I was gonna write some stuff on a paper before I went and commit to partial hanging, but then I remembered that my country have a hard-on for suicide and generally neglecting reporting such cases because of some religious belief, so it might just end up getting toss away or burned before anyone could read it. I know it doesn't matter at this point, who cares what some random guy like me posts here but I want to atleast let out my year long thoughts here because unfortunately, I have no one else to talk to.
Ok. so, growing up I was raised quite religious. My father was an islamic priest and I've been indoctrinated and abused to follow islam ever since I was a kid. Growing up, my dad wasn't that great of a person, I could remember all the time he would beat my mom and me and my little brother when we were a kid over the most random reasons (and this is coming from the person society deemed as "the most pious/kindest"). It got so bad that he once tried to threaten me with a knife, because I would also shield myself from my siblings, which he hated because he sees me as a coward for doing so as the oldest brother. I could still remember him gaslighting me by smiling and saying "what, do you really think I'm actually gonna stab you?" and that image was ingrained in my head for the rest of my life. Years go by, I thought that if I just keep to islam and keep practicing it, i'd get his approval and finally find a way to move on from all my trauma. And I know how naive I was to think of this, besides, therapy is still a taboo back then just it is today because "how can you be depressed/have mental illness if you believe in islam? just pray to Allah bro XXXDD. muslim nowadays are so corrupted". And I won't lie, I used to have this kind of view too back in highschool. My eyes were starting to open a little when I met this girl with bipolar on the last year of highschool (in SEA, we go through 5 years of highschool) but my naive, dumbass would always act all high and mighty because I used to believe that islam is the answer to everything (its fucking not). Nonetheless, she really helped me see things in a different view even tho at some point we got into a scuffle a couple of times, but that only lasted for 2 weeks and we got back to being friends later on. Over time, I learn alot of things from her, like the people she dated in highschool throughout the years, what kind of experience they had, and I was really intriguied and sympathethic by everything that she went through. At some point, I realize that "there's no way islam could actually help someone who go through this much" and I started to become more open to being "liberal" day by day. She was also the only person I could find comfort in whenever my dad started getting mad out of nowhere and scold/beat me (yea he still do that from time to time). During this time, my mom also started becoming more religious seemingly out of the blue (indoctrination be damned) and I'd end up getting religiously blackmailed by her too.
Now, let's talk about my other friends in highschool. The two best buds I've ever known, who helped me learn english and getting accustomed to the world of the internet. There's not much to say here other than I'd probably end up as some ultra religious cult leader if it weren't for them showing me that there's more to life than islam. I dont think I'd ever discover so many fun video game and the existence of western youtubers if I had never met them, those things really helped keep me going through the darkest of days. Even after a year out of highschool, the both of them made the world a little bit easier to live in.
Now, to the not so fun part of a relationship. The breaking up.
So what exactly happen? How did my tightly knit friendship end up here, where I'm truly alone and with no hope for the future anymore? Well, for one, obviously pairing up someone with childhood trauma and someone with bipolar is gonna cause some trouble down the line. And my two male buddy were quick to point out that what my relationship with her was a little toxic. It got so bad that they would only talk to me and ignore her whenever we would go hang out together. But, she was the only person I could truly connect with, in the deepest most sincere way. She's the only one who show some care whenever I talk about the abuses I went through, although I never really know if it was genuine or just another one of her mask. But, it could just be because of the pressure society put on boys/men to bottle up their thoughts and emotions, because showing anything other than happiness is a sign that you aren't a good muslim. Anyways, things got really awkward a few months before the final year ended. I could feel that my relationship with them are slowly but surely hitting it end. I tried really hard to keep it together, hoping that we can still maybe hang out after highschool ended. I was so scared of being alone without them by my side anymore, and it doesn't help that my parents gave zero shit about what I think. But alas, right after highschool end, she told me that she was gonna change her number and delete everyone from her contact information. And she did.
A cracked started to form, it feels like shadows are slowly consuming me. "No matter" I say, wishing her luck and moving on, hoping that things didn't go the same with my two other friends.
