Discussion To people who stayed here for very long. Why did you stay here on the forums? What's your story? What are you up to now?

[black_blooded_heart]

Questions like in the thread title. Of course, you don't need to answer all of them or even any, if you don't wish to.

I ask, and I'm of course curious about answer from anyone who stayed here for long, but I'm especially curious about persons with like 1000+ messages.

What's your reason for staying on the forums for long? I can have some guesses, but would rather hear your answers and opinions, than falsely judge and think about it myself before.


Have at very least a bearable day. cheers

 

[daruino]

Hai, my account seems new but I first came on this forum in 2023. I had to delete my account for safety reasons, and now
I'm back on this one.

Suicide is a very big part of my life; I know I will eventually die by suicide, though I don't know when. For now I am trying to hold on, see if things work out but I still feel suicidal/think about suicide every day. Because this is not something I can share with people IRL, I like to come here, it feels less lonely. I think in many ways this forum has served as a source of solace, because the thoughts are unbearable to deal with alone. This is why I have stayed on the forum for so long.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I found out about the forum after searching for suicide methods. It's surprising I hadn't found it before- seeing as I have looked for methods at varying points throughout my life.

But yeah- came here looking for methods and pretty much immediately applied for membership because I found the posts here looked really interesting and I immediately wanted to participate.

I've been ready to go with a method for a few years now but I have always wanted to wait until my closest loved ones died first. My Dad is the last one remaining.

I use the forum as a crutch to help me get through what I hope will be the last leg of my life marathon. I feel able to be pretty much entirely myself here while receiving support and not so much judgement.

If I told real life people, I imagine I would be met with a mixture of dumb platitides- because they just want to change the subject. Frustration- because they don't want to hear such negativity all the time.

Worst of all though- I think they would feel intense worry and guilt. That I may suicide. That I'm so unhappy. That (in the case of my family,) their actions contributed to this. I don't want them to feel that because- it wasn't exactly malicious. Plus, there's nothing they can do to change the past or help now. So- all I would end up doing is feeling worried and guilty that I had made them feel worried and guilty.

That would actually be a comparatively better reaction than I think some people have received after making people aware of their ideation. People here have literally been abandoned before by people who simply didn't want to deal with them. I think criticizers of this forum have no clue about how real life 'normal' people react to those who reveal they are suicidal.

For me, the forum has been an incredible community, a great tool- in advising what methods not to try (and likely fail at,) plus, a way to engage and distract my mind and air my thoughts with sympathetic people while I wait for the time I feel able to go.

 

[Tautochrome]

I'm planning, scheming, waiting for opportunities and up to mischief

 

[_Gollum_]

About 2 weeks before my first attempt, I found SaSu while doing research on a method. I browsed a bit as a guest, but didn't feel the need to participate since I was going soon. Lo and behold, my attempt failed, and I was forcibly put in a psych ward. They gave me access to my phone though, luckily, so it was then that I created an account and started participating. I started spending a lot of time here, as it was the only place I felt understood, and the only place where I could speak openly about my feelings and not be met with derision or concern. I didn't think I'd be here long though, as I started scheming for another attempt as soon as mine failed.

The next two attempts also failed, and at that point I kind of threw in the towel and committed to life for at least another four months, during which time I planned to try to get my hands on a more reliable method (which I did indeed end up acquiring).

That was almost two years ago now.

But it's not because I "recovered" or found something to live for. It's because I became too numb to feel the kind of suffering that pushed me to attempt. I guess you could say it's a good thing that I'm no longer in such deep despair as I was then, but in fact I lament it. Now I feel trapped, in limbo, as many of us here are. Too sad to live, but not sad enough to CTB. I don't visit as much as I used to, but I still keep coming back because it's nice to have a community of people who feel similarly to me and who can relate.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

ive been here lurking since 2019. originally it was morbid curiosity though i was passively suicidal. around the time i joined is when i was actively planning and wanting to go through with it after many failed attempts to integrate into working life and society. looking for resources, basically.

