to stay or to leave to live or to die

[todaywasgod]

day by day constant reminders i will never receive what ive chased my whole life. maybe i dont want it bad enough, maybe i want it too badly, maybe im not fighting hard enough, maybe im just incapable of it. the bane of my existence abandoned me today
he said we'd talk in the morning but i already know whats going to happen. ive tried to leave myself to feel some sort of control over the inevitable but i didnt have the strength, i just run back every single time. im not a strong person.
im not a good person either
ive done horrible things to shut him in with me, to make him stay, but it was pointless
i only trapped myself in the process and now i have to deal with the consequences
i tore down every single wall i put up to protect myself because i thought maybe this time would be different but its always the same ending, ill never make that mistake again, i wont even give myself the chance to.
i want to delay the inevitable, i dont even wanna be there to see it
all of the control i had over everything is gone
i gave it all to him because i trusted him with it
i just want something or someone that can be all mine but it isnt possible
i want to ctb before he wakes up and leaves but i havent got the time or privacy, i just know i have to go and now
i feel like the world is falling apart

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

big hugs your way I am so sorry were hurting this way, and goodness, I hope you have the peace you want soon away from this pain of hardships, even while being in a relationship :(( I get the feeling and wonder about my ex a lot especially when he was 'concerned' for me… ):

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I felt the same way with the ex-wife. I felt so much better after ending it with her. Sadly though, my depression and anxiety still remained with me.

I did start dating again, but after the crap with the ex, I just couldn't go through the possibility of knowing that this relationship could go the same way, so I ended it. Been single ever since.

 

[todaywasgod]

to disconnect would just make me more miserable, i want a gentle love and that desire outweighs the pain of leaving
but it will always hurt and its finally won