tired

[littlered1497]

i'm so, so ready to go. i've mentally accepted ctb is what i want. i've accepted the fact that i'm going to be putting my friends and family in pain, but i'm sure a small part of them will understand some under the circumstances of what i've been through this year. i've written my letters, i've put money aside for my roommates to pay my part of the bills once i'm gone. i've really accepted that it's my time to go. however, i've been unable to come up with a guaranteed plan. i'm caught between partial hanging and drowning, but i don't want to traumatize my roommates with them finding my body and where i would drown is a lake down the street from my house, but i want my family to have my body after i'm gone for some sort of closure? the only pills i have are adderall and i'm unsure where to get different kinds of pills to fatally OD. i'm just stuck on how i can go and I hope i'm gone before the 14th of this month as it's going to be a really hard day to deal with. i'm just tired

 

[blacktrain98]

I would avoid drowning and hanging. Both actions will go against your wish of leaving your family with a body (or at least, a "nice" body). Water will cause crazy bloating and quicken the decay, hanging will break your neck in a very unusual and gross way... and both are traumatizing to witness for who ever discovers the body. I can't help too much with methods since I'm still considering if i want to go in a few months or in a few years, but it seems SN is regarded as one of the best choices. I think even if the day you really want is coming soon, you should hold off if you don't have a specific plan. Spend your time thinking logistically about the process instead. If it's a particularly brutal method like hanging or drowning, it's very likely that your survival instincts will kick in and the whole experience will be filled with a lot of stress. If you have been put through a lot, you owe it to yourself to at least have a peaceful death.

Idk if this is goofy, but you can shoot me a message and just vent about whatever you want if you need to get stuff on your chest. I understand having the world collapse on you, but not feeling comfortable posting it to the forum directly. If it's ADHD/mental stuff I can definitely relate. If it's a general shitty existence, or about that date in particular, I'm also ears. I'm finding that venting with other suicidal people is a lot more affective than talking to others.

 

[littlered1497]

I would avoid drowning and hanging. Both actions will go against your wish of leaving your family with a body (or at least, a "nice" body). Water will cause crazy bloating and quicken the decay, hanging will break your neck in a very unusual and gross way... and both are traumatizing to witness for who ever discovers the body. I can't help too much with methods since I'm still considering if i want to go in a few months or in a few years, but it seems SN is regarded as one of the best choices. I think even if the day you really want is coming soon, you should hold off if you don't have a specific plan. Spend your time thinking logistically about the process instead. If it's a particularly brutal method like hanging or drowning, it's very likely that your survival instincts will kick in and the whole experience will be filled with a lot of stress. If you have been put through a lot, you owe it to yourself to at least have a peaceful death.

Idk if this is goofy, but you can shoot me a message and just vent about whatever you want if you need to get stuff on your chest. I understand having the world collapse on you, but not feeling comfortable posting it to the forum directly. If it's ADHD/mental stuff I can definitely relate. If it's a general shitty existence, or about that date in particular, I'm also ears. I'm finding that venting with other suicidal people is a lot more affective than talking to others.

thank you so much for your comment and your advice, and how willing you are to hear my story. my boyfriend was murdered this year and the date coming up in a few days is his birthday. the first birthday i won't be able to spend with him. i agree with holding off until i have a plan, but everyday for the last few months i have woke up with no other feelings then just wanting end it all, i've just not been able to come up a concrete plan. i agree both methods are pretty brutal, but the way i look at it is hopefully after i'll just be able to be reunited with him. sounds silly. i was drugs were easier to get haha, you always hear about people OD because of their addiction or it being accidental, but dam i feel like it's so hard to get stuff if you're OTB!

 

[blacktrain98]

thank you so much for your comment and your advice, and how willing you are to hear my story...

Oh my god, that's so horrifying. I can't imagine the weight you must be feeling on your soul. Losing complete human drive like that... there really isn't anything like it. If this is your only solution, you have the right to carry it out, but you have definitely been through too much already to go through something nightmarish like drowning or hanging. You should be extremely kind to yourself in these following days, and look further into more peaceful methods like SN...

And getting drugs... don't I know it. The dark web truly is best for this kind of thing, but tbh I've never been able to actually commit to getting into it. And my title says it all, I do recommend trying mushrooms. Even if it doesn't "cure" you, you can learn so much from them, and microdosing really does take the edge off in a genuine way. You're truly able to leave the sinking ship that is your mental space and physical body, and look at your ptsd and depression in a more logical and peaceful way. This must sound so cringey, but I genuinely think it would be a good option for you, if you come across it or look for it.

I can guarantee that with whatever choice you make, you will feel more freedom the more you learn about specific methods, science, and have a concrete gameplan. Knowing exactly what you need to cbt takes off a lot of the weight. You might even find that life is livable as long as you do have that easy exit on your own terms.

If you have any Qs or just want to talk some more, I'm totally down. Sending love your way