Then covid happened.
Because of my friends out-goingness, and me being stuck with my abusive parents (even after vaccines were given out). It always became a push and pull, whenever they ask me to hang out with them, but I would always give excuses to not do so and stick to online gaming. And what a mistake that was, a mistake I've regret to this very day. I feared what would happen if they knew about my parents and the things they've done to me. I never really told them much other than telling them that, "I've had a bad childhood".
I.... I dont really know what to say here other than it is entirely my fault for pushing them away, and they ended up leaving me because of it. If I could turn back time, I'd left the house sooner and cherish my time with them more.
So, Wahidah, Izhaq and Akmal. If you are reading this.... which I doubt heavily. I hope you three can find happiness in this life and pursue whatever dream you guys strive for.
Wahidah, you were always the most artistic, smartest and open-minded out of all of us. You taught me so much that I wish I knew sooner. You taught me the joy of painting and drawing (even if it was only for a brief moment), you taught me that there exist other people who struggle in life just like me... you taught me unconditional love.
I dont know where you are anymore. I dont know if you are even still alive. Or even if our relationship is real in the first place, whether its just your bipolar speaking. But, I want to say, from the bottom of what remains of my heart, a thank you.
Izhaq, you were the wildest person I've ever met. People everywhere always refer to you as an "outsider" because of your main use of english despite born as a malay. You were the coolest person I've ever met in this strict society. Whenever I'm with you, you gave me the strenght and confidence to be who I want to be, to act how I want to act, without being shackled by Islam.... you taught me freedom. Thank you.
Akmal, I have no other word than that you were the kindest out of all of us. You were the one who helped keep our friendship together the most. I never knew of a happy family until I've met yours. And I can tell by how your parents act, their passion for anime and music, really made me see family in a new light. You showed me that I dont have to be burden by islam to enjoy what I want to enjoy and a family doesn't have to always have islam at its core to prosper. You showed me what a family is supposed to be. You taught me... hope. Thank you...
Looking back, I was never that good of a friend to any of you. Frankly, I dont think I even deserve to be that happy during that small period of time. I tried really hard to find a new friend that I can be with through thick and thin again, but I realize that people grow up too fast for me to catch up with anyone. I tried making friends in college, but no one shared the same view I have with islam. The fear that I would get lynch by society for speaking up against that religion would never get away from my head, and thus, I keep most of my relationship at surface level, never being able to deeply connect with anyone.
"Thats fine" I said, "I can just find friends online". And that I did, I ran out of options irl and resort to online communities. It was hard, especially for someone who is relatively new to the internet. But over time, I did manage to find a community that I can connect with. A small community called, "Uncletopia Asia" revolving around the awfully neglected game, Team Fortress 2.
For quite a long time, TF2 is the only thing I had in mind. I never thought a game could be this fun and have a community so welcoming. It was tough trying to connect with people in that community because of the vastly varying culture. But overall, I did find people that I could somewhat connect with and talk to quite frequently. But then I started to see the major flaw in this kind of relationship. In that, no matter how hard I try to get close to someone, I could never be "close" to them. I'll never be able to hang out with them, see their face or see how their life is like. I'll never be able to leave this shitty country, stuck and imprisoned here, never to be free. And because of how "competitive" that small community is, you'd end up being forgotten over time unless you are cracked up, have an explosive personality or a well-known figure in the community. Which I wasnt. So naturally, that didn't go as well as I hoped it to be.
There's a ton of other things I want to talk about here, like how I got forced to join an islamic cult, my mom decent into becoming an insufferable extremist muslim and all the dumb shit I did before that because of my insecurities and yearn for validation. And obviously, things I wanted to say about my siblings. But I think I'll just write those down in a paper and hope they get the memo, because right now, I just want it to be over with. I cant wait until nighttime because my parents would kick my door down if I dont wake up for pre-dawn meal or break my fast, so the only time I have is in the morning when they went to work (which is a couple hour from now).