i have had a series of tumultuous relationships from people with here, romantic or otherwise, sometimes grey, but always abusive except for one. mind you i wasnt looking for that, but men cornered me anyway. im too codependent to leave as this is my only social outlet, even thougj i feel the quality has declined so much theres nothing left for me. i feel afraid to vent here because ive only ever gotten assholes finger wagging at me at my worst, so i don't really know whats kept me around other than ive been here so long its just part of my identity and im a loser with too much time on my hands. thats really it, i check offtopic occasionally, archived the hanging info, and vent on my profile occasionally because im very impulsive and lonely and isolated.

as to why my post count is so low after all this time, im very much a quality over quantity person. and in the last few years there have been very few threads i found worth replying to. most of my post history are long replies about societal issues, philosophy, or the state of things as well as advice to stuff im knowledgeable about. i may shitpost sometimes but i generally dislike one word replies and low quality threads.

i also dont share this often, but i married someone i met here. he wasnt ever an active member and isnt someone anyone would know of, but that's probably a little bit part of my emotional attachment. he no longer uses the site and was very briefly even here, we just happened to message each other one day and quickly moved off platform.

as to what i am now, a for all intents and purposes disabled and isolated housewife with a marginally better life. still struggling, still suicidial, but living for now. had someone from here (banned) corner me into a fucked up thing where i was sexually abused and taken advantage of even irl once due to my own codependency and FP shit so im trying to heal from that.

 

[trying ungracefully]

I know this account doesn't show it but I have been on here a few years.

At first it was a place for comfort for my hardest times and where I was able to find SN if I need it. I found it from that one article and it was just a good thing added to my life. No one in my life wants to/can be weighed down by my thoughts and emotions all the time so this was a place to do it, even if there is no interaction it still helps feeling seen. I also like it because I don't have to censor my talk about suicide like most other online spaces require.

Now it is for me to have a space to recover and I feel like I just like how people are on here more. It's not an upbeat positive recovery section if you get what I am trying to say. People are just real and don't try and fake anything it seems and give genuine responses that didn't come from chat gpt basically. Like if you go to another site like reddit it is way different especially because so many more people use it. That's also why I stay on here, I don't like feeling seen too much even online so it is nice that not a whole bunch of people use it and share other people's posts.

Maybe one day I'll stop using it when I fully recover but for now I like being able to respond to people and post what I can without feeling the need to censor too much, I only censor if it is private.

 

[day]

going to keep this short as i feel it's all i state anywhere but yeah, here we go.

i joined at certainly the lowest point in my life and was dedicated to ending it. failed twice via od and once SI. i frequently SH'd and took part in destructive behaviors at that point (around when i had signed up). a few months down the line i'd still be around just helping our old and now defunct telegram and then eventually became a mod here. still hell bent on taking my own life time would pass till i fell i'll and had a near death experience.

after spending months in the hospital suffering from sickness that i thought would be the end i started feeling better (health wise).. i was let out after two months with a whole new perspective on life.

i started recovery. doctors, therapists, pyschs, the whole nine yards and it worked. i'm so thankful to say i've recovered but that doesn't mean i lost that part of me. i know now how fragile my thoughts are and how easily it could be to fall back into that place. i stick around because this was where my people we're during the worst times of my life. as much as people like to harp on this forum for being bad i'm a massive example of someone it helped. having this community was therapy for me and i think for many others. i'll be around for awhile longer, i see no reason to leave despite being better. and no i'm not desensitized. modding a forum like this tugs at the heart very often. you see and hear the most fucked up shit sometimes but nonetheless at this moment i'm more focused on just being positive where necessary and providing our users with a safe space.

other than that yah, i should be off this site. it's just really important to me.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Joined to find a method, wanted to ctb 31 December 2024. Could only get SN in June 2025. Went from actively suicidal to passive and depressed. Still think about ctb every day. Waiting for one last detail for affairs to be finalised. I have the means and the method, but also a small hope in a future. A lot has changed since joining, and SaSu has become more than just a place to discuss a method. It has become my safe place and I would be lost without this forum.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

At first, I hesitantly joined the site after learning it existed from a documentary, I was afraid of joining at first because of negative experiences in the past with disclosing my suicidal feelings with others. I was a lurker on the previous Reddit community, and had no idea this site popped up after the subreddit was banned. I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old- so now for over half of my life, if you can believe it- and morbid curiosity lead me to frequently research this topic, not just trying to scour for resources/methods to help me, but because I found it cathartic and less isolating to see others discussing the same pain I experience, and I wanted to participate in those conversations too.

