggestion - pull your shit together and go to work. Nothing demeaning but if you can do at least that , you might do all

 

[Wayfaerer]

Don't want to pass salt on you just kind suggestion - pull your shit together and go to work. Nothing demeaning but if you can do at least that , you might do all

If I honestly thought my situation was salvageable I never would've made an account here.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Don't want to pass salt on you just kind suggestion - pull your shit together and go to work. Nothing demeaning but if you can do at least that , you might do all

You don't work for the NHS do you?!

 

[MrBlue]

You don't work for the NHS do you?!

"Go get a job" has been my entire treatment plan with the NHS lol

 

[TheSoundofTime]

You don't work for the NHS do you?!

No lol i Hate nhs