Also, no one answered my question on whether its still viable to do partial hanging if my position switched from kneeling up to kneeling down (from losing core strength after passing out) I asked like a couple week ago,
so if I dont reply in 24-hour, just assume I'm dead or ended up as a vegetable
Ok. so, growing up I was raised quite religious. My father was an islamic priest and I've been indoctrinated and abused to follow islam ever since I was a kid. Growing up, my dad wasn't that great of a person, I could remember all the time he would beat my mom and me and my little brother when we were a kid over the most random reasons (and this is coming from the person society deemed as "the most pious/kindest"). It got so bad that he once tried to threaten me with a knife, because I would also shield myself from my siblings, which he hated because he sees me as a coward for doing so as the oldest brother. I could still remember him gaslighting me by smiling and saying "what, do you really think I'm actually gonna stab you?" and that image was ingrained in my head for the rest of my life. Years go by, I thought that if I just keep to islam and keep practicing it, i'd get his approval and finally find a way to move on from all my trauma. And I know how naive I was to think of this, besides, therapy is still a taboo back then just it is today because "how can you be depressed/have mental illness if you believe in islam? just pray to Allah bro XXXDD. muslim nowadays are so corrupted". And I won't lie, I used to have this kind of view too back in highschool. My eyes were starting to open a little when I met this girl with bipolar on the last year of highschool (in SEA, we go through 5 years of highschool) but my naive, dumbass would always act all high and mighty because I used to believe that islam is the answer to everything (its fucking not). Nonetheless, she really helped me see things in a different view even tho at some point we got into a scuffle a couple of times, but that only lasted for 2 weeks and we got back to being friends later on. Over time, I learn alot of things from her, like the people she dated in highschool throughout the years, what kind of experience they had, and I was really intriguied and sympathethic by everything that she went through. At some point, I realize that "there's no way islam could actually help someone who go through this much" and I started to become more open to being "liberal" day by day. She was also the only person I could find comfort in whenever my dad started getting mad out of nowhere and scold/beat me (yea he still do that from time to time). During this time, my mom also started becoming more religious seemingly out of the blue (indoctrination be damned) and I'd end up getting religiously blackmailed by her too.
Now, let's talk about my other friends in highschool. The two best buds I've ever known, who helped me learn english and getting accustomed to the world of the internet. There's not much to say here other than I'd probably end up as some ultra religious cult leader if it weren't for them showing me that there's more to life than islam. I dont think I'd ever discover so many fun video game and the existence of western youtubers if I had never met them, those things really helped keep me going through the darkest of days. Even after a year out of highschool, the both of them made the world a little bit easier to live in.
Now, to the not so fun part of a relationship. The breaking up.
So what exactly happen? How did my tightly knit friendship end up here, where I'm truly alone and with no hope for the future anymore? Well, for one, obviously pairing up someone with childhood trauma and someone with bipolar is gonna cause some trouble down the line. And my two male buddy were quick to point out that what my relationship with her was a little toxic. It got so bad that they would only talk to me and ignore her whenever we would go hang out together. But, she was the only person I could truly connect with, in the deepest most sincere way. She's the only one who show some care whenever I talk about the abuses I went through, although I never really know if it was genuine or just another one of her mask. But, it could just be because of the pressure society put on boys/men to bottle up their thoughts and emotions, because showing anything other than happiness is a sign that you aren't a good muslim. Anyways, things got really awkward a few months before the final year ended. I could feel that my relationship with them are slowly but surely hitting it end. I tried really hard to keep it together, hoping that we can still maybe hang out after highschool ended. I was so scared of being alone without them by my side anymore, and it doesn't help that my parents gave zero shit about what I think. But alas, right after highschool end, she told me that she was gonna change her number and delete everyone from her contact information. And she did.
A cracked started to form, it feels like shadows are slowly consuming me. "No matter" I say, wishing her luck and moving on, hoping that things didn't go the same with my two other friends.
Then covid happened.
