Imissyoumydarling
a very majestic chicken cat
- May 7, 2022
- 107
This is venting/flow of thoughts. I'm not expecting responses.
My decision to CTB was based on receiving some information in June. I've just been told I'll get that information tomorrow. I'm not ready.
I'm scared that it's too soon. My SN isn't due till June. I wanted to die immediately after being told if the news was negative. But now I have to suffer two weeks. I want my SN so badly. I'm desperate for it. But it can't be bought locally.
My plan was to take a regional flight (no security) to a small town far away, then rent a car and drive for a few hours to the hotel room I've picked out which has personal meaning.
There is a large two person/two head shower cubicle. The bathroom is black tile. I was going to drag the bedding in there for it. It's where we were happy. I'll feel safe and enclosed because of the aesthetic and size of it. I'll be able to lie down fully. The door means I can put up a sign warning workers.
I found a cute little 110ml mug and tiny spoon yesterday on sale. My SN was coming bundled in 50g bags. I didn't want to carry extra gear. So I'm just going to dump the entire bag in the tiny mug and put in water. One mouthful will be about half. Then after the first vomit or five minutes, whichever comes first, I'll drink the rest. That way my SN won't contaminate any hotel things. And I won't have to bother measuring but it'll be the equivalent of two 25g/50ml glasses.
I was going to wear the clothes I was wearing the first time he told me he loved me. A long blue floral skirt and a fitted black lace V neck top. But now I'm confused and wondering if I should wear them tomorrow for the news. I don't want to jinx them. Someone talk me out of it because I want that outfit to be associated with good things. If the news is bad then the outfit will be bad. But maybe he'll change his mind if he sees it. But deep down I know thats irrational. An outfit won't change his mind.
I don't have family or friends. I'm going to post in my work whatsapp group shortly before drinking. It'll ask them to take care of specific things. Like money and my cat and my belongings. I don't have a will. I was going to just transfer all my money to one person (without warning them) and ask them to divide it into the amounts I've asked. I trust they'll be honest with it.
I'm so scared of the news. It wasn't meant to be this soon. I was meant to be more prepared. I was completely at ease with my plan but it all hinged on me having my SN right after getting the news. Now I have no SN and have to wait. There's no other method I'm comfortable with. I'm so scared to suffer.
My decision to CTB was based on receiving some information in June. I've just been told I'll get that information tomorrow. I'm not ready.
I'm scared that it's too soon. My SN isn't due till June. I wanted to die immediately after being told if the news was negative. But now I have to suffer two weeks. I want my SN so badly. I'm desperate for it. But it can't be bought locally.
My plan was to take a regional flight (no security) to a small town far away, then rent a car and drive for a few hours to the hotel room I've picked out which has personal meaning.
There is a large two person/two head shower cubicle. The bathroom is black tile. I was going to drag the bedding in there for it. It's where we were happy. I'll feel safe and enclosed because of the aesthetic and size of it. I'll be able to lie down fully. The door means I can put up a sign warning workers.
I found a cute little 110ml mug and tiny spoon yesterday on sale. My SN was coming bundled in 50g bags. I didn't want to carry extra gear. So I'm just going to dump the entire bag in the tiny mug and put in water. One mouthful will be about half. Then after the first vomit or five minutes, whichever comes first, I'll drink the rest. That way my SN won't contaminate any hotel things. And I won't have to bother measuring but it'll be the equivalent of two 25g/50ml glasses.
I was going to wear the clothes I was wearing the first time he told me he loved me. A long blue floral skirt and a fitted black lace V neck top. But now I'm confused and wondering if I should wear them tomorrow for the news. I don't want to jinx them. Someone talk me out of it because I want that outfit to be associated with good things. If the news is bad then the outfit will be bad. But maybe he'll change his mind if he sees it. But deep down I know thats irrational. An outfit won't change his mind.
I don't have family or friends. I'm going to post in my work whatsapp group shortly before drinking. It'll ask them to take care of specific things. Like money and my cat and my belongings. I don't have a will. I was going to just transfer all my money to one person (without warning them) and ask them to divide it into the amounts I've asked. I trust they'll be honest with it.
I'm so scared of the news. It wasn't meant to be this soon. I was meant to be more prepared. I was completely at ease with my plan but it all hinged on me having my SN right after getting the news. Now I have no SN and have to wait. There's no other method I'm comfortable with. I'm so scared to suffer.
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