Hi, everyone. I've been viewing the site on and off for some years now and recently decided to finally make an account to be able to interact. It feels odd typing like this lol but I guess the point of this post is to share a bit of my story and my outlook on life to anyone who cares and maybe find some others who can relate?
There isn't much to really say about myself. I'm very boring. I don't smoke or drink. I'm super anti-social so I hate partying. I don't really enjoy any social settings. I'm highly irritable and don't get along with many others as they annoy me fairly easily. I'm sure it goes without saying that I have a very hard time relating and engaging with other early-20 college students. Speaking of, I just began my 5th year of a 4-year program, so I don't exactly feel great about myself or that I'm on the path to success. I've always struggled building bonds and connecting with people, until I got to the point where I no longer desired to build any connections. I don't really value relationships with friends, family, etc. In the past few years, I've been told I have extreme social anxiety, anger issues rooted in deep depression, and I believe I have OCD but don't wanna claim that when I haven't been diagnosed.
Sorry for the yap session. Anyway last year I met a girl, really nice, pretty, funny, and most importantly I felt a genuine connection and built a real relationship with her. One of very few people I legitimately get along with. We started dating earlier this year. Sounds great, right? And it was, until I decided to be a jackass and fuck it all up. Out of the blue, I broke up with her a few months in, and I still don't really know why. I really hurt her deeply and completely destroyed her trust. After some talking, we planned on both trying to repair our relationship and do it over. That was until a few days ago, when she decided she no longer wanted to try getting back together, and ultimately I found my way back to SS. I don't seek pity or anything, and I don't hate her or harbor bad feelings toward her. I respect her a great deal and still hold lots and lots of love for her. We were madly in love, and I randomly decided to throw it all away for no fucking reason at all. Fuck me. I always do dumb shit like this. Get something good going, find a great place in my life, and ruin it. Atp I think subconsciously I'm destined to ruin anything good I have in life and keep myself miserable. I am fully convinced my destiny is eternal misery. I love to say I hate people, and I do, but I really hate myself more than I could ever hate anyone else. Over the last few days, my depression has gotten worse. I can't stop thinking about her, how I threw away something and someone so great for literally no good reason. Think about what she's doing, who she's talking to, does she even give a fuck about me anymore. I can't even look at the pictures she posts because I start thinking about how many other people are giving her attention. I know she will definitely find love again at some point, probably sooner than she realizes, but I don't think I ever will. And honestly? I don't think I ever should. I know I'm going to cause someone the same hurt I caused her, and double it back to myself, so what the fuck is even the point? My brain is seriously fucking me. I can't even keep a straight line of thought while typing this because there's so much on my mind. For a long long time I've been suffering and known that all I really want out of life, is death. I wish I could skip past all this bullshit and get straight to the end already. I really really want this to all be over with, but my only issue is I don't want to do it myself. I want someone else to do it for me. Maybe paying a pro to do it? Stepping out in front of a train? I really don't want to do it myself, for fear I'll mess that up too and end up worse than I was before. But damn if this ain't the closest I've ever been to doing it. I feel like I really am truly considering CTB more seriously than I ever have before. Maybe I will get through this. Maybe my life will get better. But at this point in time, I have no desire to do anything to make it better.
Sorry for the long post. I'll probably post some more about some other things I decide to vent more about that I glossed over earlier, but yeah. Also sorry this turned into a woe is me sappy ass crybaby rant about my tragic love life. It was meant to be more than that but I got tired of typing. To anyone who cares to read, thanks for allowing me to vent to you. I hope to interact with you all some more soon and wish peace for every one of you, no matter how you find it.
There isn't much to really say about myself. I'm very boring. I don't smoke or drink. I'm super anti-social so I hate partying. I don't really enjoy any social settings. I'm highly irritable and don't get along with many others as they annoy me fairly easily. I'm sure it goes without saying that I have a very hard time relating and engaging with other early-20 college students. Speaking of, I just began my 5th year of a 4-year program, so I don't exactly feel great about myself or that I'm on the path to success. I've always struggled building bonds and connecting with people, until I got to the point where I no longer desired to build any connections. I don't really value relationships with friends, family, etc. In the past few years, I've been told I have extreme social anxiety, anger issues rooted in deep depression, and I believe I have OCD but don't wanna claim that when I haven't been diagnosed.
Sorry for the yap session. Anyway last year I met a girl, really nice, pretty, funny, and most importantly I felt a genuine connection and built a real relationship with her. One of very few people I legitimately get along with. We started dating earlier this year. Sounds great, right? And it was, until I decided to be a jackass and fuck it all up. Out of the blue, I broke up with her a few months in, and I still don't really know why. I really hurt her deeply and completely destroyed her trust. After some talking, we planned on both trying to repair our relationship and do it over. That was until a few days ago, when she decided she no longer wanted to try getting back together, and ultimately I found my way back to SS. I don't seek pity or anything, and I don't hate her or harbor bad feelings toward her. I respect her a great deal and still hold lots and lots of love for her. We were madly in love, and I randomly decided to throw it all away for no fucking reason at all. Fuck me. I always do dumb shit like this. Get something good going, find a great place in my life, and ruin it. Atp I think subconsciously I'm destined to ruin anything good I have in life and keep myself miserable. I am fully convinced my destiny is eternal misery. I love to say I hate people, and I do, but I really hate myself more than I could ever hate anyone else. Over the last few days, my depression has gotten worse. I can't stop thinking about her, how I threw away something and someone so great for literally no good reason. Think about what she's doing, who she's talking to, does she even give a fuck about me anymore. I can't even look at the pictures she posts because I start thinking about how many other people are giving her attention. I know she will definitely find love again at some point, probably sooner than she realizes, but I don't think I ever will. And honestly? I don't think I ever should. I know I'm going to cause someone the same hurt I caused her, and double it back to myself, so what the fuck is even the point? My brain is seriously fucking me. I can't even keep a straight line of thought while typing this because there's so much on my mind. For a long long time I've been suffering and known that all I really want out of life, is death. I wish I could skip past all this bullshit and get straight to the end already. I really really want this to all be over with, but my only issue is I don't want to do it myself. I want someone else to do it for me. Maybe paying a pro to do it? Stepping out in front of a train? I really don't want to do it myself, for fear I'll mess that up too and end up worse than I was before. But damn if this ain't the closest I've ever been to doing it. I feel like I really am truly considering CTB more seriously than I ever have before. Maybe I will get through this. Maybe my life will get better. But at this point in time, I have no desire to do anything to make it better.
Sorry for the long post. I'll probably post some more about some other things I decide to vent more about that I glossed over earlier, but yeah. Also sorry this turned into a woe is me sappy ass crybaby rant about my tragic love life. It was meant to be more than that but I got tired of typing. To anyone who cares to read, thanks for allowing me to vent to you. I hope to interact with you all some more soon and wish peace for every one of you, no matter how you find it.
