Namensjemand
Cursed
- Jul 16, 2023
- 109
So I once already posted my story in the recovery section. In a nutshell: I am 34 and my life is an utter and disgusting disgrace. Even the good parts are totally absorbed by the bad. And it is all my fault. And I genuinely wouldn't mind dying. I played first of january every day while going increasingly mad since many years. Nothing "counted" Nothing was real. I wasn't real. I was lost in my own sick ugly world. All was about fooling myself and others. Thinking extra complicated. Stressing myself pointlessly out. Hiding this or that way. Immense depersonilization. This climaxed in an intense psychosis lasting years... my life couldn't be more wretched and shameful and wasteful and I did not even enjoy my vices...
I also hate my disgusting bitch tits and I am super insecure about my dick. My madness, all this endless bullshit, went on as long as it could. Because this is literally all I knew. It sucks so much to be alone on such a shitty path, having wasted all my potential and I hate it when people superficially identify me with my madness or think I was just lazy or this and that. I fucking never lived!
So as of August the 23th I managed to get out of my heavy psychosis and also the general madness of my life. Like only since then do I learn to see things for what they are. My parents are strangely screwed in the head and they never taught me how to properly relate to myself and life. But I broke my devil's circle. I can now see clearly, accept, process, learn, grow... but it is so tempting to just say fuck it all and kill myself. I don't fear death. I have it in me. A lot is suggesting it... but the suffering goes down by now. As I learn to transcend my suffering and to become man. Grow the fuck up really. I less and less feel compelled to kill myself and more and more do I give so few fucks that I might as well live on. And finally fucking live at all. Consciously, in tune with what is. Instead of an endless chase after a mirrage. I don't know. I don't really want to recover from my suicidal thoughts. I love the control of being able to end it any time. To not feel trapped in this existence and body. But a philosophie of "maybe tomorrow, but not today" could work for me. Just now about ending my life rather than starting it... I don't know. I have grown so fond of dying.
I also hate my disgusting bitch tits and I am super insecure about my dick. My madness, all this endless bullshit, went on as long as it could. Because this is literally all I knew. It sucks so much to be alone on such a shitty path, having wasted all my potential and I hate it when people superficially identify me with my madness or think I was just lazy or this and that. I fucking never lived!
So as of August the 23th I managed to get out of my heavy psychosis and also the general madness of my life. Like only since then do I learn to see things for what they are. My parents are strangely screwed in the head and they never taught me how to properly relate to myself and life. But I broke my devil's circle. I can now see clearly, accept, process, learn, grow... but it is so tempting to just say fuck it all and kill myself. I don't fear death. I have it in me. A lot is suggesting it... but the suffering goes down by now. As I learn to transcend my suffering and to become man. Grow the fuck up really. I less and less feel compelled to kill myself and more and more do I give so few fucks that I might as well live on. And finally fucking live at all. Consciously, in tune with what is. Instead of an endless chase after a mirrage. I don't know. I don't really want to recover from my suicidal thoughts. I love the control of being able to end it any time. To not feel trapped in this existence and body. But a philosophie of "maybe tomorrow, but not today" could work for me. Just now about ending my life rather than starting it... I don't know. I have grown so fond of dying.