Initially, I was looking for methods, but was also extremely lonely and had no one to talk to besides my abusive husband, especially since I joined during the peak of COVID lockdowns. I ended up meeting several people here that I got on with well and developing friendships with them. There are certain people here who I feel can really understand what I am going through, that I've never really found anywhere else.

Over time, some of those people have disappeared, some have passed, and the overall feeling I get visiting here is different than back then. I think I am clinging too hard to ephemeral memories and time- time that's long since past and is never going to come back. During that period, it wasn't as difficult to obtain certain methods, but now everything is even more highly regulated and kept under lock and key, it feels like.

So my guaranteed way out is gone now, my SN that I had obtained years ago got taken and thrown out without my knowledge, and I haven't found a way to get more. Learning about new methods is another reason why I stick around, even though many of the people I talked to don't post here anymore or are no longer in this world. I am very lonely in real life and have no one to talk to or socialise with anymore, so this place is always a lifeline in the back of my mind.

I am still suicidal, as I have been for many years. I know some people think your feelings are less valid if they have persisted, but I've been suffering terrible anguish for years and I don't know when I will find the courage to end this nightmare that's been going on far too long. That's why I'm still here, not for some altruistic reason or dreams I haven't achieved, but truly out of fear.

 

[Awesomefoid67]

Questions like in the thread title. Of course, you don't need to answer all of them or even any, if you don't wish to.

I ask, and I'm of course curious about answer from anyone who stayed here for long, but I'm especially curious about persons with like 1000+ messages.

What's your reason for staying on the forums for long? I can have some guesses, but would rather hear your answers and opinions, than falsely judge and think about it myself before.


Have at very least a bearable day. cheers

personally i've changed my mind between ctbing and not doing it but this is still a good place to find support

 

[black_blooded_heart]

I feel able to be pretty much entirely myself here while receiving support and not so much judgement.

If I told real life people, I imagine I would be met with a mixture of dumb platitides- because they just want to change the subject. Frustration- because they don't want to hear such negativity all the time.

Worst of all though- I think they would feel intense worry and guilt. That I may suicide. That I'm so unhappy. That (in the case of my family,) their actions contributed to this. I don't want them to feel that because- it wasn't exactly malicious. Plus, there's nothing they can do to change the past or help now. So- all I would end up doing is feeling worried and guilty that I had made them feel worried and guilty.

I think criticizers of this forum have no clue about how real life 'normal' people react to those who reveal they are suicidal.

For me, the forum has been an incredible community, a great tool- in advising what methods not to try (and likely fail at,) plus, a way to engage and distract my mind and air my thoughts with sympathetic people

@Forever Sleep

I still keep coming back because it's nice to have a community of people who feel similarly to me and who can relate.

trapped, in limbo, as many of us here are. Too sad to live, but not sad enough to CTB.

@_Gollum_

No one . . . wants to/can be weighed down by my thoughts and emotions all the time so this was a place to do it, even if there is no interaction it still helps feeling seen. I also like it because I don't have to censor my talk about suicide like most other online spaces require.

. . . I feel like I just like how people are on here more. It's not an upbeat positive recovery section if you get what I am trying to say. People are just real and don't try and fake anything it seems and give genuine responses that didn't come from chat gpt basically. Like if you go to another site like reddit it is way different especially because so many more people use it. That's also why I stay on here, I don't like feeling seen too much even online so it is nice that not a whole bunch of people use it and share other people's posts.

Maybe one day I'll stop using it when I fully recover but for now I like being able to respond to people and post what I can without feeling the need to censor too much, I only censor if it is private.

