muffin222
Enlightened
- Mar 31, 2020
- 1,187
Hi everyone. After 13 years of suicidal thoughts and almost a year of serious contemplation, I've decided to end my life tonight using SN.
I know the site is fairly quiet at night, so I don't expect a ton of traction in this thread tonight. But, I wanted to leave a proper goodbye. This will be a long post, just a warning in case you don't wanna read it all
I've wavered back and forth about posting a goodbye thread, but I've decided to go ahead and do so because this site has carried me through many agonizing nights. You all have made me feel less alone, despite how little I've interacted with other here members on a personal level. I'm just very shy and socially awkward.
I feel calm and even a little excited at the thought of no longer existing. However, I also feel hungry as fuck due to the fasting
But, the hunger is a miniscule price to pay for freedom from my pain.
I've grown tired of the struggle, of the rollercoaster, of the endless highs and lows, of waking up feeling good and then without warning being triggered back into suicidal despair. It's been a consistent cycle for so long that I see no reason to believe that it will suddenly change. I've tried recovery 3 times in the past year, and the road just leads me right back to suffering again and again. I feel like I'm just spinning around in circles at this point.
I'm autistic, suffer from complex PTSD due to childhood trauma, and grapple with depression on a daily basis. Even one of those ailments is enough to take a person down; all 3 co-existing is nightmarish.
I believe in life plans and reincarnation. My life, as it is, is not wrong, per se. Viewed from a higher cosmic perspective, all is as it should be in my life at this time.
Even from a purely scientific point of view, my reactions, actions, and degree of mental/emotional suffering align with the reality of autism, of repeated traumas, of my natural inborn temperament, and of early childhood abuse. Viewed in this light, my life is as it should be, as one would expect it to be given the turmoil of my dysfunctional upbringing, interwoven with the confusion and loneliness inherent in navigating this neurotypical world as an Aspie.
My life is not wrong; I am simply too tired to bear the anguish and sorrow that living as myself entails longer. I know I'm not weak- I've just had to be strong for far too long, and that tiring road has weakened my spirit.
I don't begrudge anyone for my current state of being, not even my abusive parents. This is just what it is. It makes sense that I feel as I do, given my history and my genetic make up.
I simply cannot walk another step of my path without succumbing to the pain. I'm tired. I've experienced a fascinating run on Earth despite my problems. I traversed many paths, travelled to many countries where I intermingled with unique and complex souls from all walks and shades of life, and shared beautiful moments in magnificent places, before the walls came crashing down around me.
I regret nothing, only that I cannot muster the inner strength, conviction, or courage to press onwards any longer. I'm sorry to the people I will hurt with my actions. Though I'm very broken inside, I do know that I am loved. The worst part of this is knowing how much hurt I'll be leaving in my wake for the people who love me.
I've always been an ambitious girl, a go-getter, a dreamer- idealistic, really. I disregard the damage and the limitations it imposes. I push forward anyway, brimming with a stubborn, naive hope, determined to reach the mountaintop at last THIS time around, my illnesses be damned.
I press ahead every time, only to be slammed head first into the invisible walls of my psychological, emotional, and mental damage again. Each sobering encounter with my painful reality weakens me, extinguishes another ember of my hope, dismantles my resolve, and poisons my will to fight.
Then, one fateful day, I woke up and realized I was simply too tired to fight. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted the fight to be over. I just wanted it all to finally come to an end. I want it to be over.
------------------
Anyway, if you read all of that, I sincerely appreciate you! I could ramble on into eternity, as I'm very verbose by nature, but I believe I've adequately stated all I desired to say in this post. SS family, thank you. I hope you all find the pathway that leads you to the right outcome for you and your unique situation, whatever that may entail.
I love you all, even if I don't know you ❤ You are strong, and you are a fighter. I truly hope that your journey does not lead you to the same destination as mine and that the clouds begin to part for you soon to make way for brighter days and happier times. If, however, happier days fail to come, I know I will see you on other side ❤
I wanted to post my experience/symptoms after drinking the SN for educational purposes, but the idea of doing that just sounds too stressful for me. I need to go in solitude, as solitude is my soul's true nature.
I won't be taking the SN until later in the night (around 2-3 AM) since I live with family, and I'm still in the process of finishing the prerequisite fasting.
But, I'm certain I will kill myself tonight. It feels right, even though it hurts my heart to imagine the pain my death will inflict on other people. There's just no way to lessen the blow for other people. It's been a long time coming, too.
---Lastly, mods, is is possible for my name to be crossed out instead converted into "Deleted user 2439058935789"? I don't know if that's possible with the current configuration of the site, but if it is, I'd love to just be crossed out. I find the Deleted user thing kind of sad and impersonal, though I understand the purpose is to protect old users and their posts from being scoured. Thank you :)
Also, mods please don't ban me for 24 hours. I do live with other people, so I could theoretically be found, but I highly, highly doubt that will happen. If, for whatever reason, I am discovered, I will come back and update.
In the meantime, I'll be doing some last minute cleaning and decluttering, in addition to writing some notes. I might post right after I drink the SN to report how it tastes and feels, but I'm not sure.
