Discussion To people who stayed here for very long. Why did you stay here on the forums? What's your story? What are you up to now?

[black_blooded_heart]

Questions like in the thread title. Of course, you don't need to answer all of them or even any, if you don't wish to.

I ask, and I'm of course curious about answer from anyone who stayed here for long, but I'm especially curious about persons with like 1000+ messages.

What's your reason for staying on the forums for long? I can have some guesses, but would rather hear your answers and opinions, than falsely judge and think about it myself before.


Have at very least a bearable day. cheers

 

[daruino]

Hai, my account seems new but I first came on this forum in 2023. I had to delete my account for safety reasons, and now
I'm back on this one.

Suicide is a very big part of my life; I know I will eventually die by suicide, though I don't know when. For now I am trying to hold on, see if things work out but I still feel suicidal/think about suicide every day. Because this is not something I can share with people IRL, I like to come here, it feels less lonely. I think in many ways this forum has served as a source of solace, because the thoughts are unbearable to deal with alone. This is why I have stayed on the forum for so long.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I found out about the forum after searching for suicide methods. It's surprising I hadn't found it before- seeing as I have looked for methods at varying points throughout my life.

But yeah- came here looking for methods and pretty much immediately applied for membership because I found the posts here looked really interesting and I immediately wanted to participate.

I've been ready to go with a method for a few years now but I have always wanted to wait until my closest loved ones died first. My Dad is the last one remaining.

I use the forum as a crutch to help me get through what I hope will be the last leg of my life marathon. I feel able to be pretty much entirely myself here while receiving support and not so much judgement.

If I told real life people, I imagine I would be met with a mixture of dumb platitides- because they just want to change the subject. Frustration- because they don't want to hear such negativity all the time.

Worst of all though- I think they would feel intense worry and guilt. That I may suicide. That I'm so unhappy. That (in the case of my family,) their actions contributed to this. I don't want them to feel that because- it wasn't exactly malicious. Plus, there's nothing they can do to change the past or help now. So- all I would end up doing is feeling worried and guilty that I had made them feel worried and guilty.

That would actually be a comparatively better reaction than I think some people have received after making people aware of their ideation. People here have literally been abandoned before by people who simply didn't want to deal with them. I think criticizers of this forum have no clue about how real life 'normal' people react to those who reveal they are suicidal.

For me, the forum has been an incredible community, a great tool- in advising what methods not to try (and likely fail at,) plus, a way to engage and distract my mind and air my thoughts with sympathetic people while I wait for the time I feel able to go.

 

[Tautochrome]

I'm planning, scheming, waiting for opportunities and up to mischief

 

[_Gollum_]

About 2 weeks before my first attempt, I found SaSu while doing research on a method. I browsed a bit as a guest, but didn't feel the need to participate since I was going soon. Lo and behold, my attempt failed, and I was forcibly put in a psych ward. They gave me access to my phone though, luckily, so it was then that I created an account and started participating. I started spending a lot of time here, as it was the only place I felt understood, and the only place where I could speak openly about my feelings and not be met with derision or concern. I didn't think I'd be here long though, as I started scheming for another attempt as soon as mine failed.

The next two attempts also failed, and at that point I kind of threw in the towel and committed to life for at least another four months, during which time I planned to try to get my hands on a more reliable method (which I did indeed end up acquiring).

That was almost two years ago now.

But it's not because I "recovered" or found something to live for. It's because I became too numb to feel the kind of suffering that pushed me to attempt. I guess you could say it's a good thing that I'm no longer in such deep despair as I was then, but in fact I lament it. Now I feel trapped, in limbo, as many of us here are. Too sad to live, but not sad enough to CTB. I don't visit as much as I used to, but I still keep coming back because it's nice to have a community of people who feel similarly to me and who can relate.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

ive been here lurking since 2019. originally it was morbid curiosity though i was passively suicidal. around the time i joined is when i was actively planning and wanting to go through with it after many failed attempts to integrate into working life and society. looking for resources, basically.

i have had a series of tumultuous relationships from people with here, romantic or otherwise, sometimes grey, but always abusive except for one. mind you i wasnt looking for that, but men cornered me anyway. im too codependent to leave as this is my only social outlet, even thougj i feel the quality has declined so much theres nothing left for me. i feel afraid to vent here because ive only ever gotten assholes finger wagging at me at my worst, so i don't really know whats kept me around other than ive been here so long its just part of my identity and im a loser with too much time on my hands. thats really it, i check offtopic occasionally, archived the hanging info, and vent on my profile occasionally because im very impulsive and lonely and isolated.

as to why my post count is so low after all this time, im very much a quality over quantity person. and in the last few years there have been very few threads i found worth replying to. most of my post history are long replies about societal issues, philosophy, or the state of things as well as advice to stuff im knowledgeable about. i may shitpost sometimes but i generally dislike one word replies and low quality threads.

i also dont share this often, but i married someone i met here. he wasnt ever an active member and isnt someone anyone would know of, but that's probably a little bit part of my emotional attachment. he no longer uses the site and was very briefly even here, we just happened to message each other one day and quickly moved off platform.

as to what i am now, a for all intents and purposes disabled and isolated housewife with a marginally better life. still struggling, still suicidial, but living for now. had someone from here (banned) corner me into a fucked up thing where i was sexually abused and taken advantage of even irl once due to my own codependency and FP shit so im trying to heal from that.

