Tonight, I eat my last meal. Tomorrow, I stop eating. (VSED)

[LastLoveLetter]

Having weighed up my options, I have chosen to attempt VSED. If I succeed in acquiring a new supply of SN in the interim, I will switch over to that method (and will have already fasted ahead of time, so less preparation will be required in that case).

I have experience with not eating for long periods of time, both voluntarily and involuntarily (historic abuse and neglect).

Intermittent fasting is something I was doing quite regularly up until recently, including prolonged fasts. Quite often, fatigue and gastrointestinal issues made food consumption challenging to begin with.

As a result, I initially intend to first stop eating and essentially water fast for a time (which I am already familiar with), and then cease all water intake as well.

I am aware this will be a slow, highly uncomfortable and very difficult process, and have made the informed decision to attempt this method despite that. I have nothing to lose in trying and if I am able to acquire alternative means, I can simply change methods part way through.

I'm no stranger to physical pain and hope with any luck, my already poor health will perhaps accelerate the process.

Due to IBS, I usually avoid certain foods but this evening, I'm treating myself to a final slice of my favourite cake before fasting begins.

Having somewhere to talk and share my progress, along with difficulties, will help. I plan to post updates here as the fast progresses.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I wish you the best of luck and that you find peace irrespective of what happens in the future

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you both.

I've just finished my last bit of food so have begun water fasting now.

 

[Kurai]

Hope you find peace

 

[Brokensaddle]

You're one of kindest members
Sad to see you go but I understand your pain. If there's anything I can do or you just wanna vent, I'll try my best to be there for you. Wishing you nothing but peace

 

[Raven2]

I wish you luck on your journey. Keep us posted I will be interested to see how you find this method.

 

[Dliena]

I wish you peace eternal and farewell from this reality.

 

[trashhologram]

What does VSED stand for?

 

[Raven2]

What does VSED stand for?

Voluntarily stopping eating and drinking

 

[trashhologram]

Voluntarily stopping eating and drinking

Ok, thanks.

 

[turbomightbegone]

What does VSED stand for?

VSED stands for voluntarily stop eating and drinking, I believe. basically fasting/starving yourself.

Having weighed up my options, I have chosen to attempt VSED. If I succeed in acquiring a new supply of SN in the interim, I will switch over to that method (and will have already fasted ahead of time, so less preparation will be required in that case).

I have experience with not eating for long periods of time, both voluntarily and involuntarily (historic abuse and neglect).

Intermittent fasting is something I was doing quite regularly up until recently, including prolonged fasts. Quite often, fatigue and gastrointestinal issues made food consumption challenging to begin with.

As a result, I initially intend to first stop eating and essentially water fast for a time (which I am already familiar with), and then cease all water intake as well.

I am aware this will be a slow, highly uncomfortable and very difficult process, and have made the informed decision to attempt this method despite that. I have nothing to lose in trying and if I am able to acquire alternative means, I can simply change methods part way through.

I'm no stranger to physical pain and hope with any luck, my already poor health will perhaps accelerate the process.

Due to IBS, I usually avoid certain foods but this evening, I'm treating myself to a final slice of my favourite cake before fasting begins.

Having somewhere to talk and share my progress, along with difficulties, will help. I plan to post updates here as the fast progresses.

goodluck lastlovelette,, I hope you finally find peace. <3

 

[PoorYorick]

Has anyone succeeded using these method? I read it's most painful of all. Probably possible only with strong pain killers. With water intake it's less painful they say, but of course much longer. Anyway, great respect for trying this!

 

[dizzdesi]

I hope that everything goes well for you, and that you will not be in any pain. xx best wishes to you

 

[lebrodude]

Good luck.
Hopefully you have the willpower to see this through, my personal love of food would make this a no go for me, I'd crack for sure.

All the best.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

You're one of kindest members
Sad to see you go but I understand your pain. If there's anything I can do or you just wanna vent, I'll try my best to be there for you. Wishing you nothing but peace

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I am glad to have met you, just unfortunate it's under these circumstances.

---

Thank you all for the kind wishes.

---

I will treat this as a journal of sorts, to share how I'm doing and document how it goes.

Day 1

(no food, still drinking water)

12 hours (almost): For the moment, this is basically just a regular fast and I feel fine. My reasoning for this is that personally, I think abruptly cutting out all food and fluid increases the likelihood of the method being unsuccessful. I also suspect that it's thirst that will be a struggle for me, not hunger.

Water fasting is something I'm experienced with and accustomed to, so starting this as a regular fast will not only prevent my survival instinct from kicking in, but also make the process less uncomfortable and sudden.

A second incentive to prolong the process is the fact there's a new supply of SN on the way, but this could take a little time to arrive and there's no guarantee it will (due to customs). If it does manage to get through, I will switch method. If it doesn't, I will continue with VSED. By that time, I'll have been without food for at least a week and can begin the process of reducing water intake.

This post will be updated later in the day after 24 hours have elapsed, if needed.

