Today's the big day

[Spaghettificat]

At noon I will have fasted for 24 hrs; I'll take 3 antacid tablets (750mg calcium carbonate per tablet), 3 ibuprofen (200mg each) and a solution containing 20g sodium nitrite. BTW—SN is pretty stable so it should be fine to prep it a few hours in advance right? Still need to send a timed message for 8:30 pm to my parents—honestly debating if I should even do that 'cause I don't think I owe it to them and I don't really wanna. Um yeah if I don't make any more posts after about 8 hours then you can count me among those who successfully ctb using SN without antiemetics. If I survive or get cold feet I will eventually post an update rest assured.

Lol genuinely a hilarious story what pushed me over the edge—like you have my permission to laugh it's not self degrading or whatever. So basically in my senior year of highschool my 5k PR was 17:15. Last night I ran myself completely short of breath from fucking myself with a dildo for 15 minutes. Like I barely even feel alive anymore—like It doesn't even feel like suicide I feel like my physical body is literally in the process of dying rn. I've barely even left my bed for the past two months like what else do you call that but dying? I feel like I've been slowing reaching this point for years now—ever since I started seriously considering suicide at 15.

I wonder how many who caught the bus felt the same way. Is it even possible for suicide to truly feel like killing yourself? If it did feel like killing yourself then you probably wouldn't do it right? IDK, that's just my perspective. AMA, any tips or commentary or anything is welcome ofc. I'm 20, transfem, exmormon and a cutter and contrary to what everyone will say about me I wasn't miserable my whole life or anything—I've been pretty happy in spite of everything but it's just too hard to keep doing that forever so here I am now.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you desire

 

[linnea56]

wishing you all the best on your journey to peace

 

[sweetdrowning]

Post an update if you can. Take care, and I hope peace finds you, whatever you decide. Sending warmth.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

So basically in my senior year of highschool my 5k PR was 17:15

That is utterly insane. I was an impressive athlete back in my day too. So many of us go from feeling so good to feeling so bad. No comment on the dildo.

 

[dalemar]

First of all, I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find the peace you deserve!
I am former athlete as well. In my case I never had serious suicide thoughts until some months a very unlucky situation caused me some kind of spinal cord injury, which caused the life I had to end, so I think I might understand to some point how you feel.
About having the SN diluted with some hours in advance, since this an unknown scenario, I would reduce that time as much as possible, I guess 2-3 hours won't have a negative effect, I don't know if more time can be a risk.
The only thing I can say about scheduled message is that, if you really want to CTB, make sure it's sent a long time after you took the SN.

 

[Spaghettificat]

First of all, I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find the peace you deserve!
I am former athlete as well. In my case I never had serious suicide thoughts until some months a very unlucky situation caused me some kind of spinal cord injury, which caused the life I had to end, so I think I might understand to some point how you feel.
About having the SN diluted with some hours in advance, since this an unknown scenario, I would reduce that time as much as possible, I guess 2-3 hours won't have a negative effect, I don't know if more time can be a risk.
The only thing I can say about scheduled message is that, if you really want to CTB, make sure it's sent a long time after you took the SN.

I've measured it into glasses but I haven't added the water yet. I think ~7-8hrs should be enough right to prevent rescue right? Although it wouldn't hurt to give it like a 10hr buffer ig.

Sorry to hear about your injury—I wish the best for you :3

 

[dalemar]

I've measured it into glasses but I haven't added the water yet. I think ~7-8hrs should be enough right to prevent rescue right? Although it wouldn't hurt to give it like a 10hr buffer ig.

Sorry to hear about your injury—I wish the best for you :3

I think 7-8hs is good enough for the message, 10 is better.
As for the water and the SN, I would postpone the dilution as much as you can.

 

[blueskies3]

I hope its as painless as possible

 

[Spaghettificat]

I hope its as painless as possible

Supposedly the most I'll experience is irregular heartbeat and nausea

 

[mychois]

God speed.

 

[blueskies3]

Supposedly the most I'll experience is irregular heartbeat and nausea

I know that's what they say. But I don't know if you can safely assume what your reaction will be. The only thing stopping me from taking SN is I'm scared of an agonizing death. I think if I do end up taking SN it will be with strong painkillers.
People have posted their SN protocols on here. It would be good to look into them

 

[cursedlife]

I also feel like I died a long time ago and I'm just laying in my bed doing the same thing everyday I hope everything goes well for you and your transition be peaceful

 

[Spaghettificat]

I know that's what they say. But I don't know if you can safely assume what your reaction will be. The only thing stopping me from taking SN is I'm scared of an agonizing death. I think if I do end up taking SN it will be with strong painkillers

Fair enough. I'ma be so fr RN and say I've got mixed feelings about this site—like on the one hand the history of this site and it's founders and stuff is super sketchy but this place effectively has a monopoly on discussion and information surrounding suicide so I don't want it to really be targeted and definitely not taken down but I guess it makes sense to be skeptical of SN and what people say about it. If I experience agony then oh well I guess— bad luck but I'm already in agony like I'm having some kinda episode and I wanna cut real bad rn so I'm not putting this off anymore.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

From a fellow transfem— I hope you find the piece you're looking for >w<

 

[blueskies3]

Fair enough. I'ma be so fr RN and say I've got mixed feelings about this site—like on the one hand the history of this site and it's founders and stuff is super sketchy but this place effectively has a monopoly on discussion and information surrounding suicide so I don't want it to really be targeted and definitely not taken down but I guess it makes sense to be skeptical of SN and what people say about it. If I experience agony then oh well I guess— bad luck but I'm already in agony like I'm having some kinda episode and I wanna cut real bad rn so I'm not putting this off anymore.

