Venting tired of my f***** roller coaster of emotions

[chapitaupe]

I really thought I re-gained a bit of hope. 1 or 2 days ago I kinda started making plans for my future. With anxiety, but the motivation was there, even if it was a really small amount. For a moment I really thought I was finally at the beginning of the right path to recover. But everything came back. Always the same feelings. That I don't fit anywhere, that I will never be able to to make and maintain any friendships, I'm deeply unlovable, because something in me is so wrong and dysfunctional that nothing can fix it. And I don't think any amount of therapy or support could ever change it.
I know that's what recovery is. A bunch of highs and lows. But I don't want that. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm way too weak to go through these feelings. I'd rather end my life than live like this forever.
It is really cruel that my brain gives me a slight amount of hope just to basically shoot me in the heart right after.

 

[DoomedDarkCircles]

I'm going through something very similar and it's so fucking tough
I hope things get better for you even if it takes time