 

[rozeske]

This community is going to be sad to see you go as you have been one of the kindest long time members, but i wish you luck in your plan dear. It's very thoughtful of you to document your progress here. This thread is going to be helpful as there are alot of others interested in this method. I hope it will be as painless and as comfortable as possible for you and I hope you can find your peace

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Final update. I'm still going ahead with this but going to do it privately.

I've realised, I'm posting here to alleviate a crippling sense of isolation but really, I'm still alone and perhaps that's simply how it's supposed to be. Right until the very end.

I've been unwanted my entire life, from before I was even born. And nothing has changed.

Goodness knows why I've stayed for so long. I've been abused and abandoned since I was an infant - life has repeatedly made it crystal clear that my existence was an error. This was never meant to happen. I was never supposed to be here. And the fact it's taken me this long to correct that mistake - despite years of abuse and illness and pain - is just...sad. Should've taken myself out years ago.

There are people here who have been kind, supportive and sweet. I'm not worthy of it, but thank you. I do appreciate it, genuinely. And I'm sorry for everyone else who suffers too.

There's just no place I belong, because I was never meant to live.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish you all the best and may you find peace & freedom! Good luck!

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Farewell! Wishing you the best and hope you find peace

 

[rozeske]

Final update. I'm still going ahead with this but going to do it privately.

I've realised, I'm posting here to alleviate a crippling sense of isolation but really, I'm still alone and perhaps that's simply how it's supposed to be. Right until the very end.

I've been unwanted my entire life, from before I was even born. And nothing has changed.

Goodness knows why I've stayed for so long. I've been abused and abandoned since I was an infant - life has repeatedly made it crystal clear that my existence was an error. This was never meant to happen. I was never supposed to be here. And the fact it's taken me this long to correct that mistake - despite years of abuse and illness and pain - is just...sad. Should've taken myself out years ago.

There are people here who have been kind, supportive and sweet. I'm not worthy of it, but thank you. I do appreciate it, genuinely. And I'm sorry for everyone else who suffers too.

There's just no place I belong, because I was never meant to live.

Whatever you decide on know that it is respected and we are here for you until the end. It's sad the way this world makes us feel. Wish you all the best. Keeping you in my thoughts

 

[PoorYorick]

Final update. I'm still going ahead with this but going to do it privately.

I regret you made such a decision. It would be a fascinating lecture.

There are people here who have been kind, supportive and sweet. I'm not worthy of it, but thank you.

How about being generous now and giving many people the satisfaction of reading your story?

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I think what I craved was connection before I go. Genuine connection. That's hard to come by anywhere when you're isolated, the internet included. And it's too late for that.

I don't want my personal story to satisfy the curiosity of strangers or be a source of entertainment. Because it's not. It's my life and it's traumatic and it's a nightmare to retell. Some people are as empathetic as they can be, others are insensitive (or rather, desensitised might be a better way of putting it), others prefer to pretend it just doesn't exist. I'm not judging any of those responses - everyone has their own shit going on and is suffering themselves. However, the latter is very reflective of real life for me, where my experiences have been brushed under the rug repeatedly.

I don't want my final thread to become some fascinating piece of research either for people who find VSED interesting. Because it isn't. I'm a real person behind the screen who is going to die, and I'm sad and terrified.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief from writing again, but I don't. It only dredges up pain that need not be rehashed and relived. With that in mind, perhaps the best thing I can do is pass away in privacy and peace (at least, as much peace as possible considering the desperate circumstances).

 

[rozeske]

I regret you made such a decision. It would be a fascinating lecture.



How about being generous now and giving many people the satisfaction of reading your story?

What the hell is the matter with you? If you are looking to draw fascination and satisfaction from people's vulnerable last moment threads you are so in the wrong place. @LastLoveLetter I really am sorry you even had to see this. Again your wishes are very much respected. The only thing that matters is what gives you comfort.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Hi I just wanted to say, that I find you to be a tremendous source of inspiration—& that you have inspired me in numerous ways. For yours was the first time I'd felt I could find someone who'd understood better/or best, what it is I've been going through. I've never met somebody like that, and needless to say, most people don't get it! I found your insights profound and enlightening as well. So I can only wish you all the best of success with your future plans ahead. I know that whenever I have gone on fasts of that length or duration, there are times when it is hard to think clearly. Or as I otherwise would. Other times, I seem to be thinking even more clearly. So while no where near as severe a case as you in any sense of the word, I've felt I'd looked up to you. In a weird way or sense, perhaps. Even if, I was only a diet, or light version of yourself in all ways~ peace

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry rly hope peace no sffr no pain, plz lsn this mthod v awfl mayb vege no posbl know any hav tging lose now able talk do mthod prpr ltr no mthod no any ,this no prolif this no only slw uncomf this more bio prcs awfl no prdct this v cmplx long time v dtrioirt no rtrn body etc, now can plan etc no eat no drnk no brain no any come scum species frc u live put ward etc vege this no want u hpn. Can dmg teth can dmg many no rvrs, now hav fnct ltr no fnct now posbl mthod ctb btr ltr no posbl, this posb dmg orgn dmg many no rvrs, me care u this resn say

 

[nothingbutmybest]

Enjoy yourself, the last days are fairly peaceful but fading from the sources I've read. I'd love to do this, but people would eventually notice. Hopefully the hunger doesn't stay or get worse, I have had times where I haven't ate for days and was fine outside of a few hunger pangs in the beginning but I know it's more difficult for others.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

What the hell is the matter with you? If you are looking to draw fascination and satisfaction from people's vulnerable last moment threads you are so in the wrong place. @LastLoveLetter I really am sorry you even had to see this. Again your wishes are very much respected. The only thing that matters is what gives you comfort.

