Venting too addicted to suicide to function

[chiikawalover616]

my family found out about my self harm and suicidal ideation a few days ago. they made me start seeing a therapist and started me on a lot of medication that keeps me sedated most of the day honestly. i've been guilted to hell and back about how they'd feel if i died which makes me feel so much worse.

But I'll get to the point : my mom basically offered to help cut me off from my abusive dad because me staying alive is more important to her than that. but the idea of it really scares me. i feel like i've been building up to my suicide date for months. i don't know how to exist without being suicidal. i feel even if every problem in the world was solved for me, being suicidal has become hardwired in my body. i can't exist without wanting to die on that date (31st July). even now, i want to die more than anything but i feel really invalid about dying anymore. it's like the ENTIRE reason i wanted to die. but i don't want to have hope. it always gets promised to me and taken away from me just as quickly. im done getting my hopes up. but at the same time i feel like im just using this as a cope to stay comfortable with the idea of committing. things can get better for me, i just don't want them to

the truth is im just addicted to this feeling. i itch to die more than anything, and theres no more reason as to why im suicidal except my brain is just hardwired in this way. what the fuck do i even do. everything keeps getting presented to me on a silver platter but i refuse everything. i'll continue to refuse anything. someone please tell me im not wrong for this. i feel like im going crazy

 

[meowpuppy]

don't you think it could be a good option to consider severing ties with your dad? or, i guess more accurately, an option that you'd be willing to take?

 

[SASU-KE]

It's all I can think about. Life is good. I'm trying hard to recover and do better. But all through it I'm just wishing it ended constantly cause I just don't enjoy it anymore.

 

[gattara]

i want to say that im sorry youre experiencing this, i have similar feelings but mine are focused on how much i want my life to fail, how much i want to suffer, etc. i call it my emotional masochism. it's a great comfort to me, and i find it extremely hard to change how i think about it. it also feels hardwired in my brain, and ive been doing it since i was a young child.
i will say you sound on the younger side, and that as i've gotten older ive been able to shift more away from this mode of thinking, even though it's incredibly hard. im sorry your family is making you feel guilty. im sorry you've been put on such sedating medication. it sounds incredibly hard.

 

[chiikawalover616]

don't you think it could be a good option to consider severing ties with your dad? or, i guess more accurately, an option that you'd be willing to take?

yeah it would be. i mean theoretically whats wrong with trying it out. i get to transition in peace and whatever. but like im somehow so dead set on the date that im not even willing to move it by a single day. i dont know why im so dead set (pun intended) on like dying at any cost. it feels like im hardwired to want to die even in a utopia

 

[meowpuppy]

yeah it would be. i mean theoretically whats wrong with trying it out. i get to transition in peace and whatever. but like im somehow so dead set on the date that im not even willing to move it by a single day. i dont know why im so dead set (pun intended) on like dying at any cost. it feels like im hardwired to want to die even in a utopia

about that, i don't think you're doing anything wrong by, i don't even really know, wanting to die while good things are happening to you? the only thing you mentioned was that one offer, and you never really outlined the specifics, or it's about the film.. so i don't think that you're being presented everything on a silver platter.. i don't ever really like judging people on whether or not their suicidal ideation is "right" or "wrong" because it feels really insensitive to me but i don't think that in your case it would be wrong..

 

[chiikawalover616]

about that, i don't think you're doing anything wrong by, i don't even really know, wanting to die while good things are happening to you? the only thing you mentioned was that one offer, and you never really outlined the specifics, or it's about the film.. so i don't think that you're being presented everything on a silver platter.. i don't ever really like judging people on whether or not their suicidal ideation is "right" or "wrong" because it feels really insensitive to me but i don't think that in your case it would be wrong..

the offer didn't end up happening… the only thing right now is that people really really keep saying "oh we will support you for your next project" and i have like 35k subscribers now eager to see more films by me. so not like id have a complete flop of a career if i tried. and now my mom has kind of offered to cut off my dad for me. that's like, i get to basically not be abused again, get sex reassignment surgery, change my name, whatever.

somehow i just don't want to believe it. it's so like the world to offer me hope right whenever i think about contemplating. and after i call my plans off i realise reality ends up never convincing me to keep being here. im sick of this cycle of ups and downs. i feel like i have contempt for living itself. you could put me in a fucking utopia at this point and it wouldn't undo my wish to die because being a breathing organism that is forced to even put in effort to survive is deplorable

and at the same time like im writing my suicide note and im thinking "what do i even write. i have literally no reason to die other than I Wanna Because Yes" and it makes me feel so invalid

 

[meowpuppy]

the offer didn't end up happening… the only thing right now is that people really really keep saying "oh we will support you for your next project" and i have like 35k subscribers now eager to see more films by me. so not like id have a complete flop of a career if i tried. and now my mom has kind of offered to cut off my dad for me. that's like, i get to basically not be abused again, get sex reassignment surgery, change my name, whatever.

somehow i just don't want to believe it. it's so like the world to offer me hope right whenever i think about contemplating. and after i call my plans off i realise reality ends up never convincing me to keep being here. im sick of this cycle of ups and downs. i feel like i have contempt for living itself. you could put me in a fucking utopia at this point and it wouldn't undo my wish to die because being a breathing organism that is forced to even put in effort to survive is deplorable

relatable..

mom would accept me living as a girl if i wanted to, maybe, hypothetically. dad's already literally paralyzed so who the fuck cares about him but i've given up because everything bad has already happened, and there's no amount of good that can offset everything.

 

[hughmun9]

You don't have to justify your reasons for wanting to die to anyone but to yourself. If in your heart it feels like the right choice then everyone else's thoughts are noise.

 

[never mind me]

If you don't want to change your ctb plan, you don't have to. But if you feel like your life could improve with the support you are offered, it might be worth to try it. You could for example just postpone your ctb date and still keep the means to ctb later, if you decide to do so.

 

[Cyaneed]

I am really hardwired to think about ctb too. It's hard to quit thinking about suicide, but at the same time I could not function as well as I do If I didn't. It's like if I fall, the acceptance of falling makes me not care and feel numb which is just fine.

 

[mutsu]

the truth is im just addicted to this feeling. i itch to die more than anything, and theres no more reason as to why im suicidal except my brain is just hardwired in this way. what the fuck do i even do. everything keeps getting presented to me on a silver platter but i refuse everything. i'll continue to refuse anything. someone please tell me im not wrong for this. i feel like im going crazy

i feel you so hard on this as someone who has also been suicidal for roughly the same amount of time, i feel like it is incredibly difficult to live when all you've wanted to do is die for so long

i don't think you're particularly crazy or anything for thinking this way, i mean for us who have been suicidal for almost if not over half our lives its almost impossible to not always strive for death as a means to an end, after all it is all we had ever known for a long, long time

i feel the same way,,, i have gotten to a point in my life that i never thought i would've. my games have made many people happy and i have jobs that I can probably realistically be happy working for,, but something within me just wants to and has wanted to die for so long that i just feel that i'm hardwired to feel this way

i guess i am also addicted to suicide, i feel like trying to get better is a futile attempt at recovery marred by the eventual, guarenteed relapse i will have