Told my doctor my intent to die

[IamNOTentertained]

I told my psychiatrist, who I've been seeing for over a decade, that I'm done fighting and I'm planning to die. He does not want me to ctb and can not/will not aid me but he says he understands how I've gotten to this point and that he will honor (not help) my decision.

I've experienced life altering trauma at painfully early age and again as an adult. I also have a family history of depression. I have diagnosed treatment resistant depression, have been on several different medications, been hospitalized more than once, and have received ECT treatment (considered the last stop in treating severe depression). I was also diagnosed with cancer twice last year and while I've had successful treatments the fact that I had two different cancers within two months means I'm high risk and my life expectancy as it stands is approximately 10 years (some of which would be spent in treatment/palliative care).

I don't have any friends, siblings, coworkers. The only people who will know will be my mother and my doctor. I hate the thought of leaving behind my aging mother but our relationship is a source of some (not all) of my despair. I present as fashionable, pleasant, helpful, attractive, friendly, caring, agreeable. I'm all but perfect on the outside.

I intend to go away to ctb and plan to make it appear as an accident for the sake of my mother. My plan allows me to enjoy myself as much as I can and have a beautiful sunset as my last sight.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this but I'm glad someone will see it. I rarely feel seen.

Thank you

 

[I_cant_]

You are seen and I am sorry to hear your story it seems like life gave you some shitty cards

 

[IamNOTentertained]

You are seen and I am sorry to hear your story it seems like life gave you some shitty cards

Thank you. Your words means more than you know.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry for everything you have been through. I hope you find the peace you desire.

 

[CatLvr]

My goodness, that is a lot -- and even with all that, your thoughts are in how to lessen the pain of those you will leave behind.

Please know you ARE seen. And you ARE heard. I will light a candle for you, that your passing is swift and painless and you are rewarded with the peace you seek. And quite frankly, deserve. Much love, dear!

 

[otium]

May you find the peace you deserve. No one should suffer like you did.

 

[shiba]

You're strong for making it for so long and still looking after your mother until the end. Wishing you the peace you deserve.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much in this cruel existence, I hope you find peace.

 

[NoHorizon]

I'm so sorry life brought you to this point and didn't give you a happier outcome. For what it's worth, I see you.

 

[developic]

I told my psychiatrist, who I've been seeing for over a decade, that I'm done fighting and I'm planning to die. He does not want me to ctb and can not/will not aid me but he says he understands how I've gotten to this point and that he will honor (not help) my decision.

I've experienced life altering trauma at painfully early age and again as an adult. I also have a family history of depression. I have diagnosed treatment resistant depression, have been on several different medications, been hospitalized more than once, and have received ECT treatment (considered the last stop in treating severe depression). I was also diagnosed with cancer twice last year and while I've had successful treatments the fact that I had two different cancers within two months means I'm high risk and my life expectancy as it stands is approximately 10 years (some of which would be spent in treatment/palliative care).

I don't have any friends, siblings, coworkers. The only people who will know will be my mother and my doctor. I hate the thought of leaving behind my aging mother but our relationship is a source of some (not all) of my despair. I present as fashionable, pleasant, helpful, attractive, friendly, caring, agreeable. I'm all but perfect on the outside.

I intend to go away to ctb and plan to make it appear as an accident for the sake of my mother. My plan allows me to enjoy myself as much as I can and have a beautiful sunset as my last sight.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this but I'm glad someone will see it. I rarely feel seen.

Thank you

Even in the darkest hours, the fire of hope can be lit again, and your heart can beat once more with the promise of happiness