Venting tired of this

[vault]

im so tired of these thoughts. every waking second i cant think of anything besides ctb. but, as i feel like im drawing closer to attempting ctb, i realize that i am terrified of death. i dont know what to do. i dont want to think anymore. i dont want to feel anymore.
whats worse is that i believe that all my struggles are made up and in my head. i hold myself to such high standards and i never think im good enough. i am constantly jealous of every other person. i think they are happier than me. i think they can do so many things that i cant. its how i have always been and i cant change that about myself. because of this, i wont ever have peace.
i feel stuck in a limbo. i feel helpless. i am miserable while living but terrified to die.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

death is a natrual thing to be scared of. its the end of everything. the big unknown. im sorry that your life hanst been good but i hope you know that whatever you feel is real. we cannot change our core only work around. try our best to paint from a half started piece. i wish you luck and happiness in whatever may come <3

 

[darksoul]

Where did this pressure to perform come from?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I feel the exact same way. To a T.

 

[vault]

Where did this pressure to perform come from?

it may just be that i am a perfectionist. it could also be that both my parents had rather tough upbringings that i feel i cant live up to.

death is a natrual thing to be scared of. its the end of everything. the big unknown. im sorry that your life hanst been good but i hope you know that whatever you feel is real. we cannot change our core only work around. try our best to paint from a half started piece. i wish you luck and happiness in whatever may come <3

thank you <3

 

[darksoul]

it may just be that i am a perfectionist. it could also be that both my parents had rather tough upbringings that i feel i cant live up to.

thank you <3

The Japanese say everyone has 3 faces. A public one (you show the world), a private one (you show friends) and the face you see in the mirror.

So you compare your real face to the fake version everyone else shows. You are comparing yourself to an illusion.

It is likely they can do many things you can't just like you can do many things they can't. It is impossible to know it all and do it all.

Curious what goes through your mind when you meet a random person.

 

[vault]

It is likely they can do many things you can't just like you can do many things they can't. It is impossible to know it all and do it all.

Curious what goes through your mind when you meet a random person.

i do agree with what you said. i can understand that what i am thinking it is not true, but its hard to have no worries about it regardless. i suppose its something a person must work towards.
when i meet another person i worry a lot about what they think of me. i guess im just now realizing this issue lol. being friendly doesnt come naturally and i end up just being polite. i also cant make or hold conversation very well and so i usually dont talk to people unless they approach me. im thinking i just need practice to become comfortable with this kind of thing

 

[darksoul]

i do agree with what you said. i can understand that what i am thinking it is not true, but its hard to have no worries about it regardless. i suppose its something a person must work towards.
when i meet another person i worry a lot about what they think of me. i guess im just now realizing this issue lol. being friendly doesnt come naturally and i end up just being polite. i also cant make or hold conversation very well and so i usually dont talk to people unless they approach me. im thinking i just need practice to become comfortable with this kind of thing

Indeed, this is more of a social anxiety issue which can be resolved by putting yourself on the spot and confronting your demons.

Just like you can't remember who you saw 3 weeks ago in the supermarket this stranger also can't remember you (and has no opinions about you).

Would be a shame if you would ctb over something you know is made up and only plays in your head. If you want to talk it through feel free to pm me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful feeling trapped in that situation but anyway best wishes, I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering here.