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I'll still most likely be on the site, just not actively posting about VSED or my circumstances any longer. Since I'm too ill and fatigued to do much else to distract myself, and I'm very isolated, it's hard to simply stop logging in. But I don't want to shout into a void or be a spectacle either.

Hi I just wanted to say, that I find you to be a tremendous source of inspiration—& that you have inspired me in numerous ways. For yours was the first time I'd felt I could find someone who'd understood better/or best, what it is I've been going through. I've never met somebody like that, and needless to say, most people don't get it! I found your insights profound and enlightening as well. So I can only wish you all the best of success with your future plans ahead. I know that whenever I have gone on fasts of that length or duration, there are times when it is hard to think clearly. Or as I otherwise would. Other times, I seem to be thinking even more clearly. So while no where near as severe a case as you in any sense of the word, I've felt I'd looked up to you. In a weird way or sense, perhaps. Even if, I was only a diet, or light version of yourself in all ways~ peace

Thank you, that's very touching to read. It's impossible for me to consider myself an inspiration of any kind, but am truly touched you feel that. I am glad that I was able to make you feel truly understood, especially since you hadn't encountered others who did. Your posts resonated with me deeply and greatly appreciated you taking the time to write them and share some of your circumstances with me.

I appreciated and valued you understanding me as well, it meant a lot. Often, I wish I had someone who understood me on that level in my life. But at the same time, I've found that for someone to truly "get it", they have to live through it themselves. And I wish no-one had to live through that pain and deterioration. So while I'm grateful to have crossed paths with you and for your understanding, I'm also sorry that you do get it.

It's strange how fasting has such variable effects. A part of me hopes that my cognition will fade, in hopes that those final days will be a blur and pass with relative ease. Thank you.

V sry rly hope peace no sffr no pain, plz lsn this mthod v awfl mayb vege no posbl know any hav tging lose now able talk do mthod prpr ltr no mthod no any ,this no prolif this no only slw uncomf this more bio prcs awfl no prdct this v cmplx long time v dtrioirt no rtrn body etc, now can plan etc no eat no drnk no brain no any come scum species frc u live put ward etc vege this no want u hpn. Can dmg teth can dmg many no rvrs, now hav fnct ltr no fnct now posbl mthod ctb btr ltr no posbl, this posb dmg orgn dmg many no rvrs, me care u this resn say

I genuinely appreciate your concern for me, thank you. I know you're saying this because you care. Unfortunately, my options are very limited.

I understand this method is risky and often not successful, and could have serious consequences should it fail. I'm hoping that my SN will arrive in the next week or so, as I'll then be able to switch to a swifter option. I'm too physically impaired for something like hanging, inert gas tanks etc. It needs to be readily accessible, not too expensive and not involve any physical strength or dexterity. And sadly, VSED is one of the very few methods that fulfils every criteria.

My first choice would have been N or a voluntary euthanasia clinic, but neither of those are options unfortunately.

I had seriously considered jumping, but couldn't physically travel to where I wanted to jump from (Beachy Head) or anywhere closer with sufficient height. I considered laying my neck on the train tracks, but don't think I could cope with the guilt of going through with that.

Thank you for always being kind to me.

---

Want to clarify separately as it's kind of a tangent: The above is not a judgement towards anyone else who does decide to ctb by train. That and other public methods are quite often a final resort and act of utter desperation. And I don't feel comfortable judging someone who suffers so much and feels so desperate that their only option is to jump in front of a train or jump off a tall building. Heck, I know how that utter desperation feels.

However, I've also witnessed death personally firsthand and understand how it can stay with people, haunt them. I appreciate that no matter what I do, I'm leaving a body behind and someone's going to have to see it. Someone might get traumatised. But deliberately chose a method that I hope will minimise that a little bit, alongside taking other precautions.

 

[rozeske]

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I'll still most likely be on the site, just not actively posting about VSED or my circumstances any longer. Since I'm too ill and fatigued to do much else to distract myself, and I'm very isolated, it's hard to simply stop logging in. But I don't want to shout into a void or be a spectacle either.

Know that we all will be pleased to read from you if and when you decide to write however much and understand and support you if and when you decide to write little or none. It only matters what gives you comfort and ease your days. I hate we can't do much for you except give our support and love and be here for you. We all choose our methods and decide on what do with them after hopefully careful and serious consideration of our situations. Know that your decision is well understood and respected. I send you much love and a big virtual hug I hope you can find as much comfort from this community as possible and I hope your days get easier

 

[iusedtobehappy]

Sending love and healing your way. Not just words. Genuinely thinking of you with love and care.