@trying ungracefully

i know now how fragile my thoughts are and how easily it could be to fall back into that place. i stick around because this was where my people we're during the worst times of my life. as much as people like to harp on this forum for being bad i'm a massive example of someone it helped. having this community was therapy for me and i think for many others.

@day

personally i've changed my mind between ctbing and not doing it but this is still a good place to find support

@Awesomefoid67 , if that's something what you really want to go for, I wish you a lot of luck!

I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old- so now for over half of my life, if you can believe it- and morbid curiosity lead me to frequently research this topic, not just trying to scour for resources/methods to help me, but because I found it cathartic and less isolating to see others discussing the same pain I experience, and I wanted to participate in those conversations too.

Same, I have had it from young age, like since around 13 years old too.

I ended up meeting several people here that I got on with well and developing friendships with them. There are certain people here who I feel can really understand what I am going through, that I've never really found anywhere else.

"I ended up meeting several people here that I got on with well and developing friendships with them", I wish myself the same, but desperation for that in place like this is very unsafe and like one of the worst things to do. I only made a post on Make A Friend megathread so far, but I can't even dm yet, so... But in general, besides that I take a lot of precautions and go careful, cautiously and slow with these things here - and I really encourage others to do the same for the sake of safety and finding the actual right people.

I think I am clinging too hard to ephemeral memories and time

Yeah, I understand you. I really have the tendency to do that as well...
@KuriGohan&Kamehameha

^ I personally relate to all these mentioned above quotes the most (Just really wanted to reply to some of you).

Other things:

i see no reason to leave despite being better. and no i'm not desensitized. modding a forum like this tugs at the heart very often. you see and hear the most fucked up shit sometimes but nonetheless at this moment i'm more focused on just being positive where necessary and providing our users with a safe space.

other than that yah, i should be off this site. it's just really important to me.

We (at least me) really appreciate people like you (especially as a mod) here . . . At the same time, don't forget about yourself and your recovery (which you have already decided on), because as long as you don't want to go full on altruist mode, you may, I mean, especially while being a mod and seeing more stuff than an average user... The good middle ground could maybe be becoming a regular but honorable user? (Sorry, I feel really weird giving advice to someone being longer and having more knowledge about this place, but I mean no harm, but just some help to other person)

i started recovery. doctors, therapists, pyschs, the whole nine yards and it worked. i'm so thankful to say i've recovered but that doesn't mean i lost that part of me.

@day , out of curiosity, do you ever mention or reveal that you use (or maybe even mention being a mod) on this website to the therapists? I personally did that few times, and one therapist finally understood that this place is something giving me more sense of relief than harm, and a community of people who can openly talk about it and relate/understand better.

 

[day]

no, i haven't mentioned it. this place has too much bad press for me to ever reveal it in my real life. mod or not.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Suicide has been overall too difficult

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Even though it's been 3 years since I first came here (goodness gracious), I've stayed mostly because I'm scared to die. Every inch closer to the end comes with it more burdens that makes for the relieving of a single one. Plus, I've grown attached to this place. Imagining being unable to see what everyone posts once I go and become cemented as gone with the airing of my goodbye thread is something that makes be hesitate

Plus, I like reading manhwa. You can't do that when you're dead

 

[DTA]

I've been here for almost a year. I've tried and failed to CTB multiple times and now I'm bound to help an old lady. So once she passes then I now plan to just jump in front of a train.
In the meantime, I really like the community here on SaSu. It means a lot to be able to talk with people who "get it." And perhaps I can bring some cheer or wisdom to my brothers and sisters who are suffering.

 

[iLikeFrogs]

i'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. that's why. I love the community yeah, but the reason why I;m still here is because I'm too weak to die

 

[pyamu]

Been here since 2019-2020 but made an account finally in 2021. Bought SN (this was when it was a lot more accessible although it was difficult to get) and was going to commit (have been planning it over and over throughout these years) but ended up being too pussy. I also got closer to my family over the years and couldn't imagine what it would put them through. Made some major changes in life (medication, career/goals, life-focuses) and life overall has gotten a bit better. I am still on this forum for when I feel slightly suicidal or depressed. Thankfully I'm no longer in the position where I am actively planning my suicide though. I'm very grateful that I am in this position.

