Today is my Birthday, it's also my ctb day.
2 years ago I set this day in the future to be my Good-bye CTB day.
The future has arrived. This is to be my last day.
Life as always can bring changes to you not expected or wanted but it gives you little choice or none.
32 Months ago I was told to prepare myself for a very hard painful struggle as my diagnosis / illness was closing in on me and even though it had been slow to almost stopped for long time it was always there. So what to do about that.
I made my plan and set my date.
With the hope I could make it to that date started my last journey.
I wanted to leave here with the knowledge that I made a difference and maybe gave someone something to hope for. I had none for myself.
When I started to lose more and more of my hearing and the headaches and pain started up again my blood becoming my own enemy.
I knew I had to do something.
I started classes for ASL. American Sign Language.
I made it my one single goal to learn it because speaking no longer would be my main way to communicate.
I graduated from that Deaf School and became Deaf myself.
Ironic but it also gave me what I wanted to do before leaving here.
Give to someone something that would change their life. Allow them to communicate with others.
When I had been a hearing person I never really knew how lucky I was to hear. Yeah taken for granted by almost everyone.
I started teaching ASL and even started working with a Deaf friend who had a group that meets 2 times a month with College students taking Sign Language at school. We would help them and I even started tutoring some who really needed help.
Some were hearing and some were hard of hearing and a few were becoming Deaf. They were all thankful I took the time out of my life and days to help them. Meet with them anytime. Teach them.
Behind that though was also my own knowledge that I would soon be gone and now I no longer had a need or want to do anything more. This served the desire to leave here knowing I might have made a difference for someone.
I have a girlfriend but I ended it. I could not keep my past or plans for my future from her. She learned of my days in alt.suicide.holiday when I told her about it and to read the newspaper files at the library. I was in the news a few times for my activities in that newsgroup.
She still wanted to hold onto me. ????
Anyway, that brings me to now.
There is a lot to be said and yet nothing that will make this any better.
Today is my Birthday, I have arrived and it isn't the place I was supposed to be now.
See I took a chance on new medication.
Become a guinea pig for science and medicine they said and maybe give hope to someone else in the future.
Sure why not? What did I have to lose?
So I started a trial and entered a program to test the new medication.
It continues.
But I lied a little because before I agreed I asked a lot of questions and said I would need to think about it. They gave me 3 days or lose my spot.
I didn't need the 3 days though. They told me if it fails for me or if I get better but then fails or whatever happens in the end I get Nembutal and some other meds to help stop the suffering. To End my own life alone. See I would qualify for that.
My Dr says I qualify anyway but with too many hoops and loops to jump through. Now I don't have to worry about that.
My illness is Fatal. No cure. But this new treatment to buy time and little life.
Now I don't know what will happen but Today is my Birthday and I am still here. But .........
I am tired.
I am Sick!
I am suffering.
I am in pain,
I am alone.
Wish you ALL Peace.
2 years ago I set this day in the future to be my Good-bye CTB day.
The future has arrived. This is to be my last day.
Life as always can bring changes to you not expected or wanted but it gives you little choice or none.
32 Months ago I was told to prepare myself for a very hard painful struggle as my diagnosis / illness was closing in on me and even though it had been slow to almost stopped for long time it was always there. So what to do about that.
I made my plan and set my date.
With the hope I could make it to that date started my last journey.
I wanted to leave here with the knowledge that I made a difference and maybe gave someone something to hope for. I had none for myself.
When I started to lose more and more of my hearing and the headaches and pain started up again my blood becoming my own enemy.
I knew I had to do something.
I started classes for ASL. American Sign Language.
I made it my one single goal to learn it because speaking no longer would be my main way to communicate.
I graduated from that Deaf School and became Deaf myself.
Ironic but it also gave me what I wanted to do before leaving here.
Give to someone something that would change their life. Allow them to communicate with others.
When I had been a hearing person I never really knew how lucky I was to hear. Yeah taken for granted by almost everyone.
I started teaching ASL and even started working with a Deaf friend who had a group that meets 2 times a month with College students taking Sign Language at school. We would help them and I even started tutoring some who really needed help.
Some were hearing and some were hard of hearing and a few were becoming Deaf. They were all thankful I took the time out of my life and days to help them. Meet with them anytime. Teach them.
Behind that though was also my own knowledge that I would soon be gone and now I no longer had a need or want to do anything more. This served the desire to leave here knowing I might have made a difference for someone.
I have a girlfriend but I ended it. I could not keep my past or plans for my future from her. She learned of my days in alt.suicide.holiday when I told her about it and to read the newspaper files at the library. I was in the news a few times for my activities in that newsgroup.
She still wanted to hold onto me. ????
Anyway, that brings me to now.
There is a lot to be said and yet nothing that will make this any better.
Today is my Birthday, I have arrived and it isn't the place I was supposed to be now.
See I took a chance on new medication.
Become a guinea pig for science and medicine they said and maybe give hope to someone else in the future.
Sure why not? What did I have to lose?
So I started a trial and entered a program to test the new medication.
It continues.
But I lied a little because before I agreed I asked a lot of questions and said I would need to think about it. They gave me 3 days or lose my spot.
I didn't need the 3 days though. They told me if it fails for me or if I get better but then fails or whatever happens in the end I get Nembutal and some other meds to help stop the suffering. To End my own life alone. See I would qualify for that.
My Dr says I qualify anyway but with too many hoops and loops to jump through. Now I don't have to worry about that.
My illness is Fatal. No cure. But this new treatment to buy time and little life.
Now I don't know what will happen but Today is my Birthday and I am still here. But .........
I am tired.
I am Sick!
I am suffering.
I am in pain,
I am alone.
Wish you ALL Peace.
