GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
This is a continuation of the V-Day venting post. Those people are more than welcome to join this post as well. I hurt all day on V-Day from the loss of my lover/S.O even though I knew Valentine's Day was going to be hard I was not prepared for that kind of pain. I have the shakes and the pain even now. I went for a walk to think about other things and it only seemed to make it worse for some reason. I'm also in a shit position. I will lose my house, I'm about out of money, I'm too stressed out and sick to go to work, and I am alone alone alone. I have a bad memory/confusion from both stress and bad health/lack of sleep and diet. I lost my son 4 years ago and I have been spiraling ever since. He was born too soon and he had not developed proper lungs to survive. I've had other deaths as well and they don't help either. I called an old friend and that helped for the moments I was on the phone but the stress of my combined problems has and is now just crippling. My chest actually hurts. I am very lost right now. Maybe it's an illness or something else. I have CBD and I have been drinking and smoking a lot. My health has not been well over the last 2 to 4 years and this also adds to my stress. I have a broken anxiety and small things scare me half to death. The mailman scares me and when I see the sun coming up its like a small panic attack. This has been going on for most of my adult life. I know much of this is my fault as I can be hard to deal with. I was planning on letting my mind and body rest the last few weeks and not be stressed out before moving onto CTB. I didn't want to die on a holiday so I waited out V-Day and now it is passed. I have prepared 3 methods here alone over the past weeks. There is nothing, and nobody to stop me from CTB alone in my quiet home. I'm not sure if I can recover or where to start if I decided to. My misery from childhood abuse and neglect has snowballed over the course of my life. That with the regular pains of this world have left me in this state of fear and pain and distrust. It just hurts so bad. Maybe I'm sensitive but I will not apologize for it. I am a kind person in my opinion. I try to help when I can if I can. I try to be kind to strangers by at least saying hi and asking if thier day is ok at work. I'm far from perfect but this life has worn me the fuck down. I wish I had a firearm but I'm not sure if I contain the courage to use it. I see some of your posts and I so wish I could help you. You do not deserve to be sad, or hurt, or outcast, or abandoned. It's just not fucking right! However there is no fucking helpful place to go when we end up this way. No safety zone for the injured soldiers. I may end up CTB. Right now it's nice to just read and share and give what support I feel I can. I just keep thinking that heaven sounds so nice.