I do feel very guilty though for not committing as soon as I got SN into my hands. Many people I know have died via suicide after me and I feel immense guilt for pussying out. For some reason it feels as though if I had killed myself, things would have been different for them and maybe they could be happy and alive right now. It's honestly a bit pathetic and part of me still wishes I pulled the plug a while back. There were many moments when I could have just ingested the SN and have been done with it. I don't feel like I was ever "suicidal enough" because I never properly attempted. I just feel guilty and quite a bit pathetic, basically like a fraud. SN is a peaceful method in comparison to others, and yet other people were able to do it and get over their SI. I couldn't even do it with SN.

I hear stories of 12 year olds killing themselves and hear about it on the news, yet I, a grown adult, wallow in my sadness without doing anything about it. I feel so bad and guilty. Obviously, suicide should never be glorified, but I really can't help but feel guilt for not committing. I am not supposed to be alive.

 

[these_days9]

Biding time until I can finally be free from this hell hole called existence

 

[SentientCreature]

Been here since 2019-2020 but made an account finally in 2021. Bought SN (this was when it was a lot more accessible although it was difficult to get) and was going to commit (have been planning it over and over throughout these years) but ended up being too pussy. I also got closer to my family over the years and couldn't imagine what it would put them through. Made some major changes in life (medication, career/goals, life-focuses) and life overall has gotten a bit better. I am still on this forum for when I feel slightly suicidal or depressed. Thankfully I'm no longer in the position where I am actively planning my suicide though. I'm very grateful that I am in this position.

I do feel very guilty though for not committing as soon as I got SN into my hands. Many people I know have died via suicide after me and I feel immense guilt for pussying out. For some reason it feels as though if I had killed myself, things would have been different for them and maybe they could be happy and alive right now. It's honestly a bit pathetic and part of me still wishes I pulled the plug a while back. There were many moments when I could have just ingested the SN and have been done with it. I don't feel like I was ever "suicidal enough" because I never properly attempted. I just feel guilty and quite a bit pathetic, basically like a fraud. SN is a peaceful method in comparison to others, and yet other people were able to do it and get over their SI. I couldn't even do it with SN.

I hear stories of 12 year olds killing themselves and hear about it on the news, yet I, a grown adult, wallow in my sadness without doing anything about it. I feel so bad and guilty. Obviously, suicide should never be glorified, but I really can't help but feel guilt for not committing. I am not supposed to be alive.

I'm in a very similar position myself. I first joined the forum back in 2019 but I ended up attempting and obviously failing to ctb with SN a year and a half later. I deleted my original account beforehand so this is a new one.

You mention your lack of attempts as one of the causes of your guilt, but I can tell you from experience that a failed one would leave you feeling just the same. Sometimes circumstances just happen to allign with the plan and lead to an actual attempt, but that only captures one point in time.

So I fully relate to the feelings you've described. I've had many chances to repeat the attempt over the years and yet here I am. I don't even know what I'm sticking around for. I made a friend on this forum for the first time in my life when I first joined, and he commited suicide shortly after my attempt, so I really get the guilt you are describing. It's a pretty niche situation to be in and it has made me feel even more alienated from the outside world, but this place isn't what it used to be for me either.

I was much younger and more impressionable back then and had way less emotional baggage. Now so many things have piled up over the years that I can no longer find comfort even in a place like this, and yet I keep coming back, perhaps in an attempt to relive the old positive experiences that are associated to this place, to try to reclaim that little bit of youthful enthusiasm I had back then. But to no avail, it only leads to painful nostalgic feelings. I'm aware that I am idealizing that period of my life as we all tend to do when reminscing about the past sometimes, but I can't help it when my life in the present is devoid of any positive aspect.

I also find it hard not to see myself as an impostor and sometimes I wonder if there's any part of me that was ever truly genuine, whatever that means. I've made many attempts to find my comfort in this world in various places, sometimes even simultaneously in contradictory ones, and it's only my failure to do so that would result in this state of resignation that I would then claim as one of my defining character traits, and even glorify sometimes. But if only I'd been better at alleviating my numerous ailments perhaps I never would have stuck around this place.