 

[trying ungracefully]

I know this account doesn't show it but I have been on here a few years.

At first it was a place for comfort for my hardest times and where I was able to find SN if I need it. I found it from that one article and it was just a good thing added to my life. No one in my life wants to/can be weighed down by my thoughts and emotions all the time so this was a place to do it, even if there is no interaction it still helps feeling seen. I also like it because I don't have to censor my talk about suicide like most other online spaces require.

Now it is for me to have a space to recover and I feel like I just like how people are on here more. It's not an upbeat positive recovery section if you get what I am trying to say. People are just real and don't try and fake anything it seems and give genuine responses that didn't come from chat gpt basically. Like if you go to another site like reddit it is way different especially because so many more people use it. That's also why I stay on here, I don't like feeling seen too much even online so it is nice that not a whole bunch of people use it and share other people's posts.

Maybe one day I'll stop using it when I fully recover but for now I like being able to respond to people and post what I can without feeling the need to censor too much, I only censor if it is private.

 

[day]

going to keep this short as i feel it's all i state anywhere but yeah, here we go.

i joined at certainly the lowest point in my life and was dedicated to ending it. failed twice via od and once SI. i frequently SH'd and took part in destructive behaviors at that point (around when i had signed up). a few months down the line i'd still be around just helping our old and now defunct telegram and then eventually became a mod here. still hell bent on taking my own life time would pass till i fell i'll and had a near death experience.

after spending months in the hospital suffering from sickness that i thought would be the end i started feeling better (health wise).. i was let out after two months with a whole new perspective on life.

i started recovery. doctors, therapists, pyschs, the whole nine yards and it worked. i'm so thankful to say i've recovered but that doesn't mean i lost that part of me. i know now how fragile my thoughts are and how easily it could be to fall back into that place. i stick around because this was where my people we're during the worst times of my life. as much as people like to harp on this forum for being bad i'm a massive example of someone it helped. having this community was therapy for me and i think for many others. i'll be around for awhile longer, i see no reason to leave despite being better. and no i'm not desensitized. modding a forum like this tugs at the heart very often. you see and hear the most fucked up shit sometimes but nonetheless at this moment i'm more focused on just being positive where necessary and providing our users with a safe space.

other than that yah, i should be off this site. it's just really important to me.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Joined to find a method, wanted to ctb 31 December 2024. Could only get SN in June 2025. Went from actively suicidal to passive and depressed. Still think about ctb every day. Waiting for one last detail for affairs to be finalised. I have the means and the method, but also a small hope in a future. A lot has changed since joining, and SaSu has become more than just a place to discuss a method. It has become my safe place and I would be lost without this forum.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

At first, I hesitantly joined the site after learning it existed from a documentary, I was afraid of joining at first because of negative experiences in the past with disclosing my suicidal feelings with others. I was a lurker on the previous Reddit community, and had no idea this site popped up after the subreddit was banned. I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old- so now for over half of my life, if you can believe it- and morbid curiosity lead me to frequently research this topic, not just trying to scour for resources/methods to help me, but because I found it cathartic and less isolating to see others discussing the same pain I experience, and I wanted to participate in those conversations too.

Initially, I was looking for methods, but was also extremely lonely and had no one to talk to besides my abusive husband, especially since I joined during the peak of COVID lockdowns. I ended up meeting several people here that I got on with well and developing friendships with them. There are certain people here who I feel can really understand what I am going through, that I've never really found anywhere else.

Over time, some of those people have disappeared, some have passed, and the overall feeling I get visiting here is different than back then. I think I am clinging too hard to ephemeral memories and time- time that's long since past and is never going to come back. During that period, it wasn't as difficult to obtain certain methods, but now everything is even more highly regulated and kept under lock and key, it feels like.

So my guaranteed way out is gone now, my SN that I had obtained years ago got taken and thrown out without my knowledge, and I haven't found a way to get more. Learning about new methods is another reason why I stick around, even though many of the people I talked to don't post here anymore or are no longer in this world. I am very lonely in real life and have no one to talk to or socialise with anymore, so this place is always a lifeline in the back of my mind.

I am still suicidal, as I have been for many years. I know some people think your feelings are less valid if they have persisted, but I've been suffering terrible anguish for years and I don't know when I will find the courage to end this nightmare that's been going on far too long. That's why I'm still here, not for some altruistic reason or dreams I haven't achieved, but truly out of fear.

 

[Awesomefoid67]

Questions like in the thread title. Of course, you don't need to answer all of them or even any, if you don't wish to.

I ask, and I'm of course curious about answer from anyone who stayed here for long, but I'm especially curious about persons with like 1000+ messages.

What's your reason for staying on the forums for long? I can have some guesses, but would rather hear your answers and opinions, than falsely judge and think about it myself before.


Have at very least a bearable day. cheers

personally i've changed my mind between ctbing and not doing it but this is still a good place to find support