Because of my friends out-goingness, and me being stuck with my abusive parents (even after vaccines were given out). It always became a push and pull, whenever they ask me to hang out with them, but I would always give excuses to not do so and stick to online gaming. And what a mistake that was, a mistake I've regret to this very day. I feared what would happen if they knew about my parents and the things they've done to me. I never really told them much other than telling them that, "I've had a bad childhood".
I.... I dont really know what to say here other than it is entirely my fault for pushing them away, and they ended up leaving me because of it. If I could turn back time, I'd left the house sooner and cherish my time with them more.
So, Wahidah, Izhaq and Akmal. If you are reading this.... which I doubt heavily. I hope you three can find happiness in this life and pursue whatever dream you guys strive for.
Wahidah, you were always the most artistic, smartest and open-minded out of all of us. You taught me so much that I wish I knew sooner. You taught me the joy of painting and drawing (even if it was only for a brief moment), you taught me that there exist other people who struggle in life just like me... you taught me unconditional love.
I dont know where you are anymore. I dont know if you are even still alive. Or even if our relationship is real in the first place, whether its just your bipolar speaking. But, I want to say, from the bottom of what remains of my heart, a thank you.
Izhaq, you were the wildest person I've ever met. People everywhere always refer to you as an "outsider" because of your main use of english despite born as a malay. You were the coolest person I've ever met in this strict society. Whenever I'm with you, you gave me the strenght and confidence to be who I want to be, to act how I want to act, without being shackled by Islam.... you taught me freedom. Thank you.
Akmal, I have no other word than that you were the kindest out of all of us. You were the one who helped keep our friendship together the most. I never knew of a happy family until I've met yours. And I can tell by how your parents act, their passion for anime and music, really made me see family in a new light. You showed me that I dont have to be burden by islam to enjoy what I want to enjoy and a family doesn't have to always have islam at its core to prosper. You showed me what a family is supposed to be. You taught me... hope. Thank you...
Looking back, I was never that good of a friend to any of you. Frankly, I dont think I even deserve to be that happy during that small period of time. I tried really hard to find a new friend that I can be with through thick and thin again, but I realize that people grow up too fast for me to catch up with anyone. I tried making friends in college, but no one shared the same view I have with islam. The fear that I would get lynch by society for speaking up against that religion would never get away from my head, and thus, I keep most of my relationship at surface level, never being able to deeply connect with anyone.
"Thats fine" I said, "I can just find friends online". And that I did, I ran out of options irl and resort to online communities. It was hard, especially for someone who is relatively new to the internet. But over time, I did manage to find a community that I can connect with. A small community called, "Uncletopia Asia" revolving around the awfully neglected game, Team Fortress 2.
For quite a long time, TF2 is the only thing I had in mind. I never thought a game could be this fun and have a community so welcoming. It was tough trying to connect with people in that community because of the vastly varying culture. But overall, I did find people that I could somewhat connect with and talk to quite frequently. But then I started to see the major flaw in this kind of relationship. In that, no matter how hard I try to get close to someone, I could never be "close" to them. I'll never be able to hang out with them, see their face or see how their life is like. I'll never be able to leave this shitty country, stuck and imprisoned here, never to be free. And because of how "competitive" that small community is, you'd end up being forgotten over time unless you are cracked up, have an explosive personality or a well-known figure in the community. Which I wasnt. So naturally, that didn't go as well as I hoped it to be.
There's a ton of other things I want to talk about here, like how I got forced to join an islamic cult, my mom decent into becoming an insufferable extremist muslim and all the dumb shit I did before that because of my insecurities and yearn for validation. And obviously, things I wanted to say about my siblings. But I think I'll just write those down in a paper and hope they get the memo, because right now, I just want it to be over with. I cant wait until nighttime because my parents would kick my door down if I dont wake up for pre-dawn meal or break my fast, so the only time I have is in the morning when they went to work (which is a couple hour from now).
Also, no one answered my question on whether its still viable to do partial hanging if my position switched from kneeling up to kneeling down (from losing core strength after passing out) I asked like a couple week ago,
so if I dont reply in 24-hour, just assume I'm dead or ended up as a vegetable
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