darkdivine
Gelt
- Feb 8, 2022
- 18
I just need to vent. To say everything that I can't say to my therapist, or anyone else for that matter. Not that I can't say it, I just have such a hard time getting the words to come out and the tears to stay in.
I have difficulty expressing my emotions, as well as articulating them at times. This comes from a lifetime of being told not to cry, being gaslit, psychological/physical abuse all from within my family unit. Not to mention the constant bullying I got from my peers growing up for being different. It wasn't until I was older and sitting in a psych chair telling the doc how at age 7 my brother - who was nearly a decade older than me - would tie me up and hit me, let his friends tie me up and torture me by forcing handfuls of salt bullion cubes into my mouth, burning me with cigarettes, or the countless other physical interactions were actually abuse.
Of course, growing up I also dealt with my father's anger too. Most of my life he just slept all day, ate, and went back to bed, but there were a lot of instances where anything could set him off and he could get pretty rough with his hands. On all of us. He hit all of us, but I felt like the main source of wrath for him after he kicked my brothers out. Of course, when I got older I made amends with him, but unfortunately he would get sick in November of 2018 and be deceased by January 2019. Stage 4 lung cancer had metastasized and taken him. I was his primary care giver then and the things I saw and experienced with his hospice care will forever haunt me.
My mother essentially lost her mind after my dad died. He had always controlled all of us, especially her and I, but she was also very psychologically abusive growing up. She's cruel as hell now. She constantly comments my weight, my looks, criticizes my life. If I tell her an opinion or do or say something that even remotely offends her she will quite literally call me every name in the book, tell me to kill myself, gaslight me, call me crazy, or insult how I live my life due to my mental illnesses.
My mother has essentially caused me to lose all ties with all of my extended family because since my father has passed she has played victim HARD and lied about me extensively! She has mental health issues herself but stopped taking her meds and going to therapy. I've hardly been allowed to mourn around her. She only cares about money it seems.
All of this happened AND I got to experience PTSD flashbacks of sexual abuse I had mostly forgotten about. I remembered some from my toddler years, but I had forgotten about a huge chunk from 7-12. I was also sexually assaulted by a peer at 15 qbd of course I was remembering and dealing with all of this while I was going to college full time with a 3.8 GPA, and working full time...
Needless to say, I snapped. I ended up having what the psychiatrists called, "a temporary psychotic break."
I don't remember much of being in and out of different facilities, but I do remember the physical and emotional abuse and neglect. I was mechanically restrained to a bed in one such facility for 4 days with intent to keep me there for 2 weeks as punishment, before my mandated attorney happened to show up and find me. I was regularly man handled, forced to eat food with only my fingers (ice cream/yogurt diet only), I slept on a bed with no pillow or blanket, and was force fed tranquilizers every couple of hours and if I refused they injected me regardless.
To say I came out more traumatized is an understatement.
Flash forward to the present. I live alone in an apartment with my cat in a town I've resided in for nearly 2 years and I have only met one person long enough to buy weed from them one time. I'm agoraphobic with travel anxiety and other phobias. I have PTSD, BPD, chronic major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorders, need I continue? For awhile the nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis were so bad on nights the insomnia wasn't keeping me awake I thought I'd never get decent sleep again. I ended up on more meds for those. Even going to sleep in general is hard because I now have trauma with beds. I also can't handle feeling restrained by too many blankets or anything or I panic.
I felt great for a bit... For a couple years, but thanks to people being so awful, covid, current events and everything else on top of it. I feel myself having another break. Sometimes, I hear voices or think I am, like neighbors or people just over my shoulder talking badly about me, except most of the words are too hard to make out. It's the tone and keywords I catch that make me know it's about me, though. I'm also hallucinating again. Sometimes, it's the sensation of bugs on my skin like a spider, other times I actually think I see one. Other times it looks like something or someone standing or moving in or out of the corner of my eye. Last week I was convinced someone was crawling on the neighbors roof... In -30° weather.
My nightmares, flashbacks, mind are all just getting worse and I have nowhere to really go or turn to because I'm petrified of being inpatient again. I'm trying so hard not to harm myself, to just keep fighting, but the only thing helping these days are weed and my cat...
I met a guy online a few months ago as well but it feels... Forced now on both sides. I kind of feel like just a fetish to him at times, and he seems more invested in other things. Part of me feels like I cling to the relationship because I'm just so desperate to be loved. *cue the history of my toxic exes*
There's just so much. I want to be in a relationship. I want sex - it's been a very long time, but I'm petrified of intimacy and always have been. Between a conservative upbringing and trauma even self intimacy is awkward and at times uncomfortable. But, I want love, sensuality, sex, romance, passion, all of it. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of it and understood it better.
I'm sure I'm rambling and my post is getting scattered and long, thanks for listening. Sometimes I feel like screaming until my lungs pop or something, but instead I'm usually quiet or crying. All I know is I'm not in good shape in so many ways.
