Lamentice
Schizoid
- Mar 27, 2023
- 125
I'm schizoid; always had a personality predisposition toward it, but it's fully developed itself now in adulthood. I was putting insane energy into masking the past several years, I was a very successful masker in many ways, didn't realize how much I was exhausting myself or why until I was just completely burnt out.
The bummer is that I could actually really enjoy my life; I'm really content with myself, very personally secure, my company is the best company and I've never met someone who seems to have a relationship with themselves as healthy as mine is with me. I have a very intense, deep inner world, very live in my head type, lots of creative & artistic hobbies I enjoy, I don't really experience any pressure from myself over anything, if I don't have motivation I don't care, wouldn't say I'm passionate about any one thing, but I do like stuff. I love doing lots of activities, but only really enjoy them alone; I like going dancing, going to cafes, going on walks, being in nature, going to activity nights at event centers & rec spaces & bars (don't drink though), but only do them alone, and I don't socialize and don't like when other people socialize with me and then inevitably linger around like I'm gonna further engage them--I can tolerate something quick and sweet, but am not gonna connect further, I just don't care to.
And that's it; the crux of all my issues are other people and what they expect from me and their [sometimes violent] often deranged reactions. I've had issues at multiple jobs--past, present, whenever--over not having a social personality, despite having skill & being a valuable contributor. And mind you, I'm not mean, I'm just not bubbly either. People can really freak out on me for not preforming for them, or being accessible, or just not needing others at all, and I really don't care to participate, but when you don't society punishes you hard. It zaps all energy from me to preform & participate, like I am drained dry in ways other people couldn't even fathom, and then of course without energy I just don't manage to mask at all which makes it all worse. I don't really care for professional treatment much (there isn't any for schizoid anyway, just never ending therapy set on making you a person you're not so you can blend in with all the "normal" people & not disrupt the status quo), there's nothing wrong with me & I won't humor the belief that there is, I am just not wired like most people and I don't really care about it, but other people make what isn't really their issue or my issue, or an issue at all, into a miserable experience. I like who I am, but I really really don't like other people. Like WHY DO YOU NEED ACCESS TO ME? Fuck! Why do you care so goddamn much? I could never be so concerned with you. And.. when people are attracted to you and you just aren't even like that or wired like that at all, they lose it for real. Being schizoid I might as well not be human at all.
I used to be actively suicidal, now I just kind of move through the motions expecting I'll get too fed up one day, even though I could enjoy my life, if it was just me. Participating in social games is pretty much a requirement to achieve any level of comfort whatsoever. I fucking hate this world, cause it's all fucking made up too, and yet I have to be a part of the mass delusion or suffer.
The bummer is that I could actually really enjoy my life; I'm really content with myself, very personally secure, my company is the best company and I've never met someone who seems to have a relationship with themselves as healthy as mine is with me. I have a very intense, deep inner world, very live in my head type, lots of creative & artistic hobbies I enjoy, I don't really experience any pressure from myself over anything, if I don't have motivation I don't care, wouldn't say I'm passionate about any one thing, but I do like stuff. I love doing lots of activities, but only really enjoy them alone; I like going dancing, going to cafes, going on walks, being in nature, going to activity nights at event centers & rec spaces & bars (don't drink though), but only do them alone, and I don't socialize and don't like when other people socialize with me and then inevitably linger around like I'm gonna further engage them--I can tolerate something quick and sweet, but am not gonna connect further, I just don't care to.
And that's it; the crux of all my issues are other people and what they expect from me and their [sometimes violent] often deranged reactions. I've had issues at multiple jobs--past, present, whenever--over not having a social personality, despite having skill & being a valuable contributor. And mind you, I'm not mean, I'm just not bubbly either. People can really freak out on me for not preforming for them, or being accessible, or just not needing others at all, and I really don't care to participate, but when you don't society punishes you hard. It zaps all energy from me to preform & participate, like I am drained dry in ways other people couldn't even fathom, and then of course without energy I just don't manage to mask at all which makes it all worse. I don't really care for professional treatment much (there isn't any for schizoid anyway, just never ending therapy set on making you a person you're not so you can blend in with all the "normal" people & not disrupt the status quo), there's nothing wrong with me & I won't humor the belief that there is, I am just not wired like most people and I don't really care about it, but other people make what isn't really their issue or my issue, or an issue at all, into a miserable experience. I like who I am, but I really really don't like other people. Like WHY DO YOU NEED ACCESS TO ME? Fuck! Why do you care so goddamn much? I could never be so concerned with you. And.. when people are attracted to you and you just aren't even like that or wired like that at all, they lose it for real. Being schizoid I might as well not be human at all.
I used to be actively suicidal, now I just kind of move through the motions expecting I'll get too fed up one day, even though I could enjoy my life, if it was just me. Participating in social games is pretty much a requirement to achieve any level of comfort whatsoever. I fucking hate this world, cause it's all fucking made up too, and yet I have to be a part of the mass delusion or suffer.
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