I don't know if my opinion can help you, but waiting for the CTB is synonymous with ambivalence for me. At the same time I've been waiting for this for years and years. Waiting weeks or even months seems so long to me. I always thought I was going to die from CTB. I now believe that is my destiny. I don't know if another ending would have been possible. I tell myself that in any case, it must be done one day because if it is not today, it will be in 5 years, 10 years.
I have the method and everything you need to implement it. It's as if I had finally reached my goal and yet I'm still in this world. It's hard to set a date, and the body can react physically. The end of life remains difficult: suddenly we begin to feel guilt, to think that it may be a little hasty, that God may exist. It's hard to know that you're going to die soon and you still have to keep getting up. And since no one knows, it's not like we're terminally ill with cancer and people are cool with us. That one could do anything and everything before dying. No, we must face this alone and until the end life will be to suffer us. I thought this to myself this week: Someone refused to sell me cocaine on the grounds that he likes me and drugs aren't good. I wanted to yell at him that I was going to die. soon and wanted to enjoy it a bit.
Both the CTB is a relief, but at the same time, it also means suffering until the end. I wish you a lot of courage, and send you all my prayers. You look like you've been in a lot of pain.