I feel you. Good luck in whatever you do my friend

 

[Spaghettificat]

From a fellow transfem— I hope you find the piece you're looking for >w<

Thx. My mom told me I was already basically dead and she would start mourning when I told her I started hormones almost two years ago. I hate how our suicide rates are used as a necropolitical argument to pathologize violence against us. I was happy and I am actually pretty happy with my body right now if you can believe it. Everything else is just too much.

 

[Spaghettificat]

At noon I will have fasted for 24 hrs; I'll take 3 antacid tablets (750mg calcium carbonate per tablet), 3 ibuprofen (200mg each) and a solution containing 20g sodium nitrite. BTW—SN is pretty stable so it should be fine to prep it a few hours in advance right? Still need to send a timed message for 8:30 pm to my parents—honestly debating if I should even do that 'cause I don't think I owe it to them and I don't really wanna. Um yeah if I don't make any more posts after about 8 hours then you can count me among those who successfully ctb using SN without antiemetics. If I survive or get cold feet I will eventually post an update rest assured.

Lol genuinely a hilarious story what pushed me over the edge—like you have my permission to laugh it's not self degrading or whatever. So basically in my senior year of highschool my 5k PR was 17:15. Last night I ran myself completely short of breath from fucking myself with a dildo for 15 minutes. Like I barely even feel alive anymore—like It doesn't even feel like suicide I feel like my physical body is literally in the process of dying rn. I've barely even left my bed for the past two months like what else do you call that but dying? I feel like I've been slowing reaching this point for years now—ever since I started seriously considering suicide at 15.

I wonder how many who caught the bus felt the same way. Is it even possible for suicide to truly feel like killing yourself? If it did feel like killing yourself then you probably wouldn't do it right? IDK, that's just my perspective. AMA, any tips or commentary or anything is welcome ofc. I'm 20, transfem, exmormon and a cutter and contrary to what everyone will say about me I wasn't miserable my whole life or anything—I've been pretty happy in spite of everything but it's just too hard to keep doing that forever so here I am now.

Just took it holy shit it's salty. Immediate nausea followed but it passed and I kept it down. Just gonna go cuddle my blahaj and fall asleep now. Still nauseous but not terrible I can keep it down

 

[Forveleth]

Hope your journey is swift and you find peace

 

[Synrelia]

Just took it holy shit it's salty. Immediate nausea followed but it passed and I kept it down. Just gonna go cuddle my blahaj and fall asleep now. Still nauseous but not terrible I can keep it down

My heart breaks for you, but I hope you have an easy transition. I'm sorry things were so hard. Rest easy.

 

[whocaresnobodycares]

At noon I will have fasted for 24 hrs; I'll take 3 antacid tablets (750mg calcium carbonate per tablet), 3 ibuprofen (200mg each) and a solution containing 20g sodium nitrite. BTW—SN is pretty stable so it should be fine to prep it a few hours in advance right? Still need to send a timed message for 8:30 pm to my parents—honestly debating if I should even do that 'cause I don't think I owe it to them and I don't really wanna. Um yeah if I don't make any more posts after about 8 hours then you can count me among those who successfully ctb using SN without antiemetics. If I survive or get cold feet I will eventually post an update rest assured.

Lol genuinely a hilarious story what pushed me over the edge—like you have my permission to laugh it's not self degrading or whatever. So basically in my senior year of highschool my 5k PR was 17:15. Last night I ran myself completely short of breath from fucking myself with a dildo for 15 minutes. Like I barely even feel alive anymore—like It doesn't even feel like suicide I feel like my physical body is literally in the process of dying rn. I've barely even left my bed for the past two months like what else do you call that but dying? I feel like I've been slowing reaching this point for years now—ever since I started seriously considering suicide at 15.

I wonder how many who caught the bus felt the same way. Is it even possible for suicide to truly feel like killing yourself? If it did feel like killing yourself then you probably wouldn't do it right? IDK, that's just my perspective. AMA, any tips or commentary or anything is welcome ofc. I'm 20, transfem, exmormon and a cutter and contrary to what everyone will say about me I wasn't miserable my whole life or anything—I've been pretty happy in spite of everything but it's just too hard to keep doing that forever so here I am now.

I'm very jealous.
Good luck.

 

[dalemar]

Just took it holy shit it's salty. Immediate nausea followed but it passed and I kept it down. Just gonna go cuddle my blahaj and fall asleep now. Still nauseous but not terrible I can keep it down

Sending love again.
I feel massive respect for your bravery.
I hope everything goes according to your will.

 

[Lilithium]

Just took it holy shit it's salty. Immediate nausea followed but it passed and I kept it down. Just gonna go cuddle my blahaj and fall asleep now. Still nauseous but not terrible I can keep it down

I'm genuinely sorry that it came down to this, but I hope that you find the peace you seek