Venting Tired but afraid

[flatyeticorn]

This is my first post and I'm struggling with expressing myself appropriately here (while possibly asking for guidance?)

I'm disabled and in the past 5 years, my leaves of disability has increased 10-fold. I've had 16 major surgeries in vital areas and the remnants of my body and mind are tired.

Currently, I'm fighting the VA medical system and it's abuse. I'm experiencing my second cuff failure (organ evisceration) and I'm refusing medical help to fix it…leaving me fighting the same medical system from forcing me into a mental health intake (they say my view of dying is morbid and I need help).

As such (my slow demise currently/VA attempting to check me into a MH hospital, etc)…I want to be gone — asap.

I've tried overdose several times in the past without success.

I've also tried cutting my wrists and bleeding out.

As well as last year I took an overdose of pain pills + alcohol and slept outside in freezing temps (spouse found me)…all with no luck.

It has to be things I can use under the radar (my spouse gets the mail because he is ambulatory) and without "help".

I've researched but still feel at a loss.

Thinking right now how I can convince my medical provider to prescribe a dose of pain pills or muscle relaxers and combining them with anti-seizure meds + alcohol.

The pain folks…the pain is killing me and I just want it to end.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you are going through, it must be so torturous, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, it's inhumane how people cannot just easily leave this world in peace.

 

[CW36]

I'm afraid overdosing and cutting rarely works. Are you able to walk? Don't think you mentioned your disability.

 

[flatyeticorn]

I'm afraid overdosing and cutting rarely works. Are you able to walk? Don't think you mentioned your disability.

On great days, I can manage about a mile.

Disabilities range from no arm motor control (2x breast cancer and suffer from lymphedema/cording), compressed spine, fibro, adhesions throughout my abdomen from surgeries- strangling of vital organs, cuff failure/organ evisceration, Achilles tear x2, stage 4 endometriosis throughout abdominal cavity, diaphragm and brain, suspect lung cancer

 

[CW36]

My God, that's some battle you fight.. Well if you can walk a little then at least it gives you more options. Is their any methods you don't like the sound of? Are firearms available?

 

[flatyeticorn]

My God, that's some battle you fight.. Well if you can walk a little then at least it gives you more options. Is their any methods you don't like the sound of? Are firearms available?

No firearms — they were removed from me after my first attempt and when I ended up in the MH ward against my will.

 

[CW36]

No firearms — they were removed from me after my first attempt and when I ended up in the MH ward against my will.

Okay, well I presume you're happy with any method, so I'd suggest full suspension. It has the second highest success rate in the US and is a guaranteed way out if you follow protocol and produce a good steup and take precautions. The other alternative with good success rates are jumping from a very high building or drowning with weights. I would try not involve cars or trains.