So if I'm being honest with myself, the root cause of my dejection and therefore my long history with this forum is incompetence, all-encompassing incompetence that was seemingly built into me at a very early age.

 

[whywere]

I joined back in 2020, say the same thing that I wrote on my application to join here: "I want to be around folks who know what it is all about".

Never ever does anything, anywhere at any time say, mention, or even remotely have the concertation about ctb.

This site to me is all about the power of each and every soul making their own decisions, and even more important, helping each other out, as we all know and FEEL how mental health effects people.

The last part is the most important part, the average person has no idea what it is like to live, feel and deal with mental health issues. When I have mentioned it before I either get a blank look or worse labeled.

Walter

 

[meiherasayuri]

I originally heard about it on the forum in 2023 because I heard the story of a moderator who was accused of being a murderer(?
Then that guy ended up in jail for something completely unrelated to the forum. Anyway, at that time I tried to find the forum but couldn't find it. Last year I wasn't doing well, so I searched carefully and found it...
I guess I've found a place where they understand and listen to me. Does it make me feel understood?

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I feel like I've been here off and on forever. Hard to believe that 2020 was 6 years ago because that was when I first joined. Why am I still here? Part of it is because I failed to go through with the various plans to end my life that I've made, despite making multiple goodbye threads.

I bought SN multiple times, once way back in my first year here, but I wasn't ready to use it right away so I stashed it in a cupboard behind some Halloween decorations, just to save it for when I really needed it. 3 years later in 2023, I was afraid of it being too old so I bought more. I did almost use the old SN in February and March of that year, but never got to the point of dissolving the SN in drinking glasses, just got really close. The last time I got SN, I actually tested it following a guide I found here and sure enough, on the fish tank test strip, the nitrite was maxed out, so I knew it would be lethal. After that, I used a digital scale to measure out the SN and I mixed 20 grams into 2 glasses of water. I used wine glasses because I wanted something fancy, but after getting the first glass up to my lips I couldn't get myself to drink it. Ended up dumping it out. That almost attempt was in January of 2024.

In June of 2024, I decided to just try full suspension hanging. I picked a good tree and bought a rope. Climbed up the ladder and tied the rope to the toughest branch I could find and the other end had a slipknot noose in it. I had the noose around my neck and almost kicked the ladder over, but I couldn't do it. I just stood there on the ladder crying until I gave up. Ended up untying the rope from the tree branch getting tree bark in my eyes and threw the rope on the ground. After getting down from the ladder, I threw the ladder and it smacked against my wrist giving me a very bad bruise for a while. Didn't fracture my wrist thankfully, just bruised it.

I ended up going to the hospital after that twice, first time stayed for a week in a psychiatric unit and honestly I enjoyed it there. I was fortunate that I got to stay at a good one and I felt free from all the stress and misery of the outside world that made me want to die in the first place. I read books that were there and became addicted to word searches lmao. Even wrote a horror novel when I was there, so when I went home I felt a lot better. Month later, I was back to being suicidal again, so the hospital sent me to a crisis house where I also stayed for a week. It was a really nice place, much nicer than the psych unit because I could cook my own food if I wanted, I could go outside and walk around the block as long as the nurse was with me, and after being there I felt like I wanted to live again.

For a while, I wasn't even on the forum at all because I joined another online community full of vegans and I discovered that I loved cooking so for a while that kept me going, just enjoying the good food while also being vegan, which I still am now. As for why I'm here again, and why I want to die again, it's because of a medical problem that I had as a kid and a teenager that was fixed with surgery coming back and being worse than it was back then. It might require another surgery to fix but I don't want to put up with that.

This could be the final straw for me so I don't know how much longer I'm even going to be alive. I'm surprised I've stuck around this long anyway, since when I first joined back in 2020, I had no intentions of sticking around more than a year or two before checking out. 2023 should've been my last year on this Earth but somehow here I am 3 years later.