The saddest thing is, my whole life I've been screaming for help and no one would listen. Now, I'm an adult and I'm still screaming and it's like they don't even want to.
I have difficulty expressing my emotions, as well as articulating them at times. This comes from a lifetime of being told not to cry, being gaslit, psychological/physical abuse all from within my family unit. Not to mention the constant bullying I got from my peers growing up for being different. It wasn't until I was older and sitting in a psych chair telling the doc how at age 7 my brother - who was nearly a decade older than me - would tie me up and hit me, let his friends tie me up and torture me by forcing handfuls of salt bullion cubes into my mouth, burning me with cigarettes, or the countless other physical interactions were actually abuse.
Of course, growing up I also dealt with my father's anger too. Most of my life he just slept all day, ate, and went back to bed, but there were a lot of instances where anything could set him off and he could get pretty rough with his hands. On all of us. He hit all of us, but I felt like the main source of wrath for him after he kicked my brothers out. Of course, when I got older I made amends with him, but unfortunately he would get sick in November of 2018 and be deceased by January 2019. Stage 4 lung cancer had metastasized and taken him. I was his primary care giver then and the things I saw and experienced with his hospice care will forever haunt me.
My mother essentially lost her mind after my dad died. He had always controlled all of us, especially her and I, but she was also very psychologically abusive growing up. She's cruel as hell now. She constantly comments my weight, my looks, criticizes my life. If I tell her an opinion or do or say something that even remotely offends her she will quite literally call me every name in the book, tell me to kill myself, gaslight me, call me crazy, or insult how I live my life due to my mental illnesses.
My mother has essentially caused me to lose all ties with all of my extended family because since my father has passed she has played victim HARD and lied about me extensively! She has mental health issues herself but stopped taking her meds and going to therapy. I've hardly been allowed to mourn around her. She only cares about money it seems.
All of this happened AND I got to experience PTSD flashbacks of sexual abuse I had mostly forgotten about. I remembered some from my toddler years, but I had forgotten about a huge chunk from 7-12. I was also sexually assaulted by a peer at 15 qbd of course I was remembering and dealing with all of this while I was going to college full time with a 3.8 GPA, and working full time...
Needless to say, I snapped. I ended up having what the psychiatrists called, "a temporary psychotic break."
I don't remember much of being in and out of different facilities, but I do remember the physical and emotional abuse and neglect. I was mechanically restrained to a bed in one such facility for 4 days with intent to keep me there for 2 weeks as punishment, before my mandated attorney happened to show up and find me. I was regularly man handled, forced to eat food with only my fingers (ice cream/yogurt diet only), I slept on a bed with no pillow or blanket, and was force fed tranquilizers every couple of hours and if I refused they injected me regardless.
To say I came out more traumatized is an understatement.
Flash forward to the present. I live alone in an apartment with my cat in a town I've resided in for nearly 2 years and I have only met one person long enough to buy weed from them one time. I'm agoraphobic with travel anxiety and other phobias. I have PTSD, BPD, chronic major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorders, need I continue? For awhile the nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis were so bad on nights the insomnia wasn't keeping me awake I thought I'd never get decent sleep again. I ended up on more meds for those. Even going to sleep in general is hard because I now have trauma with beds. I also can't handle feeling restrained by too many blankets or anything or I panic.
I felt great for a bit... For a couple years, but thanks to people being so awful, covid, current events and everything else on top of it. I feel myself having another break. Sometimes, I hear voices or think I am, like neighbors or people just over my shoulder talking badly about me, except most of the words are too hard to make out. It's the tone and keywords I catch that make me know it's about me, though. I'm also hallucinating again. Sometimes, it's the sensation of bugs on my skin like a spider, other times I actually think I see one. Other times it looks like something or someone standing or moving in or out of the corner of my eye. Last week I was convinced someone was crawling on the neighbors roof... In -30° weather.
My nightmares, flashbacks, mind are all just getting worse and I have nowhere to really go or turn to because I'm petrified of being inpatient again. I'm trying so hard not to harm myself, to just keep fighting, but the only thing helping these days are weed and my cat...
I met a guy online a few months ago as well but it feels... Forced now on both sides. I kind of feel like just a fetish to him at times, and he seems more invested in other things. Part of me feels like I cling to the relationship because I'm just so desperate to be loved. *cue the history of my toxic exes*
There's just so much. I want to be in a relationship. I want sex - it's been a very long time, but I'm petrified of intimacy and always have been. Between a conservative upbringing and trauma even self intimacy is awkward and at times uncomfortable. But, I want love, sensuality, sex, romance, passion, all of it. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of it and understood it better.
I'm sure I'm rambling and my post is getting scattered and long, thanks for listening. Sometimes I feel like screaming until my lungs pop or something, but instead I'm usually quiet or crying. All I know is I'm not in good shape in so many ways.
The saddest thing is, my whole life I've been screaming for help and no one would listen. Now, I'm an adult and I'm still screaming and it's like they don't even want to.
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