Thank you for reading and for sharing this space with me the past year❤ I wish you well
I know the site is fairly quiet at night, so I don't expect a ton of traction in this thread tonight. But, I wanted to leave a proper goodbye. This will be a long post, just a warning in case you don't wanna read it all
I've wavered back and forth about posting a goodbye thread, but I've decided to go ahead and do so because this site has carried me through many agonizing nights. You all have made me feel less alone, despite how little I've interacted with other here members on a personal level. I'm just very shy and socially awkward.
I feel calm and even a little excited at the thought of no longer existing. However, I also feel hungry as fuck due to the fasting
But, the hunger is a miniscule price to pay for freedom from my pain.
I've grown tired of the struggle, of the rollercoaster, of the endless highs and lows, of waking up feeling good and then without warning being triggered back into suicidal despair. It's been a consistent cycle for so long that I see no reason to believe that it will suddenly change. I've tried recovery 3 times in the past year, and the road just leads me right back to suffering again and again. I feel like I'm just spinning around in circles at this point.
I'm autistic, suffer from complex PTSD due to childhood trauma, and grapple with depression on a daily basis. Even one of those ailments is enough to take a person down; all 3 co-existing is nightmarish.
I believe in life plans and reincarnation. My life, as it is, is not wrong, per se. Viewed from a higher cosmic perspective, all is as it should be in my life at this time.
Even from a purely scientific point of view, my reactions, actions, and degree of mental/emotional suffering align with the reality of autism, of repeated traumas, of my natural inborn temperament, and of early childhood abuse. Viewed in this light, my life is as it should be, as one would expect it to be given the turmoil of my dysfunctional upbringing, interwoven with the confusion and loneliness inherent in navigating this neurotypical world as an Aspie.
My life is not wrong; I am simply too tired to bear the anguish and sorrow that living as myself entails longer. I know I'm not weak- I've just had to be strong for far too long, and that tiring road has weakened my spirit.
I don't begrudge anyone for my current state of being, not even my abusive parents. This is just what it is. It makes sense that I feel as I do, given my history and my genetic make up.
I simply cannot walk another step of my path without succumbing to the pain. I'm tired. I've experienced a fascinating run on Earth despite my problems. I traversed many paths, travelled to many countries where I intermingled with unique and complex souls from all walks and shades of life, and shared beautiful moments in magnificent places, before the walls came crashing down around me.
I regret nothing, only that I cannot muster the inner strength, conviction, or courage to press onwards any longer. I'm sorry to the people I will hurt with my actions. Though I'm very broken inside, I do know that I am loved. The worst part of this is knowing how much hurt I'll be leaving in my wake for the people who love me.
I've always been an ambitious girl, a go-getter, a dreamer- idealistic, really. I disregard the damage and the limitations it imposes. I push forward anyway, brimming with a stubborn, naive hope, determined to reach the mountaintop at last THIS time around, my illnesses be damned.
I press ahead every time, only to be slammed head first into the invisible walls of my psychological, emotional, and mental damage again. Each sobering encounter with my painful reality weakens me, extinguishes another ember of my hope, dismantles my resolve, and poisons my will to fight.
Then, one fateful day, I woke up and realized I was simply too tired to fight. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted the fight to be over. I just wanted it all to finally come to an end. I want it to be over.
------------------
Anyway, if you read all of that, I sincerely appreciate you! I could ramble on into eternity, as I'm very verbose by nature, but I believe I've adequately stated all I desired to say in this post. SS family, thank you. I hope you all find the pathway that leads you to the right outcome for you and your unique situation, whatever that may entail.
I love you all, even if I don't know you ❤ You are strong, and you are a fighter. I truly hope that your journey does not lead you to the same destination as mine and that the clouds begin to part for you soon to make way for brighter days and happier times. If, however, happier days fail to come, I know I will see you on other side ❤
I wanted to post my experience/symptoms after drinking the SN for educational purposes, but the idea of doing that just sounds too stressful for me. I need to go in solitude, as solitude is my soul's true nature.
I won't be taking the SN until later in the night (around 2-3 AM) since I live with family, and I'm still in the process of finishing the prerequisite fasting.
But, I'm certain I will kill myself tonight. It feels right, even though it hurts my heart to imagine the pain my death will inflict on other people. There's just no way to lessen the blow for other people. It's been a long time coming, too.
---Lastly, mods, is is possible for my name to be crossed out instead converted into "Deleted user 2439058935789"? I don't know if that's possible with the current configuration of the site, but if it is, I'd love to just be crossed out. I find the Deleted user thing kind of sad and impersonal, though I understand the purpose is to protect old users and their posts from being scoured. Thank you :)
Also, mods please don't ban me for 24 hours. I do live with other people, so I could theoretically be found, but I highly, highly doubt that will happen. If, for whatever reason, I am discovered, I will come back and update.
In the meantime, I'll be doing some last minute cleaning and decluttering, in addition to writing some notes. I might post right after I drink the SN to report how it tastes and feels, but I'm not sure.
Thank you for reading and for sharing this space with me the past year❤ I wish you well
